It always turned out all right
by PablosGirl
Summary: The second wizarding war is approaching. But danger is not the only thing to worry about. Hurt feelings, misunderstandings, big mistakes and sacrifices bring out both, the best and the worst, in people. Follow Sirius, Remus, Tonks and Ben through war, love and loss. RL/NT, SB/OC, set during HBP/DH, probably slash (who knows). Third part, following "It's just the way it is"
1. prologue

Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter or anything related to it; I don't intend to or do earn money with this. I only own my OC Ben. Everything else belongs to the wonderful J. K. Rowling.

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**Hello everyone and welcome to part three of my story! :3**

**It's been a long way and I'm very thankful for the feedback I got so far. It really means a lot and writing this for you is so mcuh fun. **

**And so I hope you'll enjoy this part as well; I'll do my best to keep you guys entertained.**

**I kept rating T because there'll be swearing and all that jazz, nothing you haven't seen yet if you read part 1 and 2. **

**It's pretty long for a prologue of a fanfiction, but I skipped a few months between part 2 and 3; so this is a bit of a review on what happened in the meantime. It therefore contains a few flashbacks; the flashbacks are written in italics and the "-" mark their beginning/end. I'm very curious about your reactions because there are some pretty interesting things in those flashbacks ;) **

**Be a darling and leave a review! Your feedback is always appreciated...food for the hungry author. **

**Enjoy! **

**xx PablosGirl**

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Months went by, the view from the old Black Mansion's windows constantly changing; from snow white blankets and swirling flakes to rainy streets with the first, tender green weed blades forcing their way through the cracks in the dark-grey asphalt.

From purple and yellow spots of colour under the first warm rays of sun, leaking through the less and less thick cloud ceiling to the fresh green covering the trees. The temperature slowly but surely rose until even Hogwarts' students took off their coats to sprawl around on the Scottish meadows.

Remus had quickly adapted to his new job at the Ministry while his worries concerning Tonks hadn't vanished at all. With the content feeling of doing something useful in his chest he went to work and from his first day in the office on he knew exactly what he'd do with his first salary...

_"Hey, Wolfie! Hey, Sirius!" yelled Tonks cheerfully as she entered the old Black Mansion. _

_"Hello! Remus is upstairs, in case you want to see him," replied Sirius from his seat in the kitchen, trying to bite back the wide grin playing on his lips. _

_Tonks carefully eyed her cousin who had been very moody recently but she eventually bit back the suspicious comment and walked upstairs instead._

_"Remus?" asked the young Auror as she carefully opened her room's door and peeped inside. _

_"I'm here!" sounded the Werewolf's oddly cheerful voice from the stairs above her._

_She curiously watched her boyfriend walk down the stairs towards her, with his hands behind his back and a wide grin plastered across his face._

_"What are you hiding behind your back?" asked Tonks amused. _

_"Oh, just a little surprise," replied Remus casually, his hands still behind his back. _

_Tonks' hands unwittingly wandered up to her collarbone, touching the sparkling jewel she had been wearing for quite a while now. She tilted her head and smiled at the man in front of her. _

_"You know, I didn't have the chance for this before but I really wanted to as soon as possible. And, well. I got my first pay check today and it was the first thing that crossed my mind, so..." explained Remus and a hint of red flushed his cheeks. _

_He moved his hands from behind his back with a rustling noise and Tonks' eyes widened while her smile spread into a huge grin. Her nose hadn't failed her, it had indeed been the smell of freshly cut greens..._

_"Flowers? The first thing you buy are flowers?" asked Tonks grinning as she took the big bouquet from his hands, admiring all the shades of pink, violet and purple beaming at her. _

_"Flowers for you," corrected Remus her. "Do you like them?"_

_"They're beautiful! I can't even remember the last time I got flowers!" replied Tonks, still staring at the flowers in front of her as if they were some kind of mysterious wonder of the world._

_"And it won't be the last ones, don't worry," said Remus happily. _

_"Thank you, Remus!" whispered Tonks with a loving smile before she got on her tiptoes and kissed him. _

Happy moments like this had been few and far between during the last months.

The Deatheaters had gotten suspiciously quiet while Dolores Umbridge had taken over Hogwarts, trying to remodel the once happy, student-friendly school.

The students had hardly any rights these days, especially when it came to their freedom of speech and Voldemort. And if one of the older students dared to do so anyway, they were faced with harsh punishments. The Weasley twins had made the best of their legal age in late spring and left the school...not to their mother's delight of course...But there was something even more alarming, especially for Sirius. Harry hadn't really made progress with his occlumency lessons until Snape cancelled them entirely after a precarious incident.

Apart from this, the Werewolves' situation got more and more unstable. There had been news of sightings or attacks every week and the legislations got stricter every time resulting in a growing debate about Remus' employment. Nonetheless Dumbledore had asked Ben and Remus to go to the underground once more at the beginning of the year. From now on they shouldn't just observe the situation, but instead try to win those over, who hadn't fallen for Greayback's tirades of hatred yet. And so Greyback's and Remus' first encounter was all the more risky...

_Nervous and tense, Remus and Ben stepped into the all too familiar clearing, observing every single noise and movement around them. The first head snapped up and the hissing noise of suspicious whispers filled the air. Ben swallowed hard as he slowly tilted his head in Remus' direction._

_"You know what we agreed on with Dumbledore. If it gets too dangerous, we're out of here," murmured Ben. _

_Remus' only answer was a slow nod; his gaze was fixed on something different._

_A group of men was slowly approaching them, four of them convoying an especially feral looking man between them. With an evil grin on his face he moved forwards, revealing the yellowish sharp teeth, while the bystanders watched the surreal scene with nervous expressions on their faces. They stepped back as Greyback walked past them...Remus, however, took a step forward. _

_He slowly approached him with firm steps, Ben following on his heels. The whole clearing seemed to hold their breath as the two parties stopped, now merely two metres between them. The wind was rustling through the trees as Greyback's lips spread into an arrogant grin again while all of his four companions eyed Ben. _

_He was nervous and he knew that they could sense it. Yet he didn't avert his gaze but instead firmly looked into their eyes, one after another...a straight provocation and insult towards the higher-ranking Werewolves. Remus was staring at Greyback, ignoring him licking over his pointy teeth. _

_. _

_"Lupin...crawled back from the Ministry's ass, huh?" growled Greyback. _

_"Just for a little vacation, Greyback, don't get your hopes up," growled Remus back. _

_Hissing whispers rose from the edge of the clearing again. _

_"If we didn't know better we'd say you've got balls of steel, coming back after what you've done last time...but unfortunately you're nothing more than a puny, little, castrated lap dog. I actually assumed they had given you a nice little poodle hairstyle...dying you pink and all that," laughed Greyback barking as the others around him joined in. _

_For a split second, Remus froze as the image of pink hair crossed his mind but he quickly shook it off and a crooked grin slowly appeared on his face; Ben swallowed hard..._

_"Strange...no bloody brawl? No welcome by your little goon squad here? Did I miss something? That used to be your way, right? No matter who, no matter how submissive or young," growled Remus and Greyback's companions already made a move to attack him but Greyback stopped them, still grinning. _

_"You still don't get it, do you, Lupin?" said Greyback quietly before he raised his voice, looking around the clearing. "Do you hear what he says? He, who turned his back on all of us...who betrayed us! He thinks he can be a part of this world which banished us all and will never except our kind! He plunked his little ass into the Ministry and you know what? It won't be long until we're overrun by Aurors, hunted, forced to register like cattle, locked up or murdered! They'll hunt us down! And now you guess who we have to thank for this!"_

_The bystanders' eyes were all locked on Remus now. Some of them were filled with blazing anger and some with insecurity and fear. Others, however, seemed doubting; not quite believing what Greyback was telling them. _

_"You won't ever come up with something new, right? It's always the same old story, with you, Greyback" growled Remus cynically before he raised his voice, too. "I won't deny that these legislations are unjust and unreasonably strict. Because I suffer from them, too, like all of us. But did you ever ask yourself why they came up with them in the first place? Because they have no idea how to handle us otherwise. Those legislations grew out of ignorance and fear. Fear of beasts like Greyback! Nothing's going to change about our situation if we act like he does...quite the contrary. There are more and more attacks each day and we all know who's behind it. No child is bitten voluntarily just to come here! _

_If you follow him, then you'll follow him to war. War's inevitably in store for all of us but the question is whose war we want to fight and on which level! He wants to make you think that this is your war, your fight for more recognition and the long-awaited revenge on the wizarding world. But it's a blatant lie! A lie from a Deatheater in disguise who won't bring a better future but transform you into cannon fodder for Voldemort! We're no better than Giants, Trolls or House Elfs in his eyes! A better future? Open your eyes! We're half-beasts! He hates Muggles, Muggleborns and everyone who's on their side. And you really think he'll help us then? We suffer from these legislations because of beasts like Greyback. If we really want to change something, then we'll have to change our image first, to get out of this bloody pigeon-hole they've put us in! I want to be honest with you. I have no idea when it will get better. But if you follow us then it will be your fight for your rights, no more and no less. Everything else is up to you. But I will promise you one thing: I won't betray us, cost what it may. I need this place, just like you. Yes, it's true; I may try to blend in with the wizarding world more than most of us. But that doesn't mean that I forgot what I am and how many honest men depend on my loyalty. That's the reason I came here today: think before you chose your side!"_

_Now it was Remus' turn to look into the faces around them while Greyback and his companions just turned around with mocking huffs. _

_Some of the bystanders turned around as well, shaking their heads as Remus' eyes met theirs. _

_Remus knew he couldn't convince those followers. _

_But then there were others, meeting his gaze, part hesitantly and insecurely, part encouraged and hopeful. _

_"Hey!" hissed Ben into his ear and nodded into a different direction. _

_Remus' surprised gaze followed the gesture. _

_A few men were approaching, almost timid in their movements, and after a few seconds about a dozen others followed them. _

_They looked at Remus and Ben with expectant expressions with a young, equally-ranked man leading the way. _

_"If we can stand up for our rights without violence and without Voldemort, then we will follow you," said the man with a firm voice and a small smile played on Remus' lips. _

Since that day, Remus and Ben had returned to the camp many times. The men trusted them more and more each time and after a lot of persuading they even agreed to get registered. And yet the situation was very tense. There were several clashes between them and Greyback's followers; the more so after Greyback realized that Remus and Ben meant business. And so the two eventually decided that they had to find another hide-out for their followers...but where?

For Ben, however, this wasn't the only thing to worry about. The situation between him and Sirius was still quite complicated. They greeted each other more relaxed whenever they met at Order meetings and they didn't avoid each other's gaze as desperately anymore, but he still felt uncomfortable around Sirius; somehow unwanted and watched, even though Sirius tried his best, albeit not very successful, to hide his own discomfort.

_"It's good to have you here again!" said Tonks grinning as she walked into number 12's living-room with Ben while Remus quickly charmed the dishes to clean themselves in the kitchen._

_"Do you want to drink something?" asked Remus as he entered the room shortly after. _

_"No, thanks, still got my water," replied Ben smiling and lifted his glass. _

_"Alright," said Remus smiling as he sat down beside Tonks and wrapped his arms around her shoulders. The witch immediately leaned in and snuggled closer to his side. _

_"Any news? Something we should know about?" asked Tonks winking. _

_"Dora!" mumbled Remus chuckling. _

_"Okay...is there anything __**I**__ should know," she corrected herself laughing, conjuring a smile on Ben's face. _

_"No, unfortunately-"said Ben and hesitated as he heard the front door clicking behind them. _

_"I'm bahaack!" yelled Sirius from the hallway and entered the room only moments later. _

_"Well, no news. But I'll have to wake up early tomorrow anyway. Thank you for the invitation, but I really have to get going," mumbled Ben and emptied his glass. _

_Tonks shot Remus a sad look but the Werewolf just shrugged his shoulders. _

_"I'm sorry, I really didn't mean to bother anybody," hurried Sirius to say but Ben had already stood up. _

_"You didn't. It'd your house after all," said Ben, trying to sound casual. "See you!"_

_"Yeah, see you," said Tonks with weak smile and waved as Ben closed the front door behind him. _

_"I'll be upstairs if you need me," mumbled Sirius gloomily and disappeared up the creaking steps. _

_Remus gently wrapped his arms around his sad girlfriend's waist. _

_"It will be fine...I guess," he whispered and placed a kiss on her hair._

And so the days and weeks went by until the summer even reached the gloomy, dirty Grimmauldplace and the sun shined through the old mansion's clouded windows...


	2. a gleam of hope

**Hey there, everyone! *group hug***

**Here's the new chapter for you! I hope you enjoy it although it's kind of a fill-in chapter and a little bit dialogue-heavy. So please tell me how you liked it so I can improve my writing and so I know what you prefer in a chapter :) **

**But hey...what is this over there? Oooh, I know! That's all the drama and plot-twists I have in store for you guys...**

**Question number 1, class: it's currently summer in this story. What happened by the end of book five? Anyone? *cough* Sirius *cough* veil *cough***

**Question number 2: What makes a fanfiction author hurry up with his uploads? Hmm? Yes? Many reviews, that's right, ten points to Gryffindor! (if you're alright with being Gryffindors of course; I'm afraid I'd be a Ravenclaw or Hufflepuff...)**

**Anyway, enjoy the chapter and leave a review if you like :) *serving cups of hot chocolate and cookies***

**Have a wonderful day and enjoy the rest of the weekend! **

**xo PablosGirl**

JKStorm501: Thank you very much for your review and yes, you were the first one! *tadaaa* I'm glad you liked it and I hope you'll enjoy the neyt one as well...it's really going to be siriusly serious ;) Enjoy!

danadanaBATMAN: Thank you for your review! :) yes, poor little Werewolf, isn't he? I'm glad you liked that little piece of fluff :) Enjoy the next chap!

ShadowHermione2211: Thank you for the review! :) I'm glad you liked it and I hope I you'll like this one as well! Enjoy!

klainebows101: Hey there! I think this is your first review for my story, right? Welcome! *handing out welcome-chocolate-bar* First of all: thank you very much for reading my story! I'm glad you like it so much so far. My storyline roughly follows the books, but I'll definitely change some things...but I won't tell you what *muhahaha* Anyway, thank you very much for taking the time to review. Enjoy the next chapter!

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Tired but satisfied with all the paperwork he had gotten done today at work, Remus entered number 12 and hung up his coat on the rack in the hallway. His hand unwittingly brushed through his greying hair as he spotted the note on the kitchen table.

"I made dinner, I hope it's good! Dora!"

Remus filled a plate with pasta and tomato-sauce, the first dish Tonks had learnt to cook properly. And all the practice had paid off!

A smirk played on his lips as Remus' thoughts wandered off to his Dora. He'd like nothing better right now than to lie in bed with her and sleep; just sleep, to forget all those things he fruitlessly tried to forget about during the day...the war, Greyback, the danger Tonks was exposed to every day...

But this would have to wait. Tonks would still be at work for merely two hours and he still had to talk to Ben. So he stood up with a sigh, placed his plate in the sink and left again.

.

"Hey! How are you? Tea?" greeted Ben friendly as he closed the door behind him, but Remus noticed that Ben was just as worried as he himself; the Werewolves weren't giving his mind any peace either.

A while back they had managed to convince some Werewolves to follow them and turn their backs on Greyback. They trusted them and they had obviously taken a big risk in rejecting Greyback's ideology, which increased Ben's and Remus' sense of responsibility even more.

"Thank you," said Remus and gratefully took the steaming cup from Ben, who sat down in an armchair.

"We really need a new place for them, Remus. Any idea yet?" said Ben seriously, a worried frown forming on his face.

"It's much more complicated than I thought," admitted Remus and closed his eyes for a few seconds.

"How about some remote clearing up in the North? If we manage to set up some kind of shelter...a hut or something like that...then we wouldn't have to worry about the weather anymore," suggested Ben.

"What if Greyback wants to take revenge? It has to be some place he doesn't dare to go to. It has to be safe from him and isolated enough so we won't endanger anybody at full-moon," replied Remus pensively.

"Sure, but how on earth are we supposed to find such place?" asked Ben desperately. "Wherever Greyback doesn't want to go won't be a very welcoming spot for us either."

"There's no place we're welcome at all, Ben...but I only see one option. Nobody goes there voluntarily, simply because it's too dangerous. There are things, threats, which are easily on a par with a pack of Werewolves. Even Deatheaters know better than to go there...but it's the only option I can think of. It's just going to be hard to convince the place's keepers..." explained Remus, dropping hints along the way, and the realization slowly showed on Ben's face.

"This is madness, Remus! They'll kill you before you even get to explain!" replied Ben urgently.

"I've been there before...they know me and they won't shoot me without a warning. I'll at least have to try," said Remus with a long sigh.

Ben swallowed hard but eventually he nodded.

They drank the rest of their tea in silence before they said their goodbies and Remus returned home.

.

Even more tired now, Remus entered the dark hallway of number 12 again and Tonks' smell immediately reached his nose, flooding his chest with blissful warmth.

"Hey, where have you been?" greeted Sirius with a crooked smile.

The dark circles around the Animagus' eyes seemed even darker and the worry lines on his forehead even deeper. His concern about Harry never left him, not even for a second...

"At Ben's," replied Remus briefly because he knew exactly that this would be enough to spare him from any further questions.

He could hear Sirius swallowing hard behind him before he raised his voice again.

"How is he?" asked the Animagus, sounding as casual as he could manage.

"He's alright," mumbled Remus and shot him a confused look over his shoulder. "Is Dora upstairs?"

"Yep. Already waiting for you," replied Sirius grinning, patted his shoulder and left into the living-room with a bottle of butterbeer in his hand.

And so the Werewolf walked up the creaking stairs and gently knocked on her door before entering.

"There you are! I missed you," said Tonks grinning as she wrapped her arms around his neck.

"I missed you, too," replied Remus smiling and buried his nose in her light-pink hair. "I just quickly stopped by at Ben's, sorry. But the food was great."

"Really?" asked Tonks with beaming eyes.

"Yeah, really," said Remus amused.

"You're tired, hm?" asked Tonks while unbuttoning his shirt.

"Not too tired for this..." mumbled Remus and stroked down her back.

"That's actually not what I meant, but alright," chuckled Tonks and pressed her lips on his...

.

Remus woke up to the dull sound of water running in the shower the next morning, just to find the other side of the bed still warm but empty. A small smile played on his lips as he thought back to the last night; Tonks knew exactly how to make him forget his worries...no matter what was racking his mind.

But everyday life quickly enveloped him again with all its annoying worries and thoughts. It was his day off while Tonks would soon leave for her shift at the Aurors' Office...there wouldn't be a better opportunity for what he had agreed on with Ben any time soon. And so Remus got out of bed, put some clothes on and walked down into the kitchen.

"Morning," mumbled Sirius, who was reading the Daily Prophet and sipping on his coffee.

"Any news?" asked Remus as he noticed the lines on Sirius' face.

"Umbridge's in control at Hogwarts...even the teachers are powerless...she even suspended Trelawny. I can already see McGonagall raging next meeting..." replied Sirius with a bitter smile.

Remus sniffed, partly amused, partly incredulous, as he turned around to make tea. He had to tell them, especially Dora; he had promised them. No more lies, no secrets.

"Morning!" chirped Tonks as she entered the kitchen.

"Why so cheerful?" asked Remus and gave her a kiss.

"Well, today is Friday and I have the weekend off...not even a single report to finish!" replied Tonks grinning and started to butter a piece of toast.

Remus sat down, too, now, waiting for the right moment to explain what he was about to do.

"Hellohoo! Earth to Remus! Did you even listen?" snapped Tonks' voice Remus out of his musing.

"What? Oh, sorry, what did you say?" said Remus apologetically.

"What's wrong? You seem worried..." stated Tonks and took a sip of tea while Sirius put the newspaper aside with a rustling noise; Remus could feel his eyes on him.

"If I start telling about all the things I'm worried about you'll be late for work. But to be honest, there's something you need to know," said Remus sighing and immediately gained their undivided attention. And so he cleared his throat and started to explain...

"Please be careful. They're probably already edgy and on high alert; it's pretty risky, Remus," lectures Sirius him as he had ended.

"I know, Sirius, but we don't have a choice," replied Remus.

"Just be careful, darling...I'm afraid for you. Please come back in one piece, alright?" said Tonks quietly.

"I'll take care. If it gets too tricky I'll leave immediately, promise!" said Remus seriously before he walked Tonks to the door.

She turned around and looked up at him with a sad smile, wrapping her arms around his neck.

"I love you, Remus, be careful!" mumbled Tonks into his shirt.

"I love you, too, Dora. See you tonight, don't worry," replied Remus, placed a gentle kiss on her forehead and let her go.

.

Two hours later Remus was standing on a meadow, the hood of his cloak pulled over his face, and let his gaze wander over the village with the small train station in the distance. Although it was summer, the weather was acting like it was still April. The tree tops moved in the strong wind; an impressive mountain of whirling, grey clouds in the sky above them.

He took a deep breath and started to move, always carefully staying close to the walls of the small houses which earned him several suspicious glances. Not that he wouldn't be used to it, but at the moment he'd rather stay unrecognised. His feet kept carrying him through the narrow alleys when he suddenly noticed two familiar voices nearby.

McGonagall and Flitwick.

They were definitely approaching him, even the whistling wind couldn't fool his sharp wolf ears, and so he lowered his head and hurried to get past the two teachers.

McGonagall had already noticed the hooded figure from a distance. And there was something about this person, something in the way the he moved; carefully staying out of the crowd, pushing past them with ease. As their paths crossed, she vainly tried to catch a glimpse of his face and her eyes followed him for a few seconds.

"Minerva?" asked Flitwick, snapping her out of her thoughts.

"I...just thought I recognized someone. Must've been a mistake," said McGonagall quietly and eventually followed her colleague into the "Three Broomsticks".

Remus, however, was walking through the gates and towards Hogwarts' grounds, which looked even more dramatic under the stormy sky. His feed moved on their own as he walked towards the Dark Forest's edge, steering clear of the small hut with its vegetable beds. The forest's darkness got closer and closer as Remus tried not to leave any tracks or be seen.

Rustling and cracking noises sounded from the thick darkness and Remus was sure that the forest's inhabitants had already taken notice of him; some of them with fear and some with suspicion and the urge to protect their territory. Remus entered the darkness with mixed feelings fighting to gain the upper hand in his chest. An old, familiar anxiety filled his mind but it was quickly enriched with strange comfort as he felt the soft mossy ground beneath his feet and the smell of fir needles reached his nostrils.

Without further hesitation he kept walking; he took no turns and just headed straight into the darkness. They would find him; he wouldn't have to bother to look for them and yet his wand was still packed away in his pockets instead of in his hand. He had already lost all sense for orientation and time as a sudden movement to his left made him stop dead in his tracks.

He turned around to the source of the quiet, almost inaudible, noise; hooves on moss, the stretching of a bowstring... He slowly lifted his hands and looked right at the arrow directed at him in a few metres distance.

"You know me. I respect your authority in these woods and I have no intention to question or undermine it," said Remus; his mouth suddenly dry.

Half a dozen Centaurs stepped out of the shadows around him and every single one of them was aiming their bow at him, ready to shoot any moment.

"What are you doing here, wolf?" eventually asked a Centaur with shiny, ebony hair.

Remus took a few seconds to arrange his thoughts...he better come down to a point, no matter how risky it was.

"I'm fully aware that you are in charge in this forest and that's why I came here; because I rely on your blessing. A conflict is the last thing I want. This forest might seem scaring for outsiders...wizards...and that's perfectly fine. But it's also a safe place for magical creatures! Unicorns, Acromantulas...and now _I_ ask you to accept _us_. I'm leading a group of Werewolves who followed me and trust me. We're threatened by Greyback and his pack and we need a safe place to live. That's what I came here to ask you for. Harbour and accept us. We won't harm any magical creatures; I can't guarantee for a dead rabbit one full-moon from time to time, though. I plead you to accept us because our future and safety depend on your decision," explained Remus, trying to sound as calm as possible as he looked into the black Centaur's eyes.

"He wants to bring wolves into the forest, Bane! It is bad enough that he dared to come here. They will only bring great danger. We should kill him and every one of his kind with him," intervened a furious looking white Centaur.

"I will not shed any blood!" said another young Centaur and let down his bow.

"Then I will have to do it!" said the white one frowningly.

"The stars didn't tell us of such thing. There would be great change, yes. But there was no sign of evil upon this forest," soothed a brown Centaur.

Tense and nervous, Remus turned away from the arrows which were still directed at him and looked back at Bane.

"You never harmed any magical creature of this forest, wolf. We may know you. But we don't know those you intend to bring with you. Will you vouch for them?" said Bane eventually.

"Yes," replied Remus firmly. "If anyone of us harms a magical creature, we will leave. All of us. I promise."

"That is how it should be then. Find yourselves a shelter. But avoid the east; the spiders won't tolerate you anywhere near them. We will watch you," said Bane and his tone indicated that this conversation was over.

Even the white Centaur lowered his bow now and they disappeared into the shadows again.

.

"You're back!" heard Remus before a wave of pink hair took his sight and two arms wrapped around his neck.

"Yes, I'm back. And still in one piece," mumbled Remus smirking and gently pushed her away to look at her.

"That means they said yes, doesn't it?" asked Ben incredulously.

"Yes," replied Remus. "But I had to vouch for everyone's mistakes. If we harm only one single magical creature, we will have to leave without any chance of return. All of us."

Ben nodded with a serious expression and yet Remus could read the mixed feelings inside him. On the one hand he was relieved because of the surprisingly good news. But on the other hand he seemed pretty nervous and uncomfortable in the presence of Sirius, who was sitting at the kitchen table behind them.

"I think we should lead them there tomorrow. The sooner the better," said Remus tired and sat down.

"Good. I'll be here after work at six. See you then, I should get going," said Ben and hurried out of number 12.

.

Tonks' worried gaze followed him while Remus' eyes flickered over to Sirius, who, to Remus' surprise, looked just as worried, his eyes fixed on the door Ben had disappeared through only seconds ago.

"I guess I should get some sleep. How about you, wolfie?" said Tonks and tried to bite back a big yawn.

"Yes...I'll come up with you," sighed Remus. "Night, Sirius."

"Night..." mumbled the Animagus gloomily while he scratched over the table top with his nails.

As soon as he heard the couple's footsteps on the stairs, he let out a long, exhausted sigh and rubbed his face with his hands.

It couldn't go on like that. Ben did everything he could to avoid him. Only a few months ago, they had been laughing, chatting and drinking together...and now he always felt the urge to run away when he met the Werewolf. And Ben obviously felt the same way... Sirius had tried to forget about it, to swallow his confusion and remorse, but he couldn't do it...and it had already been half a year now. He just had to apologize. And so Sirius made his decision and left the dim kitchen as well...


	3. this one evening

**Hey everyone! *group hug***

**I'm so annoyed with myself right now, guys...I've been translating and reviewing and checking the 3rd chapter all day so I'd be able to upload it for you. And I almost uploaded it when I suddenly realized that I've been actually working on the 4th chapter the whole time while the actual 3rd chapter was waiting for its big moment in my folder, already finished and all (at least I think that I already checked it for mistakes, so feel free to tell me if there are any mistakes!)...thank you brain for all this unnecessary stress. The things I do for you... ;) *petting Pablo to calm down***

**You know what would be great after all this chaos? Some reviews from you! Your feedback would make up for all this hubbub * wink wink***

**Anyway...I'll just give you the chap without further ado and save my fanfiction suggestion for the next chapter. **

**Enjoy! *preparing hot chocolate for everyone***

**xo PablosGirl**

Aereal: Thank you very much for the review, I'm glad you enjoy this part so far :) My writing has improved? Oh boy, that's music to my ears...eyes...ears...anyway :D Thank you so much! I hope you enjoy this one as well!

danadanaBATMAN: Thank you very much for your feedback! :) I'm glad you liked it! Enjoy!

remusdora: I'm fine, thank you :3 Thank you very much for your review! I really appreciate that you always tell me what you liked the most about the chap :) I hope you enjoy this one too! :)

klainebows101: Thank you so much for your feedback! :) I'm glad you enjoy my story so much, that's an awesome compliment :) *blushs* I'm afraid there won't be any unicorns in this story but you know what would freak me out? Minotaurs! I mean...a human body with a bull's head? Creepy... ;) Anyway, I hope you enjoy this chapter as well!

* * *

When Remus woke up the next morning he didn't find Tonks snuggled up to his side as usual. She was instead lying on her back, hands folded on her stomach, and looked at the ceiling with a frown covering her forehead.

"Dora?" asked Remus sleepily.

But she only let out a long sigh as an answer. When Remus moved to roll on his side to look at her, she eventually started to speak.

"Do you think they'll ever sort things out?" asked the witch quietly.

Remus immediately understood.

"Sirius and Ben? I have no idea...Ben is still pretty hurt. He already lived with the thought that no one really wanted or accepted him...and then this happened to top it off...and Sirius..." mumbled Remus and sank back into his pillow.

"Sirius knows that he made a mistake, Remus. And he's sorry. Haven't you seen his expression whenever Ben's around?" replied Tonks.

"Yes, I did see that," said Remus as he thought back to the last evening. "But after all, he's Sirius."

"Yeah..." said Tonks, sighed once more and placed a kiss on his cheek before getting up.

.

In the late afternoon of the same day, Sirius shuffled through the empty Black Mansion.

Remus and Tonks had already left for work hours ago and Remus would only be late since he had to tell the other Werewolves of their new shelter.

But maybe Tonks was already home?

And so he gently knocked on her door and carefully opened it just to find her room, as he had secretly expected, to be empty. But instead his eyes were caught by some of Remus stuff lying aound her room; books, shirts...a small smile played on Sirius' lips at the sight.

But it suddenly froze again as he noticed something else on the wall. Three man were waving at him from a magic photo; winter-coat clad and with cheerful smiles on their faces...Remus, Ben and Sirius himself.

He couldn't remember Tonks taking this and yet it immediately reminded him of the friendly ease that had once been between him and Ben and was now displaced by cold avoidance.

On the spur of the moment, Sirius turned on his heel, put on his cloak and left the old, grim house, not knowing that green flames would burst to life in the empty kitchen's fireplace mere moments later...

.

Sirius had already been standing in front of Ben's door for five minutes, lifting his fist again and again to knock, just to let it sink down again. Then he suddenly heard footsteps from behind the door and forced himself to do it.

*knock, knock, knock*

The footsteps seemed to stop; a rustling, another hesitant pause, then the door slowly opened a few inches and Ben's frowning face appeared in the gap. Sirius just forced a crooked smile because he didn't know what else he could possibly have done in this situation.

"Sirius...what are you doing here? What happened?" asked Ben confused without opening the door any further.

"No...well. I...actually wanted to talk to you," stammered Sirius and waited for Ben's reaction while the Werewolf seemed to quietly think about what he'd just heard. Eventually he sighed and opened the door completely.

"Come on in, I've just been making some tea anyway," said Ben and it sounded like he was slightly annoyed by his own politeness.

Sirius nervously entered the apartment, stranding in the middle of the living-room, all dressed up and with nowhere to go. Ben shot him a sceptical glance and gestured at the soda.

"You can take a seat, if you like," mumbled Ben and he almost sounded a bit amused by Sirius' sudden insecurity.

And so Sirius sat down and as soon as his back hit the back-rest his mind was flooded with thoughts.

_Ben's sofa...wait a minute...didn't Remus sit on this butt-naked once? Merlin! Did Ben, too? Great...he already lay next to me like that..._

"Do you want milk?" sounded Ben's voice from the kitchen and Sirius was snapped from his thoughts with a start.

"What? Err, yes, thanks," rasped Sirius and shook his head to get rid of the images settling in front of his mind's eye.

Ben walked back into the room only seconds later and placed a steaming mug in front of him. The Werewolf sat down in an armchair with a long sigh, watching Sirius, who looked at his mug completely mesmerized.

"Don't worry, you can drink it. I didn't poison it," said Ben smirking but he quickly bit his smile back.

Sirius's sight was just too funny...he looked so helpless, like a little puppy, almost cute in a way...Ben quickly withdrew that thought again.

"I didn't think so! Although you'd have all the reason to do so," replied Sirius mumbling, trying to sound as casual as possible.

"What do you mean?" asked Ben after a few seconds of awkward silence.

Sirius had dreaded and, at the same time, waited for this moment for so long. He took a deep breath, placed his mug on the coffee table and looked up at Ben, who was watching him with tilted head.

.

"Ben...the reason I actually came here...you know...oh, screw it! I screwed it up. I didn't mean it back then...that morning...after," struggled Sirius to say.

"The morning after _what_, Sirius?! We have no clue what happened at all!" replied Ben, suddenly much less calm.

"We don't know if nothing happened, either," replied Sirius tonelessly.

"Because you never gave me the chance to find out! Instead you marked me as the guilty one, just because I...just because I'm the gay one of the two of us," said Ben pretty upset but now his voice was laced with quiet hurt.

Sirius felt a physical sting in his stomach as he looked up at Ben.

"That's the reason I'm here...I shouldn't have started all that again, you're right. I'm not that good with such things, obviously...but I wanted to apologize to you. I fucked it up...big time. I shouldn't have yelled at you like that. And I shouldn't have made you feel like you're guilty. I'm sorry, Ben."

For a few moments the room was filled with a sick silence as Ben looked into his cup with an unreadable expression across his face.

"It's okay," he eventually mumbled.

"Hm?" said Sirius confused which conjured a small smile on Ben's lips.

"I accept your apology, even though I have to admit that it hurt me pretty much..." said Ben quietly and looked into Sirius' eyes.

"I know...I knew I made a big mistake..." replied Sirius, looking like a rueful dog.

Ben swallowed hard...should he really dare to ask? What if Sirius got it wrong and he'd ruin it all again?

"Sirius...only one question. Why didn't you just keep going the way it was? Why was it so important for you to clear this up and apologize?" asked Ben eventually but he wouldn't get his answer.

Because right at that moment, a silver wolf floated through the window, stopped in front of Sirius and started to speak with Remus' voice.

"Sirius, you have to come home, immediately! It's about Harry! Hurry up!"

Remus' tone left no doubt about the urgency and so Sirius jumped up, grabbed his cloak and disapparated...with Ben on his heels, leaving two half-empty tea cups behind.

.

"What happened?" yelled Sirius without hesitation as he stormed into the kitchen.

"Calm down and listen to me, Sirius," said Remus as he lifted both his hands.

"Where is Harry? What happened to him?" pressed Sirius.

"He's at the Department of Mysteries with Ron, Hermione, Ginny, Neville and Luna. We down know why yet, Dumbledore just said it had something to do with you, I don't know what he meant. But he said you should stay here, it would be too dangerous if you joined us, don't ask me why. I got his message only five minutes ago," explained Remus as briefly as possible but he already knew that there was no chance Sirius would just stay here and wait for them to rescue his godson.

"WHAT?! I'll come with you! What is he thinking?!" growled Sirius and clenched his hand around his wand.

"Sirius..." mumbled Remus in one last, tired attempt to convince him.

"No!" yelled Sirius furiously and Remus nodded, turned around to the green flames in the fireplace.

Ben had just watched them silently but when his gaze met Remus', he too nodded and followed them into the green fire...

.

Ben's head was buzzing with dozens of thoughts as they ran through the Ministry's deserted entrance hall.

Only a few hours ago he had been sitting at home in blissful ignorance. Then suddenly Sirius had appeared, had apologized to him...and now they were running through the Ministry of Magic to rescue Harry Potter from the Deatheaters.

He didn't pay attention to his surrounding until they reached a dark, gloomy corridor, completely panelled in ebony wood. There was only one single door at the end of the corridor. A tall figure was standing in front of it.

"Remus, finally you're here. And I see you brought some back-up. Good. Alastor, Kingsley and Tonks already went ahead," said Dumbledore seriously and worry reflected in his eyes as he saw Remus swallowing hard at Tonks' name.

And so they followed Dumbledore through the mysterious door into a round room with nothing but other doors around them. The door banged shut behind their backs and suddenly the world started to blur in front of Remus eyes...until he realized that the walls around them were spinning, leaving them completely disoriented.

"What now?" asked Sirius impatiently and turned around in the dim, blue-ish light.

"This way!" said Dumbledore after a few seconds and pointed at a door to their left.

And his intuition didn't fail. As soon as he opened the door the sound of battle cries and hissing hexes filled the air around them. Without further hesitation the four men stormed into the room.

Sirius immediately ran to Harry who struggled to defend himself against the curses flying through the air around them.

"Sirius!" he yelled, partly shocked, partly relieved.

"Take shelter, grab the others and get the hell out of here!" yelled Sirius over the battle noise without looking at him, constantly parrying off the Deatheaters' curses.

"Neville!" yelled Harry suddenly and when Sirius turned around to Frank and Alice's son, he knew why.

They slowly but surely made their way through the room to defend Neville, who was defencelessly lying on the floor with no control over his kicking, struggling legs.

Remus was fighting with Lucius Malfoy on the other side of the cave-like room.

"Pettigrew's a pathetic weakling, but you won't get my, Werewolf!" yelled Malfoy with a mad grin while he shot one curse after another at Remus.

The latter was ignoring his words; he already had his hands full fending off his curses and walking backwards up the uneven stone stairs.

Then suddenly Malfoy froze and fell to the ground like a stone figure. Remus' puzzled gaze met Sirius who was standing a few metres behind Malfoy, his wand still pointed at the Deatheater and a satisfied smirk on his lips.

The two old friends held the eye-contact for a few moments and Remus nodded gratefully when something else caught their attention.

"Aaaargh!" A pained cry echoed through the stone hall and the two men immediately recognized who it belonged to...Ben.

The young Werewolf was duelling a heavy-built Deatheater who let out a triumphant laugh after his hit and kept shooting curses at Ben who clenched his right upper arm with his free left hand. His clothes were cut open to the skin and the fabric around slowly turned red as the blood dripped over his fingers covering the wound.

Both Remus and Sirius made a move to run to his help when a sudden angry spark flashed the Werewolf's eyes and he hit the unprepared Deatheater with a strong shock-curse; the masked man was thrown against the wall where he collapsed on the floor.

Sirius was more than surprised by the Werewolf's sudden outburst and as he looked over at Remus there was something astonished, almost proud, in his expression as well.

With a small grin on his lips he looked at the scenery for another second until Harry warned him of the next attack and they picked up their own fight again.

Remus hurried over to Neville and ended his struggle with a mumbled "Finite!"

"Thanks!" mumbled Neville heavily breathing and stood up but Remus didn't even pay him attention...in all this turmoil he had lost sight of Dora so now he scanned the whole room for her pink hair. And eventually, he found her and his eyes widened. She was duelling Bellatrix Lestrange on the other side of the hall.

But as he looked closer it didn't even look like Lestrange was attacking her...Tonks literally ran into her line of fire again and again, just as if to block the curses from their actual target. Curses which were meant for Sirius.

Remus only snapped out of his watching-trance as something bumped into his side. It was Ben, who was attacked by two Deatheaters, and so the two Werewolves fought together, back to back, while the deafening battle noise echoed from the walls around them.

.

As soon as they had shocked their enemies a few minutes later, Remus started to look around for his Dora again. And when he spotted her this time, his heart skipped a beat. She wasn't bravely duelling like before. Neither was she defending herself against a shower of curses. She was falling, like in slow-motion, her wand slid from her pale fingers and she fell down the stairs and out of Remus' sight.

For a few seconds, Remus thought he was dreaming but then a strange feeling filled his chest, trying to choke him, when Tonks didn't get up from behind the ruins to brush the dust off her robes with a smile. He wanted to dash off, no matter who shot curses at him, no matter who he was ignoring, he just wanted to get to her.

Mad-Eye, who seemed injured himself, crawled over to his favourite student.

Remus had almost reached the two Aurors when the world collapsed on top of him. Everything happened at once, while the noise of cries, hissing curses and bursting stone still filled the air.

Ben was screaming.

"Sirius!"

Remus automatically turned his head to look over where Sirius had just been standing.

The Animagus was right in front of the old stone archway; the ragged, black veil moved like it was reaching out for him. Sirius' eyes widened in shock as a purple curse hit him right in the chest and he collapsed towards the archway.

The nasty sound of tiny stones scratching over the stone floor told Remus that Ben had dashed off. He was only metres away when Sirius body hit the floor. The dark veil sank down with one last imperceptible breeze and brushed over Sirius.

The world seemed to crumble around Remus but for a few seconds, which felt like hours, he heard nothing. The cries had vanished; the curses silently darted through the air around him. All he could do was stand there, frozen, and watch the madness in front of his eyes.

Ben eventually reached Sirius, pulled his lifeless body away from the veil and hectically tried to feel his pulse, still defending himself against the curses.

.

The noise grew louder again and Remus snapped out of his state of shock. The hisses of curses, the screams of Order members, Bellatrix Lestrange's crazy laughter.

"I killed Sirius Black, I killed Sirius Black! Ahahaha!"

Something moved in the corner of Remus' eye. Harry dashed towards Lestrange, ignoring the raging fight around him. And so did Remus. He crossed the boy's path and gripped his arms, holding him back with as Harry struggled to free himself.

"She killed him! She killed Sirius!" screamed Harry furiously.

Remus' gaze wandered through the room until they met Dumbledore's. The headmaster looked over at the archway, an unreadable expression on his face, and then back at Remus; he shook his head.

Remus dropped his exhausted arms and let go of Harry who dashed off and followed Lestrange with Dumbledore on his heels.

Remus turned around and hurried over to Tonks. He didn't pay any attention, didn't look left or right; all that mattered to him right now was to reach her and protect her.

"Remus!" yelled Kingsley to his right, but it was already too late.

Something hit him hard in the shoulder and he was thrown to the ground, a piercing, burning pain went through his chest. When the blackness vanished from his eyes again he was lying on the floor, only one metre away from...

Tonks..., he thought and he reached out to press two fingers against her cold neck.

Was that an obscure pulse he felt...or just his own blood dripping over his fingertips?

The outnumbered Deatheaters fled one after another, leaving behind a scene of destruction: dust in the air, crumbled stone on the floor, bleeding Order members.

In the middle of the room, Ben powerlessly sank down on his knees.

His whole arm was numb; the fabric of his blood-soaked shirt stuck to his wound and pulled on his skin as he bent forward to support himself on his hands while his wand rolled over the stone floor with a low, clinking sound...it was over.


	4. at the end of the day

**Hey everyone! *group hug***

**I hope you all had a wonderful weekend and I'm happy to welcome you back to a new chapter!**

**It's actually pretty short, but it felt quite long to write it...so this is either a good sign ooor a very bad sign ;) Anyway...it's kind of a fill-in chap and I promise to update soon because this one's so short.  
**

**Here are some suggestions what you could read in the meantime: **

**If you haven't yet, I invite you to give my oneshot "Lady Gammy-Foot" a try. I think you'd enjoy it!**

**On top of this I would really like to recommend one of my all time favourite fanfiction to you guys! It's the first fanfiction I ever read (!) and I recently found it here! It was already finished years ago, around the time when the fifth book was published, so it's obviously AU and therefore it's no Remus/Tonks story. There's a very important OC (nooo, no Mary Sue, don't worry). It's called "Echoes In Eternity" by "The Jedi Wizard Hobbit". Give it a try, you'll love it! :3**

**Anyway, I think I'll suggest some of my favourites more often in the future because I read some really good stuff recently. **

**Enough boring author talk, here it goes! **

**Enjoy! *preparing hot chocolate for everyone***

**xo PablosGirl**

**PS: I had already written all the review-replies and everything so I clicked "save"...and then the site suddenly decided that I wasn't logged in and kicked me out -.- well, thank you very much fanfiction dot net...  
**

Aereal: Thank you very much for your review! At least be both know what we meant now ;) Enjoy the chapter and your cookies!

Is A Bell X3: Hmm, you're really good at guessing what I'm up to...you'll get some answers in the next chapters ;) But do you really think I could kill Sirius like that? Naaah... ;) Anyway, thank you very much for your review and your constant feedback! I really appreciate it! Enjoy the chap!

ShadowHermione2211: YES! YEEEES! Muahahaha! Oh...*clears throat* You'll see what happens in the next few chaps ;) Thank you for your feedback, I'm glad you liked it! Enjoy!

klainebows101: Chapter update to the rescue! Thank you very much for your review. Enjoy the chap! :)

JKStorm501: Don't worry, there's still hope, you'll see in this chapter :) Thank you very much for your feedback, I really appreciate it! I'm glad you liked tha last chap and I hope you enjoy this one as well. By the way: does your username have anything to do with Storm from X-Men? I'm really not a comic-expert but the combination of your username and -picture somehow remind me of her. :)

danadanaBATMAN: Yay, I'm happy you liked it! Thank you very much for your review and yout constant feeback! I really appreciate it :3 And now enjoy the chapter and all those emotions...hopefully ;)

* * *

The last minutes felt like a nightmare for Ben. When he lifted his gaze from the cold stone floor, covered in rubble, dust and his own blood, he looked from the lifeless Sirius in front of him to Remus and Tonks, who were lying in the ruins motionless, blood dripping from their wounds like thick, red ink.

Moody and Kingsley were already hurrying over to them. On the other side of the room, Neville and Hermione were staring around in shock until the young witch's eyes suddenly found him. She covered her mouth with her hand to stifle a cry as her eyes widened even more.

_Sirius!_

Ben snapped out of it and quickly turned to the Animagus by his side again. He tried to open the first buttons of his shirt with his left hand and felt his pulse, pressing two fingers against Sirius' neck...and found a weak but steady throb. He bent over the Animagus, careful not to support himself on his injured right arm, and held his ear only inches over Sirius' lips...a slight breeze tingled his skin; Sirius was breathing.

.

Something was shaking Remus shoulders, slowly bringing the Werewolf back to consciousness and he opened his heavy eyelids.

"Remus!" repeated Kingsley again and again until said man sat up with heavy coughs.

_Where was he...Dora!_

Remus looked around and spotted Mad-Eye next to them. He had conjured a stretcher which floated in the air with the unconscious Tonks on top of it.

Remus quickly jumped to his feet but immediately everything started to spin in front of his eyes and he had to support himself on Kingsley's shoulder.

"Sirius! He's alive!" Ben's voice suddenly echoed from the stone walls.

Remus nervously looked from Tonks to Ben and back again, not sure what to do.

"Just go, we'll take her to St. Mungo's," grumbled Moody and started to move with the levitating Tonks in front of him.

As fast as his dizzy head and aching body allowed, Remus ran over to Ben, cowered next to him and placed his own hand on Sirius' neck.

"But he..." mumbled Remus quietly and looked up at the strange veil which was still moving in slow waves.

"No, he didn't fall through it! It just brushed over him...or something like that. I couldn't see it but when I reached him I pulled him away. He already didn't move then. I don't know..." explained ben completely desperate.

"He doesn't seem badly injured, just a little cut from the fall," mumbled Remus to himself and closed the mentioned wound with a gentle touch of his wand.

"Sirius!" said Ben firmly and carefully shook the Animagus' shoulder.

No reaction.

"He's not unconscious...he looks like he's...sleeping," said Remus pensively as he watched his old friend as a stinging pain went through his own head again.

He closed his eyes with a pained expression and supported himself on his arm.

"We better take him to St. Mungo's...and you, too," said Ben as he eyed the cut across Remus' temple with a worried expression while they helped each other to their feet.

"Says the one with the minced limb," murmured Remus under his breath and looked at Ben's blood soaked arm.

.

One hour later, both Remus and Ben were patched up provisionally. With his hands in his pockets, Remus walked up to Moody who was standing in front of Tonks' room with a grim expression.

"The healer said she has to stay for another one or two days, just to make sure she's all right," mumbled Remus tiredly, his eyes focused on the ground.

"And what about you? You were hit pretty hard...they should keep you here, too," grumbled the Auror.

"Hmm, Werewolf," was Remus' only answer and he shrugged his shoulders.

"How come you've been hit at all, boy? You're usually a good fighter, vigilant and all..." huffed Moody.

"I...was distracted. I saw how Dora getting hit...how she fell. All I could think of was to get to her; I guess I blocked out everything else around me. I know it was a mistake..." explained Remus in a low voice and for the first time he realized how dangerous his behaviour had actually been.

He could have died, hit by an "Avada Kedavra" out of pure negligence...

"Constant vigilance, boy, constant vigilance," grumbled Moody but it sounded somehow bitter.

He might not show it very often, but everyone in the Order knew how much he cared for Tonks...

"What about Sirius?" asked Moody after a minute of thick silence.

"They don't know. He's alive, breathing, his heart is beating. But he doesn't react, seems to sleep. Ben said he pulled him out from under the veil. I don't know," mumbled Remus bitterly and scratched over the rubber floor with his foot.

A grumbly huff was Moody's only answer because at that moment a healer approached them.

"I'm glad to tell you that Miss Tonks will soon be back on her feet again. It will probably be more difficult to make her get some rest. But when it comes to Mr. Black, we're clueless. We never saw something like that. Even the most experienced of my colleagues don't know what to do. He seems to be in some kind of coma," explained the healer to the two scarred men.

"And...and what does that mean?" asked Remus confused and unwittingly ran his fingers through his shaggy hair.

"He's in a stable condition...we could keep him here but there's no medical need for it. I think it might be helpful if you take him home. The familiar surroundings could help him wake up again. I hate to say it, but we're at our wits' end," said the healer apologetically.

_Home...,_ thought Remus disdainful. _If there's one place Sirius hates, then it's this bloody house._

"Alright, we'll take him home," replied Remus with a brief nod.

"If he wakes up or if there's anything you want to know, please contact me! You have my contact details. I wish you all the best," said the healer and walked off again.

_If he wakes up..._

"I'll just quickly check on Tonks," mumbled Remus and gave Moody a last nod.

He slowly opened the door to her room and carefully closed it behind him again, trying to make as little noise as possible.

Tonks was not alone; she was sharing the room with another, older woman. At first she gave him a polite, honest smile but when she noticed his tattered clothes, his pale skin and scars, her eyes widened and the smile died on her lips.

Remus knitted his brows and turned to Tonks instead; the old witch's gaze was following him, he could feel her eyes on his back.

"Hey...Tonks. I just wanted to say good night," whispered Remus from his position at the end of the bed while his fingers gently brushed over the blanket covering her feet.

"Hey...did they finally patch you up?" asked Tonks sleepily and opened her eyes.

Her hand patted the chair next to her bed invitingly. With a short glance at her room mate, who was still eyeing him suspiciously, Remus sat down.

"I didn't mean to wake you up, I'm sorry," he mumbled and took her hand in his, gently stroking it with his thumb.

"Don't worry...I'd love to go home now but they won't let me. What did they say about Sirius?" replied Tonks with a crooked smile which quickly vanished again as she mentioned her cousin.

As soon as she had recovered her consciousness she had drilled Moody with questions about the others and had been more than shocked as he had told her about Sirius' condition.

"They just don't know, told us to take him home...the familiar atmosphere could help," mumbled Remus exhausted, rested his elbows on his knees and covered his face in his hands.

He actually didn't want to show any weakness in front of Tonks. But now that he talked about it again, it all burst down on him...fear, exhaustion, horror, pain, worry...Of course, Dora was fine and they had managed to bring the children out of it...But Sirius' mysterious state was constantly preying on his mind. For a few, terrible moments he had thought that Sirius was dead, gone and lost once and for all. But now Remus was helpless; he couldn't do anything but wait...and he loathed it.

"Hey...it...it will be fine. Sirius already went through a lot in his life. I...I don't know," mumbled Tonks and started to scratch around on her nails.

Remus silently took her hands in his and gently squeezed them. Tonks looked down on their entangled fingers with a sad smile for a few moments until she lifted her gaze to Remus' vacant expression.

"Go home, Remus, I'm safe here. Try to get some sleep, okay?" she said gently, disengaged their fingers and caressed the back of his hand.

"Okay," mumbled Remus, slightly turned his head as if to look back at the old witch, and placed a chaste kiss on Tonks' forehead.

An understanding smirk played on Tonks' lips as she looked after Remus who had gotten up to leave the room. He shot the old witch a last glare which obviously had the desired effect because she wouldn't dare to say one single word about the dodgy man towards Tonks...

.

It was already late at night when Remus dragged himself down the creaking wooden stair with heavy steps. He had brought Sirius back into his room and now, after he had checked on him at least five times, his exhaustion got the best of him.

The hallway was pitch black, but Remus didn't care...his wolf senses would guide him through the dark anyway. Nothing seemed more irrelevant to him right now than the lighting in this bloody house...He put up a fire in the living-room fireplace with a whisk of his wand, grabbed a glass and the opened bottle of firewhisky and slumped down onto the sofa. Only now that he sat down for the first time in hours, he felt how much his chest ached under each deep breath he drew.

Clenching his teeth, he watched the amber liquid flowing into his, generously filled, glass. He emptied it in one big gulp and screwed up his face as it burned its way down his throat.

_How can Sirius drink this stuff all the time?_, thought Remus and he almost smiled at the thought.

He put down his glass with much more force than necessary and ran his hands through his shaggy hair, even pulling on it. His hands sank down again, burying his face in his palms, and he finally gave in to the burning sensation in his eyes.

All the tears he had held back for hours streamed down his cheeks, dripped down his hands until the rolled up sleeves of his shirt soaked them up, turning light blue cotton into salty polka dots.

A silent shudder rolled through his body as he sat in the living-room, crying all by himself...what if he lost Sirius? What if his best friend just left, leaving him behind on his own? The last one of four friends...he, the Werewolf? This must be a bad joke, a very bad one...it couldn't be true! The last hours had just been too much for him...this emotional rollercoaster, sending him from deep falls of fear into loops of relief and hope...and now he was left with nothing but sheer helplessness.

It took him a few minutes to calm down again and so he leant back, his arms dropping to his sides as the tears kept streaming down his cheeks.

.

Only when he felt a warm hand on his shoulder, he averted his gaze from the fire to find two familiar eyes looking down on him. Without a word he looked back into the bright flames again after a few seconds. Ben didn't say anything either; he just walked over to the cabinet, got himself a glass and poured them another drink. An exhausted sigh left his lunges as he sat down with Remus, who swallowed hard to keep himself from sobbing. Ben knew him well enough and so he just briefly squeezed his arm and joined him in watching the flames. When Remus finally looked over to him with salty tracks on his cheeks, he saw that there were tears running down Ben's face as well, reflecting in the fire's yellow shine.

"I'm scared, Remus," said Ben bitterly without looking at him. "We already have one foot in the war..."

"I know," replied Remus hoarsely.

A thick silence filled the room again until his second whisky remembered Remus of something else.

"How come you arrived with Sirius?" asked Remus.

"He was with me when he got your message," replied Ben.

"Why?" inquired Remus as he turned his head to look at him.

"He apologized...for his behaviour at New Year's," answered Ben and watched the amber liquid swirl around as he gently swivelled his glass.

"And...how are you going to carry on now?" asked Remus and immediately regretted his question as he felt a physical sting in his chest.

"I don't know," replied Ben shrugging. "That's all we talked about...then your Patronus arrived."

Another long silence ensued until Remus broke it with a long sigh.

"I should go upstairs," he mumbled.

"You should get some sleep. You know where I am if you need me," replied Ben but he frowned as Remus suddenly shook his head.

"I won't go to bed. I carried an armchair into Sirius room. I'll stay with him as long as I can...I want to visit Dora again in the morning," mumbled Remus and stood up.

"Just get some sleep, Remus. I'll stay with him when you're gone, don't worry," said Ben.

"Are you sure? You don't have to..."

"It's fine, Remus...I'm awfully worried, too. I guess I better stay here for a while then."

"You really don't have to. I can tell you when I leave so you can stay at home until then," replied Remus exhausted.

"What if I tell you that I want to stay?" asked Ben with a sad smile.

"Thank you, Ben," said Remus gratefully, patted his shoulder and left into the hallway.

The little lamp on Sirius' bedside table was still shining as Remus entered the room. He had turned it on as soon as they had returned to number 12...just in case...

And so he slumped down into the old armchair, trying to find a reasonably comfortable position and quickly dozed off...


	5. awakening

**Hey everyone! *group hug***

**Tadaa, here it is, the next chapter :3 I hope you enjoy it!**

**You know what was the most difficult part of translating this one? No? Well, believe me or not, but it took me quite a while and some web search to find the right onomatopoeia for a human pulse...no joke! So here I am, uploading this chapter, hoping for "thumb thumb" to be the right words to describe the feeling/noise of a pulse. *sigh* first world problems...**

**By the way: I recently fell in love with a British TV-show called QI. It's basically about general knowledge and common misconceptions and it's really funny! Stephen Fry is one of the most intelligent and at the same time funny people I've ever seen (I can't get his "Gooood evening, good evening, good evening, good evening and welcome to QI!" out of my head). And Alan Davies is just hilarious, like a little boy/teenager trapped in the body of an adult. :) So now I'm binge-watching QI on youtube...give it a try, you'll enjoy it! Little extra fangirl-tip: there's an episode (about magic) with Daniel Radcliffe as well ;) **

**Fanfiction-suggestion of the day: "Biscuits" by "dontstealmyvitaminies" A funny, little, multi-chaptered fanfiction about Remus and Tonks with a little twist: it's not love at first sight...quite the opposite. I really enjoyed it and I think you'll like it as well. So feel free to give it a try!**

***preparing hot chocolate and home-made muffins for everyone***

**Have fun and let me know what you think about it!**

**xo PablosGirl**

JKStorm501: Thank you very much for your feedback! :3 I just don't have the heart to kill Sirius :) Well, then that's a great picture-nickname combination! I have to admit that I've only seen the X-Men films...shame on me, I know! But then again, who could resist Hugh Jackman with sideburns? ;) Hmm, PablosGirl...probably a subconcious confession that I can't resist Pablo if he looks at me with those sad, hungry puppy-eyes...he always gets the last bit of toast or yogurt...sneaky little mutt. And yes, my profile picture is a close up of Pablo's face ;) I hope you enjoy this chapter as well!

danadanaBATMAN: What? Only a tube of emotion? I was hoping for a sharknado of emotions ;) Just kidding! Thank you very much for your feedback! Enjoy the chap!

remusdora: Thank you very much for both reviews! :) Did you really think I could kill Sirius? Naaaah ;) I'm glad you enjoyed the last chapter so much. Remus will still be a little bit depressed in this one, but it will be fine, you'll see. A big hug to you, too! Enjoy!

Moewe: We already wrote via mail but I still want to keep up the tradition and officially welcome you to my story! *offering welcome-chocolate-bar* It's nice to have you here! Thank you so, so much for this awsome review (I already replied to it via e-mail)! I'm glad you enjoy this story so far and I hope you'll like this chapter as well! :) Your last review sums it up pretty well: this chapter will be a little light in the dark before all the trouble ahead of them and the war at their doorstep. Enjoy the chapter!

Guest: *mumble, mumble* hmmm...six times twelve *scratches head* hmm...times ten...Wohooo! 720 cookies for me! Wohooo...I'm going to be...fat. ;) Thank you so much for your lovely review. I'm not sure if you don't have an account or if you just didn't log in so just in case: Welcome to my story! *offering welcome-chocolate-bar* It's great to have you here! So you read my other stuff as well? Awesome :3 I'm glad you liked it so far! Enjoy the chap!

klainebows101: Yay, chocolate :3 Thank you very much for your review! I just don't have the heart to let anyone go...I just couldn't do it, Sirius had to live ;) I hope you like this chap as well, enjoy!

* * *

Remus awoke to find his neck stiff and aching. This armchair was clearly not a suitable sleeping accommodation, but after all, there was no help for it...As soon as the memories had flooded his still dozing mind, he quickly opened his eyes but his shoulders sagged down again under the weight of his disappointment. Sirius was still lying in his bed, looking like he hadn't moved a single inch during the night. Remus drew a deep breath and heaved himself out of the armchair, stretching his sore muscles as he walked over to his friend.

"Sirius?" he whispered and gently squeezed the Animagus' shoulder.

Nothing. His chest was still lifting and lowering steadily and yet Remus reached out and pressed two fingers against the warm skin of Sirius' neck.

_Thump thump...thump thump...thump thump..._

Unable to cope with this strange mix of sadness, despair and relief inside his chest, Remus straightened up, let his gaze linger over Sirius for a few moments and eventually left the dimly lit room. He tried to ignore the nagging buzz inside his head, put the kettle on for some tea and shuffled into the living-room.

One look over the sofa's backrest was enough to prove his assumption. Ben was lying on the sofa, rolled up into a ball. He was fully clothed and yet he seemed to be freezing as a thin blanket was the only thing sheltering him from the cold; the fire must've died hours ago. With a bitter smile on his lips, Remus walked around the sofa and kneeled down.

"Hey, Ben," he whispered, gently shaking the young man's shoulder.

"What?!" blurted Ben out as he jumped awake, looking at Remus like a deer in the headlights.

It took him a few seconds until the realization showed on his face.

"Don't you want to go upstairs to sleep...in a bed?" suggested Remus almost amused.

"I...no...I'm fine...more comfortable than it looks," mumbled Ben, stood up and immediately clutched his injured arm.

"Are you all right? It hurts, doesn't it?" asked Remus and straightened up, carefully stifling a painful moan himself.

"Just a little bit...nothing serious. What about Sirius?"

"Sleeping...well...he's still the same. Breathing, steady pulse...but he won't react," replied Remus and rubbed his face with his hand; he could almost feel Ben's disappointed look.

"Tea?" asked Remus eventually.

"Yep," replied Ben briefly and they silently walked over to the kitchen.

.

A few hours later, Remus was still sitting by Sirius' side, working on some papers he had asked Kingsley to owl him from the office. Attacks, sightings, kidnapped children...but there was no chance he would leave right now. He let out a long sigh and put the papers onto the small table next to him. He massaged his temples as he looked over to the motionless Sirius and then onto his watch, telling him that he had to leave in half an hour; Tonks was probably already waiting for him.

And so he just sat there until he realized that he started to doze off. He quickly shook it off and shifted his chair closer to Sirius. Remus flinched a little as he gently placed his cold hand on the warm skin of Sirius' forearm.

"Sirius...please come back...we need you, you know? I need you...I have to go but I'll be back soon, promise," mumbled Remus and blinked suspiciously as he got up and left the room, carefully paying attention to keep the little lamp on...

"You going?" asked Ben as Remus put on his cloak in the hallway.

"Yes...You'll stay with him, right?" replied Remus, his eyes locked on some buttons he was fiddling around with.

"Sure...say hello to Tonks for me, okay?" said Ben, patted his shoulder and walked upstairs as he heard the front door closing behind his back.

With a long, tired sigh, he closed Sirius' door behind himself and sat down in the armchair Remus had spent all night in.

"We're waiting for you, Sirius," he whispered and grabbed a book to keep himself from thinking too much.

.

Remus knocked on the door to Tonks' hospital room and entered with a tired smile, completely ignoring the old witch staring at him.

"Hey!" greeted Tonks cheerfully but worry quickly mingled into her expression.

"How are you? Did you get some rest?" he asked and dragged the chair a little closer to her bed so he could hold her outstretched hand.

"Yes...but they want me to stay until tomorrow...even though I'm completely fit again. You look tired. Didn't get much sleep, huh?" she mumbled and gave him a worried smile.

"Could say so, yes," he huffed sarcastically. "He hasn't woken up yet. Ben's with him at the moment...he was worried about you."

"How is he?" replied Tonks to keep herself from thinking about Sirius' condition...

"He's pretty tired, that's all," said Remus. "Any...incidents after I left yesterday?"

He briefly tilted his head towards the old witch.

"No, don't worry. Even if...I can handle it on my own. I miss you, Remus," she said and looked up at him with a sad smile.

"Hey, you can leave tomorrow. I'll pick you up in the afternoon and we'll go home, okay?" he mumbled and a small smile tugged at the corner of his lips.

.

The rest of the day moved only slowly and uneventfully. Even when Remus returned to number 12 a little later, absolutely nothing had changed about Sirius and so there were no news to tell Dumbledore either. Harry knew that his godfather hadn't died and yet he felt awfully guilty.

The sun was setting outside the window and so Remus went up the creaking stairs to finish his papers by Sirius' side. Another uncomfortable night was ahead of him but he wanted to stay with him nevertheless. He wanted to be there when he woke up, no matter how long it would take...

.

And so it was all the more difficult for him to leave the house the next day to pick up Tonks.

"I'll stay with him, Remus, don't wrack your brain over it. Just go and get Tonks and then we'll take it from there, okay?" said Ben with a tired smile, almost pushing Remus out of the house.

He slumped down in the armchair and let out a long sigh. The last days and the lack of sleep had taken their toll. The little lamp on the bedside table was the only thing illuminating the room as the heavy curtains were keeping any daylight out. Ben hesitated for a second before he tapped the lamp with his wand, found a reasonably comfortably position and dozed off.

He had fallen into a light sleep for half an hour when a dull rustling noise reached through the haze of sleep and into his ears...

.

Remus was sitting in Tonks' hospital room, helping her to fill in her release papers.

"Why do I have to fill in all this stuff? The Ministry already knows what happened, ugh..." mumbled Tonks to herself and struggled to bite back a laugh as she felt Remus' amused gaze on her.

"Because they're red tape naggers, that's why..." he replied chuckling and turned back to an especially complicated form which transformed his face into one big frown.

.

Sirius was incredibly tired, all his limps felt awkwardly heavy. It took him a while to wake up, drifting back into wakefulness only very hesitantly. He lingered in this light dozing state for a while until he realized that something was odd...

Something was wrong, but what?

He felt like he had slept for years and so he rummaged around his memories until...Harry!

Sirius immediately sat up with a start and opened his eyes...but there was nothing but pitch black darkness surrounding him. It crept up on him again; this familiar and yet terrifying feeling, boxing his chest and making him gasp for air frantically.

He reached out; trying to grab his wand, but everything his hands found was the soft fabric of a blanket...his blanket. He desperately looked around for the tiniest speck of light, then he felt it...the darkness got darker and the smell of tattered, mouldy robes and death reached his nostrils. He suddenly heard something to his right and gasped as he pressed himself against the headboard of his bed in panic.

"Sirius?!"

_Ben?!_

"B-Ben?" Sirius whispered anxiously, his voice hoarse and husky.

"Sirius! You're awake!" he heard Ben's excited voice and was suddenly blinded by the bright light of his wand.

Sirius was still shaking violently as Ben looked at him incredulously.

"You're awake!" repeated the Werewolf relieved.

"What...where's Harry?!" asked Sirius impatiently, ignoring his own trembling body.

"At Hogwarts...everything's all right, Sirius," replied Ben, trying to calm the confused Animagus down while he had a hard time stomaching his own shock.

"Remus? Tonks?" stammered Sirius as he tried to make out Ben's face through the blinding light of his Lumos-charm.

"Everyone's fine, Sirius, we're all alive. Calm down, everything's all right. How do you feel, does anything hurt?"

"I...no," replied Sirius utterly confused and tried to control his breathing again.

"I'll be back in a minute, okay? I have to inform Remus," said Ben hastily and turned to the door, taking the light with him and leaving Sirius in the dark again.

"I-" started Sirius.

"What?" asked Ben confused and worried as he turned around again; the soothing light returned.

"I won't run away...could...could you stay a little longer?" asked the Animagus sheepishly, hoping that Ben wouldn't notice his flushed cheeks in the dark.

"I...sure, if you want me to stay, I'll stay," replied Ben slightly confused and sat down in the armchair again, replacing the white, blinding light of his wand with the warm, yellow light of the little lamp.

_Could it be that Sirius was afraid of the dark?_

.

"Thanks," mumbled the Animagus hoarsely.

"Are you sure you're okay, Sirius?" asked Ben worriedly and touched his arm reassuringly without thinking about it.

His eyes widened as Sirius' gaze wandered to his hand lingering on his skin but the Animagus didn't show any signs of repulsion.

"Where's Remus?" Sirius asked instead.

"At St. Mungos. He's picking up Tonks, they should be here soon. Tonks was hit by a curse and the healers wanted to keep an eye on her for a few days. So was Remus, but they let him go home. Mad-Eye and Kingsley got one or two scratches, nothing serious. You've actually been our biggest problem. You've been sleeping...or in a coma...today's the third day. You were hit and fell...the veil brushed over you...we already thought..." explained Ben until he averted his gaze and got quiet; a heavy lump had formed in his throat.

"What about you?" asked Sirius unfamiliarly gentle and Ben looked up at him in surprise.

"What about me?" he asked confused.

"Well, your arm...are you all right?" asked Sirius smirking.

"Oh, that...yes, almost gone," he said and blushed. "We were awfully worried about you, Sirius...you have no idea how relieved Remus will be. And Harry...Remus spent every free minute by your side."

With a small smile on his lips, Ben nodded at Remus' papers on the table.

"He slept here and only left to visit Tonks while I kept an eye on you. It's good to have you back."

"I'm sorry I caused so much trouble," mumbled Sirius.

.

At St. Mungos Remus and Tonks had finally finished all the forms and were ready to go.

"Well then, let's go," sighed Remus, not knowing that a surprisingly conscious Sirius would be waiting for him.

He ran his hand through his hair and walked towards the door, feeling the old witch's glare in his back. He would have loved to just pull Tonks into his arms and kiss her right now...instead he just pulled the door handle down when Tonks' voice stopped him.

"Remus, wait," she said, sounding oddly cheerful.

And so he turned around, tilting his head curiously, and looked down at the pink-haired woman looking up at him with a beaming smile.

"What is it?" he asked smirking as he saw the twinkle in her eye.

"I'm just happy to go back home with you!" she replied and Remus froze.

_Home with you..._

An unpleasant shiver went down his spine. Now the old witch had gotten her last clue to put one and one together...But Remus didn't have the chance to think about it any longer because Tonks had already gotten on her tiptoes, wrapped her hands around his neck and was gently pressing her lips against his.

He almost drew back as he heard the old witch taking in a sharp, shocked breath but then his lips spread into a huge grin instead. His arms gently wrapped around her waist, pulling her closer, and he shyly kissed her back.

"Have a good one!" chirped Tonks as she waved at the old witch who stared back at her with her jaw dropped. Remus quickly pulled her out of the room.

"Why did you do that?" asked Remus nervously.

"Because this old crone was staring at us the whole time anyway. So why not give her a reason to stare, then?" replied Tonks winking and lifted her hand to stroke his stubbly cheek.

"Come on, let's go home," he said, failing to bite back a smile, and they walked down the corridor toward the foyer.

Remus loosened his grip on her hand again and stopped as she didn't let go of his hand in return.

"Dora, there are dozens of people who could see us," he said apologetically.

"So what? What will they see? A couple leaving the hospital hand in hand. Remus, I love you and I don't care how many people see us together. It's time we stop hiding," she said gently and pulled him into the foyer.

"We'll talk about this later..." he mumbled but she just grinned at him and stepped into one of the common fireplaces.

.

Ben perked up his ears when he suddenly heard muffled voices and footsteps from downstairs; a big smile appeared on his face as he looked at Sirius.

"Remus and Tonks are back. I should really go tell them you're awake," he said with a relieved sigh.

With happy anticipation filling his chest, Ben trotted down the stairs and into the kitchen where he found them, still holding hands.

"Ben?" asked Remus tensely as he noticed the huge smile on his face.

"He's awake and he's fine," replied Ben briefly and looked over at Tonks' beaming face.

"Thank Merlin," she whispered as Remus placed a kiss on her forehead, shot her an apologetic glance and left into the hallway.

"Good to have you back in one piece," said Ben grinning and spread his arms invitingly.

"Can't remember being quartered," chuckled Tonks and let him pull her into a big hug.

.

"Sirius?" asked Remus incredulous and overjoyed at the same time as he entered Sirius' room.

The Animagus was trying to stand up on his shaky legs, a crooked smile on his lips. Remus didn't wait any longer and pulled Sirius into a firm hug.

"Thank Merlin you're alive," he mumbled, still not releasing Sirius after a few moments.

"Remus, you're choking me," laughed Sirius although he was quite thankful for Remus' firm grip because he still felt very weak.

"Oh shut up, you git!" chuckled Remus, making no move to let go of him. Only a minute later, he released Sirius from his arms.

"I'm sorry," said Sirius with a crooked grin.

"Forget about it, I'm just glad you're back. Are you hungry?" asked Remus who couldn't stop smiling.

"Starving!" replied Sirius laughing.

If Remus had learnt one thing in all those years of friendship, then it was about Sirius' constantly hungry stomach...

.

When they entered the kitchen together, Tonks lunged herself at her cousin and wrapped her arms around his neck.

"Do you even know how much you scared us?" she laughed while one or two tears of joy ran down her cheeks.

"I'll be upstairs, taking a shower," mumbled Ben to Remus and left the room.

"There's still some chicken stock left...Molly made it for us yesterday," said Remus and tapped the stove with his wand.

With a tired smile on his lips he turned around again, leaning against the countertop with his arms folded in front of his chest.

"What else happened at the Ministry?" asked Sirius eventually and sat down with Tonks.

"What's the last thing you remember?" replied Remus.

"Well, Ben was injured...I protected Harry and something hit me...and then I woke up in my room," explained Sirius.

"Well then..." said Remus and started to explain...

.

When Ben entered the kitchen half an hour later he only found Sirius sitting at the table, browsing the Daily Prophet.

"Hey..." he said more sheepishly than intended. "Where did Tonks and Remus go?"

"Tonks is taking a shower and Remus went to bed after I finally convinced him of my vitality. You don't look too well-rested either," stated Sirius with a worried smile and disregarded the newspaper.

Ben just nodded silently and got himself a bowl of soup.

"Ben?" asked Sirius a few moments later and now it was him who sounded shy.

"Hmm?" hummed Ben, his mouth full with soup.

"I, well...Remus told me what you did..." said Sirius awkwardly.

"What do you mean?" asked Ben puzzled and put down his spoon.

"He told me that you pulled me out from under the veil...without you I'd probably be dead right now," explained Sirius and looked into his eyes.

Ben blushed a little and shrugged his shoulders.

"It's not a big deal," he mumbled and watched the noodles in his soup with great interest as he pushed them around with his spoon.

"Yes, it is...I owe you a lot. And..." began Sirius hesitantly, scratching the tabletop with his nails; Ben nodded at him reassuringly.

"I think it's about time we get certainty about, well...what happened. That's the least I can do to make it up to you, I guess," stammered Sirius with a nervous expression.

Ben slowly leant back in his chair, lightly tilting his head in a very canine manner.

"I think that would be good, yes...I'm afraid of what we might see, to be honest...I mean, if we really...then at least you'd have a reason to hate me," mumbled Ben and blushed as he kept his eyes locked on the table.

"I never hated you, Ben," said Sirius in a low voice and Ben's gaze shot up again. "I...I just couldn't cope with it...when I was young, I felt like I was in control of my life...there were dozens of girls admiring me, dying to get my attention. My future seemed so...open; all those opportunities waiting for me...and now? For the first time in my life, I'm considering to settle down and find a nice woman and the next morning I wake up next to a man...and to top it off, I destroy a friendship because I behave like a stupid asshole and don't have the balls to make up for it for half a year."

"I understand..." mumbled Ben smiling. "I guess we should ask Tonks for the pensieve then..."


	6. light and shadow

**Hey there everyone! *group hug***

**I hope you all had a wonderful week! The sun is shining outside my window and I'm happy to be back with a new chapter for you. :3**

**I think it's time for another big thank you to you guys! Thanks for everyone who reads this story and a special thank you to all of you who review and give me feedback! You're the reason I'm still writing this and I'm really thankful because this story means a lot to me! :) So here's to you! *raises hot chocolate mug***

**This chap contains something many of you have been waiting for for a while now. It reveals what happened in the night of New Year's Eve. Oooooh! ;) **

**But it's also marks the beginning of a less happy, dark part of this story. Don't worry, there'll be some good friendship-stuff in it to balance it. And eventually there'll me more happy chaps again, so think twice before you throw your mugs at me ;) **

**Today I have two different fanfiction-suggestions for you, they're both oneshots. One of them is very innocent Sirius/Remus, but since I know that some of you can't stand this pairing I found something else as an alternative. **

**suggestion #1 (slash): "The Mad Flasher of Muggle-London" by Marauder**

**suggestion #2 (non-slash; starring Tonks): "Here comes the sun" by pleione-x**

**I hope you enjoy the chapter! You'll make my day if you leave a review and tell me how you liked it :)**

***preparing hot chocolate and home-made muffins***

**xo PablosGirl**

Aereal: Thank you for your feedback, I'm glad you liked it! Enjoy the chap! :)

JKStorm501: The waiting has come to an end ;) this chap will finally reveal what happened between Sirius and Ben...or what didn't happen. Aw, thank you, I'll definitely tell Pablo, this will boost his ego :) Thank you very much for your review, I hope you like this chapter as well. It foreshadows some of the less happy things in this story. Enjoy! :)

klainebows101: Well...don't be too excited about Sirius and Ben, there's still a lot ahead of them...Damnit, I don't want to spoil too much, unless I would have told you that you shouldn't be too optimistic about Remus and Tonks either...whoopsie, now I said it ;) Thank you very much for your feedback, I always appreciate it! Enjoy the chap! :3

danadanaBATMAN: Yay, thank you so much for your feedback! I'm glad you liked it :) By the way, I think that Woody Harrelson was a great choice for the role of Haymitch! And I really liked the Panem movies. Compared to other film versions I think that they represent the books very well...*cough cough* unlike the Harry Potter movies*cough cough* Anyway...I hope you enjoy the chap!

MOEWE: Thank you once again for this great review! :) I'm glad you liked the chap! I loved your little old-witch-in-hospital-bed-monologue :) Now the cute image of a chubby little seagull is stuck in my head! Thank you very much for the soup! :) There's nothing better than a hot soup during winter! Enjoy the chap!

f3y-chan: Thank you very much for both reviews! I hope you won't be as confused after this chapter because there's much more hubbub ahead of us :) Enjoy!

* * *

It had been almost two weeks since Sirius had woken up from his strange coma. The children had spent the last days of their school year in Hogwarts and so Harry was even more disappointed when Sirius told him that he'd have to return to his detested relatives for a while.

Now that Hogwarts was Umbridge-free again, he was looking forward to a normal sixth year...but then again, how "normal" could it be for Harry Potter, the boy who lived? From now on others would have to grapple with her again; she could concentrate her whole time and energy on her radical politics again.

There was no single issue of the Daily Prophet without at least one article about her plans to reform the Werewolf legislations. She wouldn't rest until even the last one of "these dangerous beasts" on British soil was monitored and marked.

It was an open secret that the Ministry had recruited Remus and so he could easily count every statement and threat as a declaration of war towards himself. Kingsley may have kept his word and defended his decision toward any critics. But this couldn't keep Remus from feeling those piercing glares in his back...and he felt like they were increasing with each day.

Not to mention the times when he walked down a corridor with Tonks to talk about some case or record. She was cheerful and joking as always whereas he always felt like something was choking him. He arrived and left at different times, wore a perfect collegial poker face whenever they talked and even avoided something as innocent as a "see you later" at all cost.

Times were hard on him and the wall he had naively built around his self-confidence started to form cracks...Every article about Umbridge, every comment, every suspicious look was like acid rain, corroding the already labile cement.

.

Sirius, however, was fighting his nervousness and anxiety since he and Ben had agreed on a day to eventually find out the truth...

Ben...he already owed him so much. He had forgiven him for all the shit he had done after New Year's Eve. Let alone that Sirius would probably have fallen through the veil without him...he would be dead without him.

A cold chill went down Sirius' spine at the thought of it. He quickly jumped up from his chair to make some tea. Ben would be there in less than half an hour and they'd dare to take a look into the pensieve.

"I'm off, Sirius. I'll probably be home late," said Remus as his head popped into the kitchen door.

"All right. Anything I should tell Tonks when she comes home?" replied the Animagus and watched his best friend's unreadable expression.

"No," said Remus briefly and disappeared.

_Strange...,_ thought Sirius but his tension quickly forced his thoughts away from Remus' peculiar behaviour.

The Werewolf had often been nervous and tight-lipped as he left the house these days and he always returned looking even more tired and stressed out.

Sirius had been leaning against the kitchen counter lost in thought, pouring spoon after spoon of sugar into his tea. Then suddenly, he heard the front door click and looked up at the clock. How long had he been standing there? Half an hour?!

And so he quickly took a sip of his merely lukewarm tea, immediately screwing up his face in disgust as the sugary liquid met his tongue.

"Ugh..." he mumbled und poured his tea into the sink.

.

"Hey!" sounded a shy voice from the door and Sirius spun around. Ben was standing in the kitchen door, his hands buried in his pockets and a sheepish smile on his lips.

"Hey," mumbled Sirius back and blushed as a smile spread across his face as well.

He hadn't seen Ben since the last Order meeting and he was just glad to see him...

"Is Remus at work?" asked Ben with a hint of tension in his voice.

"Err, yes," replied Sirius.

"He...didn't say anything, did he?" asked Ben hesitantly as a frown replaced his smile.

"No...why? What's wrong?" asked Sirius confused.

"Oh, nothing, not important...so...should we get going...I mean, with the pensieve," stammered Ben helplessly.

Only now Sirius noticed that Ben was at least as nervous as he himself. A sudden warmth flooded Sirius' chest, but he didn't care to wrack his brain about it right now...

"Sure...Tonks left it in the living-room," mumbled Sirius, trying to smile as relaxed as possible...it must've looked awful.

And so they slowly walked into said room where a shallow stone bowl, filled with a strange, foggy, silver fluid, was already waiting for them.

"Ready?" asked Sirius and exhaled deeply.

"Ready when you are," replied Ben but it sounded strangely hollow.

"Well then..." mumbled Sirius and stepped closer to the pensieve.

Ben, however, wasn't moving; he was just standing there, staring at the pensieve in silence.

"Ben?" asked Sirius, but the Werewolf's eyes didn't move.

"What if we really see something else..." whispered Ben and Sirius understood.

"Listen, I won't blame you for anything we...did. I don't think we'll see anything like that, but even if...No matter what we'll find, you won't lose anything, okay?" tried Sirius to calm him down.

"You won't hate me?" asked Ben.

"No."

"Promise me," said Ben and he suddenly seemed incredibly small and vulnerable as his eyes met Sirius'.

"I promise," replied Sirius smiling and motioned him to come closer.

.

At the Ministry, Remus was sitting over a huge pile of records and papers.

His head was buzzing; he smelled the ink on the parchment, heard the hum of voices from the Aurors' office next door...a single, cheerful female voice under all those deep, manly ones.

He screwed up his eyes and shook his head violently, but the thoughts wouldn't leave his mind...His quill landed on his desk in a desperate toss and Remus buried his face in his hands; his scarred fingers ran through his hair and clenched it in the back of his head as his chin fell onto his chest.

Someone knocked and entered, but Remus still didn't look up. Maybe it was insane, but at that moment, Remus just hoped for whoever it was to just turn around and leave again.

"Are you alright, Remus?" asked Kingsley worried.

Remus nodded.

"Sure? If it's because of-"

"I'm fine, okay?!" interrupted Remus and looked up; an amber haze flashed his eyes as he glared at Kingsley.

It took him a few seconds to realize what he had done.

"I'm sorry, Kingsley...I didn't mean it. Just...just put the papers over there, okay? I'll work some extra hours today, anyway," mumbled Remus, looking like a guilty puppy.

"It's okay, don't worry about it," replied Kingsley calmly; he knew how testy Remus could be around full-moon and so he didn't press any further.

When the door fell shut behind Kingsley, Remus sank back in his chair, rubbing his face with his hand.

Great...

He hated it; this and all the other crap as well...He'd loved nothing more than to leave; just stand up from his desk and run away, no matter where. Just leave, disappear and never surface again...simply vanish without a trace. But his wonderful daydream was quickly interrupted by the sound of two voices in front of his office...

.

Sirius and Ben bent down over the silver substance and suddenly something pulled them head first into the pensieve; they ended up in the same room again. But now the coffee table was loaded with snacks, half-empty champagne glasses and dozens of bottles. The two armchairs were occupied by drunken, giggling versions of themself*.

Ben gave him a shy smile as they slowly approached the past-selves were slurring and laughing.

"Dontcha think we should go sleeeep?" suggested the past-Ben after a few moments.

"Yeaaaah, maybe you' right...Moonsie will be angry if I get pissed..." slurred past-Sirius and rose from his seat.

"You _are_ completely pissed, Siriusss!" giggled past-Ben and past-Sirius immediately joined in.

With slightly redder cheeks, Ben and Sirius followed their drunken selves into the hallway where past-Ben slung his arm around past-Sirius' shoulder after he had crashed into the wall.

"'anks, Ben...you' really a fine chap!" slurred past-Sirius as he waved his hand around in front of his face.

"Stop talkin' dragonshit!" laughed past-Ben and they stumbled up the stairs.

With every step bringing them closer to Sirius' room, Ben and Sirius tensed up more and more.

"Here we are, Monsieur," giggled past-Ben and bowed down ridiculously as he dropped Sirius off in his room. "I wish a wonderful sleep."

He grinned and made a silly curtsey; but as he turned around to leave, past-Sirius held him back. Ben's eyes widened as he watched his drunken self turn around to the past-Sirius. He may have been drunk, but at that moment past-Sirius just stood there frozen with his eyes wide open, hectically scanning the room around him. Suddenly Sirius tensed up as well...he had prepared himself for many things, but not for this.

Wasn't all this already embarrassing enough?

"Ben? Wouldyou stay awhile?" slurred past-Sirius and quickly turned the small lamp on his bedside table on; he immediately relaxed as the warm light illuminated the room.

"Why?" asked past-Ben puzzled as he stepped closer.

"I...it's pretty cold here and your room probably, too...also..."

But past-Sirius didn't have to think of anything else to say because past-Ben had already shrugged his shoulders and walked into his room.

Ben quickly grabbed Sirius' arm and dragged the pale Animagus behind him into the room before past-Ben could close the door.

"We wanted certainty...that's the only way," said Ben and let go of Sirius again.

"An' now?" mumbled past-Ben, hesitantly standing in the middle of the room.

But past-Sirius just shrugged his shoulders and started to undress. Now that the darkness had vanished, the alcohol had swallowed the last bit of clear mind again. Past-Ben was too tired to think about it and just followed the evening routine as well, but unlike Sirius he kept his boxer shorts and socks on.

To Sirius' relief, Ben had turned away discreetly when past-Sirius had shed even the last piece of fabric and slipped under the blanket.

"Do you always...sleep naked?" asked Ben once he dared to look back and immediately regretted his question.

"No...but I used to do that...when I was young...but I guess I come back to it when I'm drunk sometimes, I don't know," mumbled Sirius and Ben could almost _hear _his cheeks blushing.

Past-Ben was still standing in front of the bed in which past-Sirius had shifted over to the wall-side.

"Isit actually true that it gets warmer much faster if you lie next to each other naked?" mumbled past-Ben awkwardly and scratched the back of his head with a big yawn.

"I read that once..." slurred past-Sirius into his blanket, unaware of what their alcohol-logic would lead to in the morning.

"Hmm..." mumbled past-Ben, hesitated a few seconds and eventually took off the rest of his clothes as well and crawled under the second blanket.

Now it was Sirius' turn to look away but when he dared to turn his head again, he was surprised. Their drunken selves weren't cuddling or even worse, no...they were innocently lying on either side of the wide bed, at least half a metre separating them.

"Sirius...can I turn off the light now?" mumbled past-Ben sleepily into the silence.

"Does it bother you?" mumbled past-Sirius back.

"Sirius?"

"Hmm?"

"Are you afraid of the dark?"

Silence...only the quiet rustling of the blanket could be heard. Both, Ben and Sirius and their drunken copies in the bed, had frozen.

"I...yes...because of Azkaban and-" stammered past-Sirius embarrassed and looked up at the ceiling but past-Ben quickly interrupted him again.

"Oh, okay. I'll leave it on then," replied past-Ben simply, rolled onto his side and closed his eyes.

Past-Sirius stared at his back for a few second, an incredulous but grateful expression on his face, before he rolled up into a ball.

Ben didn't look at Sirius because he knew how uncomfortable all this must have made him.

"I guess we can go, what do you think?" asked the Werewolf with quiet relief laced into his low voice.

"No...not yet," mumbled Sirius as the scenery blurred in front of their eyes. When it cleared up again, the first rays of sunlight were shining through the gap between the curtains.

"Why do you want to see this, Sirius? Nothing happened, everything's fine," asked Ben confused.

"I want to see it from another perspective...from outside...I've always been too quick in my reactions, don't think about what I say," replied Sirius pensively and pointed his head at the bed in which past-Sirius started to move again.

He seemed to wake up, touched Ben's arm and opened his eyes in confusion.

The whole scene was played over again in front of their eyes. And now that Sirius knew that nothing had happened between them and _why_ Ben had been with him in the first place, he felt even worse about it.

Ben, however, only bit his lower lip in embarrassment.

A few minutes later they were back in the tidy living-room of number 12; a warm, pleasant fire was crackling behind them in the fireplace.

.

They both sighed and looked up at each other, a sheepish smile playing on their lips.

"Ben...I'm-" said Sirius as he slumped down onto the sofa.

But Ben lifted his hand, motioning him to stop.

"You already apologized, Sirius, it's okay," said Ben smiling.

"I've been a huge asshole," replied Sirius with a shy grin.

"Yep," said Ben and a small grin crept onto his lips as well. "The most important thing is that nothing happened...so now everything can finally go back to normal."

"You have no idea how embarrassing this was..." mumbled Sirius suddenly bitter.

"You mean your fear of the dark?" asked Ben softly.

Sirius blushed immediately and looked down on his hands lying in his lap.

"You experienced horrible things, Sirius. You've got all the reason in the world to be afraid in the dark," said Ben encouraging.

"I need a light to fall asleep like a small child, for fuck's sake," grumbled Sirius but Ben knew that it wasn't directed at him.

"Everyone's got their flaws...that's nothing to be ashamed of," said Ben and this time he was more successful.

"Please don't tell Remus, okay?" said Sirius sheepishly.

"Why do you think I'd just tell him about that, Sirius?" asked Ben a little bit disappointed and turned his head so he could look at him. "Apart from this I'm sure he'd be just as understanding about it as I am. And to be honest, I think he has already known for a while, Sirius."

"What do you mean?" asked the Animagus.

"Well, when you...were in this coma after the fight. He stayed with you for hours...all day and all night long, actually. He looked after you and every time he left the room or when I took his place, he made sure that the lamp was still on. I stupidly turned it off shortly before you came back...I'm sorry."

"Don't worry about that..." mumbled Sirius and looked down on his hands again, a sheepish smile on his lips.

"Sirius?" asked Ben eventually and the nervous tone in his voice made Sirius look up again. "Can I ask you something?"

"Sure," mumbled Sirius and tilted his head curiously.

"When you received Remus' Patronus back at my place...when we were talking...I wanted to know something from you, remember?" asked Ben hesitantly.

Ben had thought about it every day since the battle at the Ministry and yet he was nervous about Sirius' reaction. If it were neutral, he'd be hurt; he knew it, no matter how much he tried to deny it. But then again, anything else would only bring him back to even more musing and headache.

"Just ask," encouraged Sirius smiling.

_What could be bothering him so much?_

"Why did you come to see me? I mean, I know that you wanted to apologize, that's not the point...after all these months...why didn't you just keep it going the way it was?" asked Ben, holding his breath as he waited for Sirius' answer.

"Because I missed you...that's why. You're really a fine chap, Ben. Now that I've seen what happened that night, I'm even more convinced of it. And I just missed having you around. I realized pretty quickly that I had been unfair. But it took me a while to figure out that something was missing whenever I sat in the living room with Tonks and Remus...to be honest..._I_ was missing something," explained Sirius with a crooked smile.

Ben's cheeks turned bright red and as he noticed it the shade got even darker.

"That's...nice to hear...that I've been missed. I missed you, too, Sirius," replied Ben sheepishly and Sirius' smile spread into a grin.

"Don't you dare laugh at me for this!" said Ben, trying to keep a straight face but eventually he started to chuckle as well.

"Wait a minute, I just remembered something. I still have that shirt you left here back then," said Sirius and stood up to get it from upstairs.

"I knew I hadn't lost it," said Ben smirking.

.

When Sirius entered his room and his hand reached for his wardrobe, he suddenly stopped as something else caught his attention. The Daily Prophet was lying in the middle of his bed.

_When did I leave this here? Wait a second...I haven't even touched a newspaper today!_

He scanned the thick headline from the distance and his hand dropped from the wardrobe door, hanging limply by his side.

_Umbridge's Werewolf-Promise_

Sirius quickly walked over to his bed, grabbed the newspaper and skimmed the attached article. A disgustingly lifelike picture of Umbridge smiled up at him before she obviously turned to her audience again.

"Sirius?" sounded Ben's voice from the door behind him, making Sirius flinch. "Is everything all right? Took you quite long for quickly fetching a shirt..."

But when Ben's eyes found the newspaper in his hands, all the colour vanished from his face and he fell silent.

"Remus must've left this here," said Sirius hollowly.

"Probably...that's why I asked earlier," said Ben quietly and clenched his teeth.

"It says-"

"I know. It says that Umbridge won't rest until every single one of 'these beast' is tattooed and filed...that she'll do everything to keep these files the only thing in the Ministry with a Werewolf's name on it...that anyone who bothers with one of those criminal, dangerous beings will automatically be suspected and monitored...that any private contact will have consequences. Yes, Sirius...I know what it says," said Ben bitterly as he stared into the Animagus' eyes.

"He won't want to put her in jeopardy, Ben! This article is exactly what Remus was scared of when he fell in love with Tonks. He won't allow it..." said Sirius powerlessly.

"I know..."

.

Back at the Ministry, Remus tried to arrange his thoughts but those endlessly tattering women in front of his office didn't make it any easier.

"That's the office of this Werewolf, isn't it? Lupin, right?" said one muffled voice, shattering his last attempt to concentrate on the papers in front of him.

"Yes, it's strange they recruited him, right? Especially at the moment," replied another voice.

"They bring the danger right into their own walls and there's nothing we can do about it. The best thing is to keep clear of him...Umbridge's right, they belong in a registry or cells, not in a Ministry office. Who knows how many children he already kidnapped? Oh, those poor things, but now they're beyond help."

"You really think that he's like that? He did catch this Pettigrew guy after all..."

"Yeah, so? Ambushing people in the dark...Lucius Malfoy can count his blessings he got out of it alive. It was better for him to clear off. To me this sounds anything but heroic. And what did get into Shacklebolt anyway? Employing one of this bunch to control them! That's madness! They can easily hide their plans from the Ministry like that!"

"Hmm, maybe. But if Shacklebolt trusts him then there's probably a reason for it."

Hearing those things wasn't as shocking for Remus as one might have thought...he was used to it thanks to the Daily Prophet...but then he heard something which filled his chest with an ice-cold sensation, choking him as he listened.

"Just because they're dangerous doesn't mean they're dumb, my dear! What if he fooled Shacklebolt? Maybe he used the Imperius on him. Shacklebolt aside...this one female Auror, what's her name again?"

"Tonks."

"Ah, yes, exactly...don't you think that she's way too friendly with him? Smiling at him all the time, laughing...touching his arm. She's definitely flirting with him!"

"Oh come on, don't be silly! She knows about the possible consequences."

"Yes, maybe, but anyway. Look at her! Pink hair, short skirts, bright clothes...it literally screams 'here I am!' and she walks into his office all the time. Well, if you'd ask me, she's a bit sluttish. That's not how you dress for work! She's literally chumming up and eventually she'll be surprised when he just forces himself on her in some dark corner, or what?"

"Oh, Berta, stop it! She's such a nice girl. Has she ever been unfriendly to you? See! Then stop talking about her like that!"

"Okay, okay, I'll shut up. I'm just saying...she's young and doesn't know better. But just imagine they'd be involved with each other! An Auror and a Werewolf...that's just...No, I just hope she's not into that kind of stuff...Merlin, those are magical creatures!"

"Oh, Berta...pssst, I hear somebody."

"Hello everyone!" chirped an all too familiar, happy voice in the corridor, slowly approaching Remus' door.

It made his hair stand on end and he just wanted to disappear, just disapparate, just forget all the things this bloody old trout had said about his Dora...and forget about the inevitable decision this day had brought for him...

The witches seemed to walk away as his office door opened after a short knock.

"Hey!" said Tonks with a friendly smile, balancing the pile of records on her arms.

Remus felt like someone had just emptied a bucket of ice water over his head.

"Hello," he pressed and looked up at her.

She hesitantly approached his desk and carefully placed the records on it.

"Kingsley said these had to be reviewed because of all the new reports. They're still left from Palmer. I'll go home now. Kingsley said you'd make some extra hours today?" said Tonks, trying to sound as casually as possible but his behaviour confused her too much.

"Yes. Enjoy your evening," he said emotionlessly, took his quill and grabbed the first document ha could reach to look busy.

"Okay...thanks," she replied.

The hurt tone in her voice caused a painful, physical sting in his chest so he looked up again.

"Tonks!" he called.

"Yes?" asked Tonks and her head appeared in the door again.

He swallowed; his throat was suddenly dry...

Her pink hair was bound in a ponytail and a few wavy strand of her fringe fell into her face.

_Anything, just anything you idiot! So she'll understand when she leaves...when you leave._

"Nothing, sorry..." he said powerlessly and dropped his gaze back onto his papers while the door slowly snapped shut with a quiet clicking sound.

* * *

* I'm still not sure about this one: should it be "themself" or "themselves"? Go ahead and enlighten me! :)

PS: No, this old, nasty witch Berta is not supposed to be the old witch from the hospital ;)


	7. Say that you don't love me!

**Good morning everyone! *group hug***

**Okay, okay, it's already 12 o'clock, but this still counts as "morning" on a Sunday, right? Good. :) **

**Thank you all very much for your reviews to your last chapter and for your help with my little themselves-themself-dilemma. First I had written "themselves" but when I reread it I thought, "naaah, sounds strange". Well, brain, "themself" wasn't the best plan-B either...anyway, I'll try to correct it as soon as I can. **

**Moving right along...**

**This chapter is really not the happiest one and you might hate Remus a teeny-tiny little bit afterwards; I'm really curious for your reactions though :) And you may see a little different side of Ben from now on. But don't worry, just look at the title of this story ;) **

**Today I have again two fanfiction suggestions for you because one of them is ****really**** short. They're both oneshots and they both fetaure some hot chocolate...perfect :) **

**#1: "like adults" by PunkPinkPower. A small, cute oneshot about Remus and Sirius. No slash, just friendship! **

**#2: "Mischief Managed Christmas Edition" by MsTonksLupin. A rather long oneshot about Sirius' plan to hook Remus and Tonks up with each other...with the help of the Weasley twins. I know, Christmas is over, but it's got some interesting POV-changes and the jokes really balance the holiday fluff. **

**That's it for today! Enjoy you lazy Sunday and enjoy the chapter! *arranging hot tea cups and freshly made cookies***

**xo PablosGirl**

**PS: Sorry for the long review-reply section this time! I just couldn't stop myself from rambling today ;)**

JKStorm501: Thank you very much for your review, I'm glad you liked it. Yeah, you're right, this would've been extremely awkward but there'll be some awkwardness in the future, I won't just let them get away like that ;) Enjoy the chap!

MOEWE: Thank you very much for the great review! I'm glad you enjoyed the last chap! Yes, you're right, that sort of hateful gossip is often the basis for discrimination of any kind. I found it really interesting, that JK Rowling once said that "Remus Lupin's characterisation and history are H.I.V. metaphors" (Harry Potter wikia; article on Remus Lupin). He faces a similar kind of discrimination and suffers from the effects of his illness (fear of infecting others...). Anyway, thank you, I'm glad I managed to depict this discussion between evil Berta and her less evil friend ;) I've never read this before and I never thought of this myself: Umbitch...that's hilarious :D "sad fundamental talks"? Yep, probably. Writing the two drunken guys' dialogue was one of the most difficult parts of this chapter. It's much easier to express this change in speech in your own mother-language ;) But I love the idea of your daughter being used to you reading fanfiction with such passion :) Ah, scrubs *sighs* I still cry everytime I see this scene with "the book of love" by Peter Gabriel. The one where JD sees his future with Elliot like a film...I'm glad you enjoyed "biscuits" :) I hope you enjoy this chap as well!

danadanaBATMAN: Yes, I know what you mean. But I think that it's not because of Natalia Tena herself, but the way they depicted Tonks in the films...violet, shoulder long hair instead of short, spiky pink hair. I mean they could have at least given her some cool, short hair cut and dye it light pink or something...well. But what annoys me the most is the way they treated Remus and Tonks' relationship. I've been waiting for this awesome hospital-wing scene because there's just so much happening in it...and then they just suddenly walk into a room and greet each other with "Hello darling!" I was like "wuuuut?!". Let alone the explosion of the burrow in the next scene...ugh. You see, I'm not a fan of the movies. I know it's really hard to satisfy fans of any book with a film. But I think Lord of the Rings did a pretty good job and so did Hunger Games. I was just dispappointed with the choice of focus in most of the films. Anyway, I'm rambling...Thank you very much for your feedback! :) And yes, Remus has to ruin everything (always keep the title in the back of your head) again. But you'll see! ;) Enjoy the chap!

remusdora: Thank you for your feedback, I'm glad you enjoyed the hospital scene and Sirius' awakening :) Great, now I reminded myself of "Link's awakening" and now I'm imagining Sirius in a green Toga and fully armored with bombs and a sword and chickens running after him ;) Enjoy the chap!

klainebows101: Too lazy to log in...ts, ts, ts ;) Thank you very much, I'm glad you liked it! I'm afraid the next few chaps will be less happy and more focused on action/suspense/fear. At least I hope I so ;) Don't be embarassed about that! I'm convinced that fear of the dark is one of the most natural and rational fears. I'm phobic about vomiting, that's irrational! But I'm a scaredy-pants in general ;) I don't watch horror movies and there's always this split second when I close the mirror-doors of the bathroom-cupboard when I'm afraid that there's suddenly someone or something standing behind me...the typical horror-movie moment. Aaaaanyway...enjoy the chap! :3

Aereal: Thank you for your grammar help as well! :) Does this count as grammar? Anyway...I hope you enjoy the chap! :)

* * *

"We have to stop him, Ben! There must be something we can do to get this out of his mind!" said Sirius desperately as he stared out of the window, the Daily Prophet crumpled up in his fist.

But Ben remained silent.

When Sirius turned around, the Werewolf was staring down on the floor; in contrast to his clenched fists, Ben's hands were hanging limply by his sides.

"Ben!"

The young man slowly lifted his head until their eyes met.

"I don't know," he said quietly.

"What?!"

"Sirius..."

"No, no 'Sirius'! I know exactly what Remus is up to! But he can't do that, he just can't break her heart like that, Ben!" yelled Sirius.

"What do you think he'll prefer? Break her heart and his own with it or destroy her life? It could cost her job, her reputation, bloody everything!" replied Ben and for a split second Sirius felt like he was talking to Remus.

"It would already be enough to be friends with him, Ben! So why bother if they're a couple on top of it?" said Sirius.

"Are you sure you _know_ what he's up to? I'm afraid you don't, Sirius."

"Ben...when it comes to Umbridge's opinion I'm making myself a stooge of evil right now because I'm bloody talking to you! That's insane!"

"I know, Sirius...I'll talk to him, but I can also understand him. Just think about what he did during the trial! What he let them do to him!" replied Ben and suddenly turned his head as he heard the front door from downstairs.

"Let's...let's just wait until he comes home, okay?" suggested Sirius, chucked the newspaper on the ground and left the room with Ben.

.

"There you are!" greeted Tonks smiling as they entered the kitchen, but there was something odd about her smile...

"How was work? Remus still at the office?" asked Ben as casually as possible.

"As always and yes, he wanted to make some extra hours or something like that, I don't know..." she said, stirring her tea.

"Are you alright?" asked Sirius and crossed his arms in front of his chest.

"Well...he was strange...Kingsley said so, too...he was completely absentminded, all at sea. I'm starting to worry about him, you know. Anyway, how about you two? I mean, you seem pretty comfortable standing next to each other. So no nasty surprises, hm?" said Tonks smirking.

"Yeah, you could say so..." said Sirius and leant back against the counter as he smirked at Ben.

"We were drunk...last bit of clear mind drowned in alcohol," explained Ben quickly.

"Good, good..." Tonks said smiling but it quickly faded and she stared into her cup again.

Ben and Sirius exchanged a meaningful look.

"Tonks, coz, come here," said Sirius seriously so Tonks immediately looked up again with a puzzled frown on her face. "You didn't read the Daily Prophet today, did you?"

"No, why?" she replied and looked at Sirius, who had stepped closer to her.

"Well...Umbridge gave pretty much all she had left in her hate repertoire today. The whole Werewolf-thing..." explained Sirius as he wrapped an arm around her shoulder.

"She said some pretty bad stuff. Hard to digest if you're already struggling with what you are...and especially if you're risking to destroy the life of those you love..." whispered Ben and pointedly stepped further away from them to lean against the wall.

"Ben?" asked Tonks confused as she saw his serious expression. "Is this why Remus behaved that way?"

"Maybe," said Sirius.

"Most probably," corrected Ben bitterly.

"Let's just wait until he comes home, okay? You look tired, Tonks. How about you go and get some sleep until then?" said Sirius gently and led her to the door.

"What was that for?" hissed Sirius as soon as Tonks was out of earshot.

"What was _what_ for?" replied Ben. "Should we just act like everything's fine until Remus comes home and drops his bombshell? If he comes home at all!"

"Who says he's going to do something like that at all? Maybe he's smarter by now!" yelled Sirius.

"Smarter? This has nothing to do with 'smarter', Sirius! There's nothing to sugarcoat about it! I thought you've known him long enough to predict his reaction to this article! I...I have to go. I'll see you at the meeting on Saturday. See you then," said Ben angrily and disappeared, leaving behind an utterly confused Sirius.

.

When Remus finally left his office it was already past ten at night.

The Ministry's corridors and foyer seemed much bigger now that they were deserted and dark. Every footstep echoed from the dark stone floor as he walked past the golden fountain. Witches and Wizards looking over the inferior magical beings...He sighed and threw some floo poweder into one of the fireplaces and flooed back to number 12.

The kitchen was just as dark and empty as the Ministry. The only thing on the table was the Daily Prophet with Umbridge on the front page, speaking to her invisible audience. He fought the inner urge to punch something and walked up the stairs instead. Keeping his eyes averted, he walked past Tonks' room and entered his own instead. But he wouldn't stay here very long either...

He randomly packed some stuff, dropped the bag onto his chair and went to the bathroom to take a shower. When the warm water ran down his face he finally gave in to his despair and gave way to the tears mingling with the water.

It was okay, he was about to destroy his life, to break her heart...still better than to destroy her future and expose her to the hungry haters. When he stepped out of the shower he was just as tired as before. A little note on the kitchen table was everything he left before he grabbed his bag and wand, stepped out of the front door to disapparate.

.

The old wooden planks creaked under his weight as he appeared in the old hut with a loud "plop". He heavy-heartedly made his way through the dark and empty alleys of Hogsmeade and disappeared into the darkness of the forest unnoticed. After about fifteen minutes he spotted the camp fire between the ebony tree trunks.

"Who is there?" asked one of the two men keeping watch and pointed his wand in his direction.

"It's me," replied Remus briefly as he stepped out from behind the trees and dropped his bag from his shoulder.

"What are you doing here?" asked the man honestly surprised. "I thought you wouldn't come until in a few days."

"Change of plan," mumbled Remus and stepped past them into one of the magic tents. "Is this one taken?"

"No...are you sure you're alright?" asked one of the men as Remus tossed his bag behind the curtain separating his room from the main room of the tent.

Remus huffed.

"Nothing's alright, Carl..." growled Remus, got the Daily Prophet from his coat pocket and threw it to him.

"I understand," mumbled the Werewolf and nodded as he handed the newspaper back to Remus.

"Good to know," growled Remus and disappeared into his room.

.

When Sirius stumbled sleepily into the kitchen the next morning, he immediately noticed the note on the table. A strange tingle went down his spine as he recognized his friend's handwriting. With a long, knowing smile he took the parchment and started to read.

_As you've probably noticed, I'm not at home._

_I had to leave; I am with the Werewolves. _

_I'm sorry I left in such a hurry, but I had no choice._

_I don't know when I'll be back; we'll see each other at the next meeting._

_Remus. _

Sirius had secretly known that this was going to happen. He suppressed the thoughts about the consequences and made himself a strong coffee first. He already feared the moment he would have to tell Tonks that Remus had bolted, when he suddenly noticed something behind his back. Tonks was standing in the kitchen door. Her forehead was covered in worry lines as she looked into his eyes.

"He's not here," she said.

"I know...he's with the Werewolves. Doesn't know when he's going to be back," mumbled Sirius.

Silence.

"He wants to avoid me..." she whispered.

"I'm afraid, yes," replied Sirius and looked down into his coffee.

.

And so the days went by, the moon got fuller until it was time again...

Tonks was sitting on the window sill in her room and looked out into the relentlessly clear night sky while tears streamed down her face. Her thoughts were constantly circling around Remus. She thought about him when she was at work, she thought about him when she helped Molly in the kitchen and burnt her hand and she thought about him when she was in the shower, letting the water run down her body as she lost track of time.

The nagging combination of fear, incomprehension and anger was constantly preying on her mind.

What if something happened to him?

Why did he just leave? What was she supposed to think about it?

And what did she do to deserve this? Why did this bloody bullhead have to drop her at the slightest obstacle? After all this time she had fought for him! After all those happy months they had spent together...waiting for the war to step over their threshold and yet happy.

The anger started to boil in her chest until an image crept itself into her mind.

A dark forest, only dimly illuminated by the moon's silver light...and then she heard it...cracking bones, stifled cries of pain...

Tonks clenched her fists and pressed her eyes shut.

How often had she already gone through this emotional rollercoaster during the last days?

"Tonks?"

The young woman flinched and looked at the door; Sirius was standing there, watching her with worry-filled eyes.

"Come in," she mumbled and looked back into the night sky.

He had tried to cheer her up so many times...it was futile.

And Ben couldn't tell her more than that Remus hadn't said anything about his return to number 12 yet. Except for a gentle squeeze of her shoulder, this was all he had to offer her; all under the watchful eyes of Sirius.

"Stargazing?" asked Sirius and stepped next to her.

"No," she replied.

"I know..." he sighed. "Tonks, he-"

"He'll come back, he'll realize his mistake, he just has to, he's a bloody die-hard. I know, Sirius, you already told me several times..." she said tiredly and the tears started to fill her eyes again.

"Come here," he said, spread his arms and Tonks climbed from the window sill to gratefully lose herself in his embrace.

"I just can't understand it, Sirius..." she sobbed into his chest.

"I know, coz, I know," he replied and gently rubbed her back in big circles.

"Do you think he doesn't love me anymore?" she sniffed and bit her lip as she looked up at him so she wouldn't break out in tears again.

"What? Come here, listen to me," he said and steered her onto her bed where he sat down in front of her. "He still loves you, just as much as ever. Unless he would be here right now, Tonks...well, maybe not today, but you know what I mean. I've known him long enough to know what makes him tick...unfortunately. If he didn't love you anymore, he would've already told you. Remus is not the type of guy who keeps kissing you and falls asleep by your side each night and, well...sleeps _with_ you. He would never use you. Others have always been more important to him than his own happiness and that's not always a blessing...you're experiencing it firsthand. I can understand his fears but you're already keeping it a secret, so what about it? We're walking straight up to war...every last bit of luck and happiness is priceless. And I'll do anything to make him realize that, coz...for you and for him!"

"Thank you..." she mumbled and a small smile appeared on her lips before she turned away to blow her nose in a rather unladylike fashion.

.

Even the days between full-moon and the weekend passed without a single sign of life from the two Werewolves. And so Sirius and Tonks were all the more nervous, when the next Order meeting started on Saturday. The kitchen slowly filled with people; Kingsley, Snape, Mad-Eye, Hestia, Molly and Arthur, Dumbledore and McGonagall...

Dumbledore cleared his throat to start the meeting and Tonks gave up hope for seeing Remus today, when suddenly the front door opened and closed with a loud noise.

DISGUSTING MONSTERS DISGRACING MY HOUSE! HOW DARE YOU SMIRCH THE HERITAGE OF MY NOBLE FOREFATHERS WITH YOUR DIRTY BEASTLY-

As suddenly as Mrs. Black had started to scream, as suddenly her swearing stopped again as the curtains were roughly closed in front of her portrait and so Sirius sat down again. Only seconds later, Remus and Ben appeared in the kitchen.

"Hello," mumbled Remus and timidly looked around the room. His eyes lingered a little longer on Tonks' face, framed by mousy brown hair.

"Ah, good you could manage to come," said Dumbledore with a gentle smile while Ben and Remus sat down.

The meeting dragged on like chewing gum but Tonks didn't pay any attention to the reports anyway; her eyes were locked on Remus the whole time. The latter kept his eyes down on the tabletop, carefully avoiding to look in her direction. Tonks could see the small scratches and bruises on his jaw and forearms...

"That should be it for today! You may leave now but I'd suggest you to stay for Molly's wonderful food!" said Dumbledore, declaring the end of the meeting.

Remus and Ben immediately rose from their seats.

"Don't you want to stay for dinner?" asked Molly disappointed.

"No, not today, Moll, thank you," mumbled Remus with a forced smile, seeing Tonks rise from her seat as well in the corner of his eye.

"Wait," whispered Sirius and gently pushed her down into her chair again.

He quickly walked around the table and grabbed Remus' arm.

"May I have a word with you..." growled Sirius with clenched teeth and pulled Remus into the living-room, ignoring all the Werewolf's protests.

.

"Why are you doing this?" asked Sirius after he had closed the door and positioned himself in front of it, his arms crossed in front of his chest.

"Why am I doing _what_, Sirius?" replied Remus annoyed.

"Are you fucking kidding me, Remus?! Why did you just disappear from one day to the next? Without even one word to her? Can you imagine how she feels? _I_ don't care, you already disappeared back then, sometimes for weeks, without telling anyone of us. But this is different, this is about Tonks!" hissed Sirius.

"Oh don't give me that shit now, Sirius! Yes, you're right, I disappeared. Because they already called us monsters, a danger to society and anybody who's in contact with us. But it didn't seem to bother you too much where I was back then, did it? I wasn't stupid, Sirius! I knew that you suspected me to be the spy and I was well aware why! Now don't you dare give me that look! What else reason did you have, except for what I am?!" growled Remus angrily.

A cold silence ensued between them until Remus broke it, now quiet and softer.

"I know what I'm doing to her, Sirius. Don't think it's easy for me."

"Then _why_ are you doing this, Remus?" asked Sirius desperately and looked into his eyes.

"Because I don't have a choice, Sirius! You know that I couldn't do this! I can't even bear the thought of her suffering because of me. Let alone bear the risk!" he said louder again but there was something pleading in his eyes...

.

Back in the kitchen, the others had started to chat in little groups to bridge the time until dinner. Only Tonks was still sitting on her chair, looking right into Ben's eyes. The Werewolf was leaning in the door way. He could see how red her eyes were, the mousy brown hair...

Then suddenly, Tonks stood up and stormed past him, heading for the living-room.

"Tonks!" he called as he followed her through the hallway but she had already reached the door and swung it open.

Remus and Sirius were just standing there with sagging shoulder, turning their heads towards the door.

"Tonks...we have to leave...some other time, okay?" mumbled Remus.

"No. Why?" she replied coldly, trying to keep a straight face so she wouldn't break out into tears in front of him.

"Tonks, I can't and I don't want to talk about this right now," he replied.

"Why are you doing this to me? Why did you just leave me in the dark? I thought you loved me!" she said, her voice rising with every word as she slowly approached him.

Remus clenched his hands into fists and stretched them out again before he looked up to meet her gaze. Ben knew what was coming...and he knew how hard all this was for Remus.

"Tonks, there's no help for it. The risks are too high! Don't you bloody understand it?" he growled desperately.

"I don't _care_! How often do I have to tell you this until you get it?" she hissed back.

"But _I_ care! I can't and I don't want to bear this risk!" he said.

"So you are telling me that you don't love me anymore? That we can simply erase all we had during the last months? Are you really expecting me to simply stop loving you, act like nothing ever happened between us, as if we don't even know each other?!" she yelled with angry desperation.

"No, I can't expect you to do this. But I've made my decision and you can't change anything about it. You have to accept it, Tonks! You can't force me to stay here, keep going and watch it destroy your life!" he growled.

"Say that you don't love me, Remus, and I'll let you walk out of this door and never talk about it again," she whispered.

The muscles tensed up under his skin as Remus gritted is teeth.

"Goodbye, Tonks," he whispered, dropped his gaze and stormed past her and out of the house.

Ben still stood there, swallowing hard to fight the dryness in his throat. Sirius gave him a sad look, nodded and pulled Tonks into her arms while her shoulder started to tremble with silent sobs.

A strange, yawning void filled his head as Ben walked down the hallway. He could briefly see the confused looks of the other members as he passed the kitchen door. Without another word, he stepped next to Remus, who was for him in the street. Heavy raindrop had started to fall from the sky...

"Please don't say anything," whispered Remus without looking at him.

"Didn't mean to..." mumbled Ben and they disapparated.


	8. blackout

**Hello everyone and welcome back to a very special chapter! *group hug***

**I actually thought that I still had a few chapter until this imoportant scene, until I translated it today and realized it's in this very chapter. **

**Sooo, I'm ****really**** curious what you'll say about this chap. ;) **

**Imagine you're kind of in a bad mood but the sun is breaking through the clouds and you take a nice walk in the park, birds are singing and jolly rabbits are hopping over the grass...and then the clouds get darker and there's a short, but strong thunderstorm and you end up dripping wet and confusedd...well, that's kind of what's waiting for you in this chapter ;) Oh, the feels...Maybe I exaggerated it a bit, but you'll see what I mean. Let's just call it a metaphorical hyperbole, yes that's good...sounds all literature-ish. Don't take me serious, I'm just nervous about your reactions :3**

**Anyway, thank you all for reading this story and especially to those who review it as well :)**

**Today I'd like to suggest the fanfiction "Fun & Games at Grimauld Place" by Gemini-Victoria. I've read it a while ago and now remusdora suggested to me to suggest it to you (suggest, suggest, suggest...suggest is a strange word...sugggessst). It's just what the title says: a funny story about Sirius, Tonks, Mundungus and Bill having a little prank tournament at the Headquarter. Don't worry, you'll even get your daily dose of Remus/Tonks ;)**

**Enough boring author talk: Enjoy the chapter and leave a review, it would make my day! :3**

***preparing hot tea and biscuits for everyone* *preparing a home made soup as well...wink wink***

**xo PablosGirl**

Is A Bell X3: Thank you for your review :3 I'm so sorry, but I had to write something so I could keep the glorious hospital-wing scene, sorryyyy...but I'm sure I can make up for it with this chap. I think you'll be quite excited about it, at least I hope so ;) I can't wait to see what you think about it :) Enjoy the chap!

MOEWE: Oh grandma Moewe (why does that remind me of Pocahontas?)...you and your fabulous reviews ;) Thank you very much! I don't know why, but I never thought of "the lone wolf" as a metaphor for Remus, that's good! Anyway, I agree with you but I also think that Remus and his wolf have melded so much through all these years that his and the wolf's feelings and urges are sometimes hard to distinguish. At least that's how I imagine Remus in my story ;) Hey, I think I already stumbled over "The Werewolf who stole Christmas" but I'm not sure if I read it. I think that Sirius' rehabilitation and the fact that he's finally free and Wormtail sentenced, would make Sirius more optimistic and "warm", thus likeable. I agree, Shell cottage was really good and number 12 was rather contorted and a bit too gloomy for a former, luxurious mansion. But I have to say that the Werewolf-scene in PoA really disappointed me. I mean, the students learn to tell the difference between a werewolf and a normal wolf..._well, if I look at that gollum-like, scabietic thing over there...hmm, I'm not quite sure...normal wolf?_ Just kidding, you get what I mean. ;) I know JK said that she liked it because it underlines that lycanthropy is actually an illness, but I still don't think that this matches the discription of a werewolf. But I can see why you hated the film-makers for leaving out the Snape-in-a-nightshirt-scene ;) Yep, "hungry haters" was intended and don't worry, I would've never guessed the HIV-metaphor if I hadn't read about it on the wikia :) I hope you like this chapter as well! Enjoy!

klainebows101: Ooooh, Sirius hitting Remus, interesting idea ;) I know, Remus is acting like a little asshole, but maybe Ben will convince you otherwise in this chap :) Anyway, thank you for your feedback! Enjoy the chapter!

remusdora: Thank you very much for your feedback! :) "hi to you for making me cry" :D *Pabblo barks at PablosGirl for making you cry* I'm soooorry! But it will get better eventually, promise! Enjoy the chapter and tell me what you think about it! :)

danadanaBATMAN: Thank you for your review :) Oh no, another sad reader...the feels! THE FEELS! Don't worry, there'll be someone to cheer Tonks up in this chapter! ;) I'm curious for your reaction, so enjoy the chap!

* * *

The evening of the Order meeting had left its marks. Tonks barely left her room if she wasn't at work, where she did her job with a staged version of her usual cheerfulness. Kingsley gave her the most boring and annoying reports he could find to bring her out of her shell...without success. Molly tried to distract her as much as possible; she chatted about all and sundry while Tonks just sat there, her hands running through her mousy brown hair while her gaze got lost in the distance.

The only one who got through to her was Sirius. With him, she could let her facade down; laughing and crying from one minute to the next.

Remus had been her anchor, her big wolf, and it nearly tore her apart to know that he loved her and yet acted like she didn't even exist. She spent every full-moon sitting by her window, fell asleep against the cold glass and woke up every morning in her bed, knowing that Sirius must have carried her there in the middle of the night.

Apart from her usual shifts she had guard duty at Hogwarts since Dumbledore had requested additional protection for the students. It wore her out to be so close to the Forbidden Forest, knowing how relatively close she was to Remus every time she patrolled at the castle's portal.

The only times she saw him were two Order meetings where he disappeared as hurriedly and quickly as he had entered before. But soon after that, he didn't even appear at the meetings anymore; he only kept contact with Dumbledore in case he had important news.

Ben, however, still joined the meetings a few times; he remained silent and hesitated for a few moments when the official part had ended. But eventually he always left, looking utterly nervous and confused, with Sirius' worried gaze following him.

.

It was already in the middle of autumn when Sirius knocked on Tonks' door.

"Hey!" he greeted smiling.

She was sitting at her desk, absorbed in some official looking documents.

"What are you doing?" asked Sirius curiously and stepped behind her chair to look over her shoulder.

"Oh, nothing, just battling with red tape, nothing urgent actually...and yet I'm sitting here, on my day off," mumbled Tonks.

"So you can spare some time for me?" asked Sirius cheerfully, which made her look up at him.

"What are you up to, Black?" asked Tonks suspiciously but she couldn't help smiling as she saw his grinning face.

"Well, I thought that we might as well do something together, get out of this bloody house, you know...I want to take your mind off things, at least for a few hours. I know I told you that we have to be patient and all but I didn't mean you should drown yourself in work all day!" said Sirius winking.

"You didn't answer my question, Sirius", chuckled Tonks.

"What about a trip to the cinema? I know, I know, it's a Muggle-thing but I know that you like it and the last time I went to see a film was when Lily dragged us with her. So?" he said with raised eyebrows and a crooked grin.

"But we don't even know which films are released at the moment!" replied Tonks.

"So? We'll just go and see what they have; we can still decide which one we want to see when we're there. And if there's nothing you like we can still drink ourselves into oblivion in some random, shady pub...but only if all the films are shit, young lady!" said Sirius with a mischievous grin.

Tonks seemed to think about it for a few moments, chewing on her lower lips, until she nodded and gave him the biggest, beaming smile he had seen on her in weeks.

"Agreed!"

.

Only fifteen minutes later, Tonks trotted down the stairs, with the intention to ban Remus' from her mind for at least a few, carefree hours.

"What a sight you are, wow! Want the ladies to ogle you, huh?" said Tonks grinning as she looked at Sirius who was waiting for her at the bottom of the stairs. He was wearing a pair of dark jeans, a black long-sleeve shirt and his old leather jacket on top of it.

"You like it?" he asked grinning. "I somehow have to keep up with you, coz. Come on, let's go!"

A little later they were standing in the busy entrance area of a big, London cinema, surrounded by all types of people. Couples, Parents with children, giggling Teenagers and a small group of chattering women... It felt like years since Tonks had been in such a worry-free, lively place. Hardly surprising since this place was filled with Muggles, unaware of the danger and war rolling towards England...but Tonks quickly pushed that thought away again.

"What about this one, Tonks?" asked Sirius and pointed at one of the movie posters.

"That's a children's film, Sirius. But I think I know why it immediately caught your eye," laughed Tonks as she looked up at the poster showing a big, black dog running through a field with a little boy.

"Alright," he replied with a barking laugh. "What do you suggest?"

"Hmm, how about that one? It starts in twenty minutes," said Tonks. "Looks like some comedy film. What do you think?"

"Sure, you're the film-expert," replied Sirius and shrugged his shoulders.

And so Tonks bought the tickets while Sirius retreated to a quiet corner to watch the happy people around them.

"Tickets, check," said Tonks smiling as she walked up to Sirius and nudged his ribs with her elbow. "By the way...I think I'm not the only women around here who noticed your look."

Tonks winked at him and nodded towards a group of women who were about Sirius' age.

"Nonsense," mumbled Sirius as he glanced over at said women, but his lips curved into a crooked smile anyway.

"Should we get something to eat?" asked Tonks although she already knew what his answer would be.

"Food? Are you kidding me? Of course!" replied Sirius with a mad grin and followed her to the snack counter.

"Hello! What can I get for you?" asked a friendly staff-member.

"Do you have those strange buckets?" asked Sirius, leaning on the counter, before Tonks could say anything.

"Err...you mean the jumbo-popcorn-bucket, right?" asked the poor guy politely although he looked more than confused.

"Yes, exactly! They really still have those things, Tonks!" exclaimed Sirius grinning.

"Okay, we'll take a jumbo bucket of popcorn and two bottles of cola," said Tonks with an apologetic smile towards the staff-member.

.

Only five minutes later, the two were sitting in their comfortable seats, waiting in the dim light for the commercials to start.

"Sirius...I really think you've got some fans," said Tonks grinning as she turned back to him after she had looked around the crowded cinema.

The group of women was sitting only a few aisles away from Sirius and Tonks. And Sirius wouldn't have been Sirius, if he didn't turn around to them and wiggled his eyebrows with a mischievous grin, making the women blush and giggle. But when he looked at Tonks again, his grin turned into an amused smile and he gave her a good-natured wink.

"There's only one problem with them, you know..." said Sirius.

"Um...they're Muggles?" replied Tonks in a low voice.

"No, that's not the point...today, my dear coz, I'll only care for the lovely lady next to me," said Sirius grinning and wrapped his arm around her shoulders. A few metres away, seven women were pulling wry faces.

Two hours later and with a little less weight on their shoulders, Tonks and Sirius entered number 12 again, arms linked together and laughing happily. When they stepped into the kitchen, Tonks failed to stifle a big yawn and stretched lazily.

"Tired? Come on, I know you're exhausted, go to sleep. Tomorrow will be time enough and you've got another day off, anyway," suggested Sirius with a gentle smile.

"Maybe you're right...thank you, Sirius, for everything! The cinema was a great idea!" said Tonks and hugged him.

"You're welcome, coz, don't worry about it," replied Sirius smiling.

When they let go of each other again, Tonks hesitated, chewing on her lip.

"What's wrong?" asked Sirius and tilted his head to look at her lowered face.

"What if I can't fall asleep?" she replied sheepishly.

"Then you'll wake me up and we'll sit down in the living-room or drink some tea. Don't worry, considering that yawn, you'll be asleep in no time," said Sirius and he would end up being right about it.

"Well then...Good Night, Sirius!"

"Night, Tonks!"

.

It was only half an hour after Tonks had gone upstairs and she had already fallen asleep, while Sirius was still sitting in the living room. With a butter beer in his hand, he browsed through his old scrapbook, the one Remus had given him for Christmas...Then suddenly, a noise from the front door startled him and he turned around to look over the sofa's back. It was Ben, standing in the door to the living-room.

"Hello," he mumbled shyly, returning Sirius' gaze.

He looked just as unshaven as Remus had recently and he seemed more than lost as he stood in the middle of the room.

"Hello...what-" said Sirius.

"I actually wanted to see Tonks...I feel bad because I haven't been there for her lately," mumbled the Werewolf.

It was obvious that Ben was feeling uncomfortable...On the one hand, he was glad to see Sirius again, but on the other hand, he felt extremely misplaced and strangely unwelcome.

"I'm sure she'd be happy to see you," said Sirius.

"But?"

"She already went to sleep...got a lot to catch up on," said Sirius, placed his butterbeer on the coffee table and rounded the sofa.

"Oh..." said Ben and scratched his arm awkwardly.

"How are you?" asked Sirius and Ben's head shot up again with a surprised look across his face.

"I...well, I'm fine, I guess...could be worse," replied Ben and Sirius nodded understandingly.

"We miss you two around her," said Sirius. "How's Remus?"

"According to circumstances. He's pretty stressed out, keeps contact with Dumbledore...not that there would be any news to tell," explained Ben.

"That's not what I meant," said Sirius, still not breaking the eye contact.

"He feels like shit, what else? He still loves her, Sirius, nothing has changed about that," said Ben exhausted and rubbed the bridge of his nose between his eyes.

"Nobody's forced him to do that, you know," said Sirius, crossing his arms in front of his chest.

He actually didn't want to argue with Ben, he was happy to see the Werewolf again...and yet Sirius couldn't help it.

.

"The current situation forced him to do it," said Ben strained.

"It's nearly killing her, Ben! This can't be Remus' intention!" replied Sirius.

"Of course not! He hates himself for what he did, but he has no choice as long as the situation doesn't change. Do you really think it would be easier for Tonks if he was here and ignored her? He simply couldn't do it!" replied Ben annoyed.

"Ben!"

"Sirius! You don't understand this!" said Ben upset.

"_I don't understand it_?! Ben, I've known him since our youth! He has always been a bloody bullhead about this topic! He denied himself his own luck so many times and always for the wrong reasons! He's just torturing himself!"

"Well, if that's the case you should also know that he'd rather disappear than to cause Tonks or you any trouble!"

"Ben! He's had these worries for years, even before Umbridge vented her shit! He's just afraid, that's all! That's why he's hiding!"

A sudden, amber haze flashed through Ben's usually calm eyes.

"Just afraid? _Just afraid_, Sirius? Do you really think we're barricading ourselves in the Forbidden Forest, living in tents and isolating ourselves because we're afraid of consequences? Remus may be afraid of losing again, yes. But I think that his love for Tonks outweighed this fear. He'd rather take Pettigrew's place than to expose Tonks to any risk! And if you really think that Umbridge's just blowing smoke and nobody's listening to her: I lost my bloody job because of what I am; because my boss was afraid he might get problems if anyone finds out he's employing a Werewolf. Sirius...I'm still trying to convince my landlord not to kick me out of the apartment I'm not even living in at the moment, because I want to be with Remus so he won't lose his mind! So don't you tell me Umbridge's just bluffing, Sirius! She will push these laws through; it's just a matter of time. And it's been a piece of cake for her to convince people lately! Our lives are in danger and the last thing we want is to drag those we love into this," growled Ben angrily, slowly stalking closer to Sirius as he spoke until their faces were only a few palms apart.

"Please don't think that we don't care about you," whispered Ben bitterly.

.

Unable to reply anything, Sirius just stared at him in bewilderment. He was so close to him, he could see the amber speckles in his usually brown eyes. And then it happened...

Ben's body was trembling with anger as he stood in front of the man who had turned from a name rushing ahead of him, into a friend, into an avoided person and eventually into a pure discussion partner, painting Remus black.

After his angry monologue, Ben's head was filled with a yawning void.

He had finally said it, everything he'd wanted to tell him, why they did what they were doing...and now he felt an odd indifference filling his chest.

Without thinking about it, Ben stepped even closer to Sirius, grabbed his face roughly with both of his hands and pressed his lips against Sirius'. He kept kissing him for a few seconds, let go of him and looked into Sirius' eyes, which stared blankly back at him. This was the moment when Ben snapped out of his trance again; he stumbled backwards and quickly bolted from the house with a hurriedly mumbled "I'm sorry".

Sirius, however, was still paralyzed.

He hadn't returned the kiss...but he didn't fell any disgust or repulsion, either, which shocked him all the more. He unwittingly touched his lips where another pair had brushed against them only seconds ago...the lips of a man.

Thousands of confusing thoughts threatened to descend upon him but he shook them off, emptied his butterbeer in one go and went up into his bed, where he quickly fell into a restless sleep...


	9. in limbo I

**Hey there everyone! *big group hug***

**First of all: I'm really sorry it took me so long to update! More than two weeks, oh boy... I caught a pretty bad cold/flu which lasted more than a week, followed by some serious personal stuff that kept me from concentrating on my translation. So now that I'm fit again, I really hope that you can forgive me (that sounds so dramatic...) for the long pause, especially after this cliffhanger-ish last chapter. **

**I know, this chap is pretty short and it ends in a cliffhanger again, but it's part of a double chapter and the second part is much longer. I'll do my best to upload the second part this weekend, maybe even tonight. :) **

**Anyway, I hope that you guys are all fine. Thank you very much for your reviews! I'm glad most of you like/accept this Sirius/Ben thing I initiated. We'll see where it takes us...oh now I feel even worse about letting you wait so long for the update...sorry! But I'm glad I'm back...I already missed you guys ;)**

**I'm probably boring you already with all this stuff, so just go ahead and enjoy the chapter! I hope you like it! :3**

***preparing hot chocolate and tea, homemade soup and muffins and cookies for everyone***

**xo PablosGirl**

remusdora: Thank you very much for your kind review and all the cheese and chocolate *rolling around the room with Pablo* I'm glad you liked that side of Sirius :) I guess Sirius is pretty confused, you'll see in this chap. Oh and thank you once again for your get-well-soon-wishes, I think they worked ;) I hope you enjoy the chap!

JKStorm: DAYUM! Sweet review, bro... XD No really, I loved that review :) Thank you very much, I'm glad you enjoyed the last chap! I hope you like this one as well, enjoy!

Aereal: Thank you very much for your review :) I'm serious! I knew you wouldn't like it and that's fine. But many people just stop reviewing if they don't like something about a story. Instead you told me about it in a very sweet way, so thank you for your feedback. :) Maybe I'll even manage to change your mind, at least in this strange little micro-cosmos of my story ;) We'll see. But for now: enjoy the chap!

Moewe: Hey there! I loved your analysis of my little, innocent metaphor. Very well done! You get an A, or a 1 to be a bit more German ;) If I only knew a proper translations or equivalent to a "Fleißsternchen" ;) Hyperbole is really a strange word. I used to have a classmate who pronounced it "hyper-bowl" and I always pictured a giant salad bowl in my head...could have been the icon of some strange cult. People dancing around a giant salad bowl, praising the glorious vegetable king...anyway *shakes thought out of head* I remembered you calling yourself something like grandma Moewe in one of your e-mails, that's why I picked up on it. I'm sorry if it offended you because I really didn't intend to! Just in case: *offering freshly made soup* Anyway, I'm glad you enjoyed the last chap and I really hope that you like this one, too! Enjoy! :)

danadanaBATMAN: Awww yeah, I just love writing cliffhangers ;) I know I'm givign them all a hard time at the moment, but it will get better again, promise! :) Thank you very much for your feedback! And now lean back, relax and enjoy the chapter :3

Klainebows101: Thank you very much, I'm glad you liked it :) "Sirius passed out"...god, imagine Ben kissing him and Sirius suddenly collapses...Ben: "Hm, well this is awkward..." :D I hope you enjoy this chapter as well! Have fun!

Guest: Hey there! Thank you very much for your review! :) I'm glad you liked the chapter and the story as a whole so far. Yes, I'm fine again, thank you :) As I already said, I was pretty sick, but now I'm fit enough to write again. Yay! ;) Enjoy the chapter!

* * *

When Ben walked through the Forbidden Forest, he wished he could bring back that yawning void to stop the nagging thoughts from invading his mind. _Merlin, you're so stupid! What did you think you were doing? I didn't think at all, that's the point! Are you insane?!_

When he reached the camp, the other men looked up but he just stormed past them into his room, grabbed his coat and left the tent again, carefully avoiding the others' eyes following him curiously. Remus gave them a firm nod and rose from his seat to follow him into the darkness.

"Ben!" he called, but Ben was already several metres ahead of him, almost disappearing between the trees. "Wait!"

When Remus kept pace with him, they walked side by side in silence until the forest cleared, revealing the sparkling surface of the lake, and he finally dared to speak to Ben.

"What's wrong?"

"I fucked it up...I just blew a fuse," growled Ben but the desperate tone in his voice was unmistakeable.

"What are you talking about?" asked Remus confused when they stopped at the lakeside and Ben started to kick the pebbles into the water.

"I argued with Sirius again...we literally screamed at each other," said Ben, his hands buried deep inside his pockets while his eyes were locked on the water.

"What of it? Sirius can cope with it and it's not the first time...what's the real problem?" asked Remus quietly and looked at him from the side.

With a long sigh, Ben eventually looked up at him until he couldn't stand Remus' inquiring look anymore and averted his eyes again.

"I snapped at him because he just didn't understand it. I even told him about my job and the apartment so he would finally understand the gravity of the situation. He didn't even get the chance to speak, I was talking myself into a rage and then...suddenly my head was empty. I had nothing left to say, nothing...but I was still so furious, I wanted to hit something. If I only had..." said Ben, sounding more and more desperate with every word.

"What happened, Ben?" asked Remus calmly.

Ben swallowed hard.

"I...kissed him. I grabbed his face and just kissed him. I stopped after a few seconds and it felt like my head suddenly started to work again...I apologized and left. And now I'm here. That's what happened," explained Ben and finally dared to look up again.

But Remus just watched him with an incredulous look on his face.

"You...what did he do?" asked Remus slowly in a low voice.

"What?" asked Ben puzzled.

"Sirius...what did he do when you kissed him?" replied Remus.

"He...I don't know...nothing. He just stood there, frozen, and stared at me with a blank expression after I let go of him. He didn't say anything, not a single word...but he didn't push me away either...Merlin, what have I done?" mumbled Ben and sat down on the pebble.

"I would love to give you some smart advice, you know...but I have no idea what to say," said Remus, sounding almost amused, as he sat down as well.

"I know..." mumbled Ben, rested his elbows on his tucked up knees and rubbed his face.

"Do you like him?" asked Remus suddenly after a few moments of silence.

"What?"

"Do you find him attractive, are you in love with him...You know, what I mean," said Remus and shrugged his shoulders casually.

"In love?! I...no! Well, I started to wonder after New Year's...I missed him and I was glad to see him again," replied Ben hesitantly.

"Is that all?" asked Remus.

"I don't know...when he told me that he missed me, too...I'm afraid I felt more than just plain, friendly relief. I don't know, Remus...Merlin, why did I have to kiss him?! Why didn't I just hit him in the face?" mumbled Ben desperately.

"Believe me, there are many things I regret saying or doing...but after all I could say...nope, actually not, my life's shit," said Remus with a crooked grin, trying to cheer Ben up.

"Maybe it will get better again someday," said Ben more to himself than to Remus.

"Maybe, maybe not. Come on, let's go, it's late. Full-moon's not too far away and you'll need all the sleep you can get," said Remus, helped him up and they slowly walked back to the camp.

.

The next morning, Sirius awoke with the first rays of sunlight breaking through his window. It took less than a minute until the memory of last night invaded his still drowsy mind. As soon as he opened his eyes, he remembered it.

_He kissed you. _

_Well, there goes your plan to ignore it..._

And so Sirius headed into the kitchen, made some strong coffee and thought about what might keep him occupied all day so he would have as little time left as possible to wrack his brain.

_Cleaning it is, then...,_ thought Sirius.

His own messy room alone would give him enough work for a few hours.

He was already cleaning for a while, when Tonks knocked on his door to ask him if he needed anything from Diagon Alley. She looked a bit more relaxed since their trip to the cinema. At least something...And so he kept dusting, cleaning and making his laundry.

He had already cleared half of the chaos when something fell into his hands and ruined his whole plan. A plain, white t-shirt...Ben's t-shirt.

Hundreds of memories immediately hailed down on him.

The morning of New Year's Day. The long silence between them. How much he had missed him. That Ben knew about his fear of the dark and yet didn't laugh at him. How safe he must've have felt when Ben stayed with him that night. How unfair he had been. The hurt look in Ben's eyes. Their argument about Remus' decision. The kiss.

Sirius ran his right hand through his hair and slumped down on his bed, still clutching the shirt with his left one.

_Why didn't you just push him away? _

_Because...I don't know! I was thunderstruck at that moment, that's all!_

_But you're not gay! Why don't you feel disgusted when you remember it?_

_I have no idea, for fuck's sake! How am I supposed to know?_

_But you're into women! You could have so many women!_

_Who says that I still want that?_

_So you _are_ into men? Maybe you're bi!_

_What do I know? I don't know anything anymore...my life's shit!_

_But you like him, don't you?_

_Stop asking those stupid questions!_

.

Sirius let out a long, annoyed sigh and opened his eyes again.

His fingers were running through the soft cotton in his hands when he suddenly flinched as a strange idea hit him.

Should he really do this?

For what purpose?

_To test it...at least one little clue. There's nothing to lose. I have to start all over again anyway..._

And so he slowly lifted the shirt to his face and buried his nose in the soft fabric.

It was hardly sensible, but there was something...the faint smell of a man reached his nose, reminding Sirius of the scent which had clung to his sheets back on New Year's Day. It was strange...it smelled nice, somehow familiar.

After all, his little experiment hadn't brought him any step further and so Sirius threw the shirt back into his wardrobe and went down into the kitchen to wait for Tonks to return home.

.

"Hey Sirius! How was your day, did you-" chirped Tonks cheerfully as she entered the kitchen a little later but immediately froze when she saw him. "Sirius, are you alright?"

"Yes, I'm just a bit...confused," mumbled Sirius and looked back down into his glass of firewhisky.

"Did something happen?" she asked anxiously.

"Yes..." he said and looked up at her shocked expression, suddenly realizing what she was thinking. "What? Oh, no! Don't worry, no bad news. But yesterday...something happened."

"Yesterday? After we went to see the film?" she asked, took off her coat and sat down with him.

"Yes...you were already sleeping," mumbled Sirius.

"So?"

"Ben showed up, he wanted to see you. He was feeling bad because he didn't have time for you recently...because you're having a rough time, you know," explained Sirius quietly and cleared his hoarse throat.

A sad smile flashed Tonks lips. "What's so confusing about that? That's nice of him."

"That's not the point...we started to argue again because of, you know...everything. He eventually talked himself into a rage, he was pretty upset...and then he kissed me," explained Sirius reluctantly.

"He did WHAT?" asked Tonks shocked after she had recovered from a little cough attack.

"He grabbed me and kissed me," mumbled Sirius quietly and stared into the amber liquid in his glass.

"He...but why?" asked Tonks, unable to think of anything else to say.

"No idea! How am I supposed to know?! Maybe he's got a crush on me, Merlin knows..." replied Sirius and felt heat rush to his cheeks.

"I'm sorry, stupid question...no wonder you're confused," said Tonks with a crooked smile and shrugged her shoulders. "What did you do? I hope you didn't yell at him and throw him out like last time."

"No...I didn't do anything, I was...frozen, completely surprised and didn't say anything. He just mumbled some apologies and ran away," grumbled Sirius. "And that's the point! Even now I still don't feel disgusted or anything. And now I don't know what to make of it or do!"

"I understand..." sighed Tonks. "Did you, well, ever thought about that you might _like_ him."

"Tonks, the last time I felt something like that was more than thirteen years ago. How do I know? I forgot about those things," replied Sirius frustrated.

"Well, you _could_ find out about that...but you mustn't trample on his feelings. I'm just afraid that Ben thinks about those things like Remus..." said Tonks quietly.

"Maybe you're right...maybe I should try and find out," said Sirius more to himself than to her and left the kitchen to go to sleep.

The young Auror, however, still sat in the kitchen for a long time, sipping on her tea, trying to order the chaos which had taken control of her life...

.

Weeks went by and it got colder and colder. Winter was just around the corner, which didn't help Sirius' worries about Remus and Ben, who were still living in the Forbidden Forest, at all. It came as no real surprise that none of them had appeared at the Order meetings anymore...and so their surprise was even bigger when the muffled sound of the front door and hasty footsteps interrupted them one evening.

Only seconds later, no less than Remus Lupin himself appeared in the kitchen of number 12.

He looked haunted and utterly exhausted. His eyes were reddened and his hands were covered in countless bruises and scratches. With deep worry lines on his forehead, he hectically looked around the room.

"Remus?" asked Sirius eventually after moments of shocked silence.

Full moon had been only last night and so Sirius was all the more alarmed by Remus appearance.

What had happened?


	10. in limbo II

**Hey everyone! *group hug* **

**See, I kept my promise and updated the double chapter this weekend! Good author, right? :3**

**I'm really curious for your reactions on this one because it's one my favourite chapters/passages of the story. So make me happy and leave a review to tell me what you think about it *waving around bribery chocolate bars* :)**

**I'd first have to browse my favourites-folder for a story-suggestion, so instead I'll suggest a film/series this time. If you can find it anywhere, go and check out " The 10th Kingdom". I'm ****sure**** you'll like it, especially because of the character "Wolf". It's a mini series about a father and his daughter who get into a fairytale world through a portal. It always reminds me of Christmas although it has nothing to do with Christmas, but they used to show it on TV around Christmas here in Germany when I was younger...good old memories :) **

**A big thank you to ****_Is A Bell X3_**** and ****_remusdora_****! Your reviews made my day yesterday and I just want to hug you for it! So... *hugs ****_Is A Bell X3_**** and ****_remusdora_*******

**Anyway, enjoy your lazy Sunday and have fun with this chapter! See you at the review section...*wink wink***

***preparing hot chocolate for everyone***

**xo PablosGirl**

Is A Bell X3: I'm sorry Mum! I promise I'll be a good author from now on! Look, I painted you a picture! *holds up child drawing of a wolf eating chocolate* Thank you very much for this awesome review, I loved it! :D I'm glad you enjoyed the chapter and I apologize again for this nasty cliffhanger ;) I hope you like this cliffhanger-free-chapter as well! Enjoy!

remusdora: I'm soooorryyyy! *peeks out from pillow fort* But look at this beautiful, majestic, long chapter before you! Isn't it gorgeous? *wink wink* I'm glad you liked the chapter and I hope you enjoy this one as well! And there's no cliffhanger in this one, promise :) Enjoy!

* * *

"Ben..." Remus eventually croaked out. "He's seriously injured, we tried to treat him on our own but he's getting worse and worse. We need help, Albus."

Remus' last words sounded painfully pleading and so looked his face as he turned to the headmaster who immediately nodded.

"Bring him to the hospital wing, I'll inform Poppy," said Dumbledore and already lifted his wand to conjure a patronus when Remus interrupted him.

"No, we can't!" said Remus desperately and Tonks grabbed Sirius' hand under the table. "He's not fit for transport. We tried, but it's impossible. That's why I came here."

Only Sirius had seen him so desperate before and so a thick silence filled the room again, only pierced by the Werewolf's sharp, heavy breathing.

Was that dried blood on his sleeve? Tonks unwittingly shuddered as a cold chill went down her spine.

"I'll tell Poppy. You have to meet her at the portal and lead her to the camp. Take Hagrid with you, it's safer. I'll return to Hogwarts as fast as I can," said Dumbledore seriously and conjured a Patronus.

Remus disappeared as quickly as he had appeared before.

"He looks so exhausted," said Molly, breaking the silence.

"No, he's afraid," growled Sirius and quickly disappeared into the living-room to fetch the firewhisky.

Kingsley only nodded while silent tears ran down Tonks' cheeks.

.

In the meantime, Remus had already apparated back to Hogsmeade and ran through the alleys as fast as he could. The narrow streets were still pretty crowded. It rained and the wet cobble stone reflected the yellow light of the lamps. But Remus didn't even notice the startled looks of the residents following him as he stormed past them.

The people of Hogsmeade had become wary. In the past, the vicinity of Hogwarts had meant safety and security. But now Aurors were patrolling around the grounds and at night, the wind often carried wolfish howls into the village.

Remus kept running and felt like the castle's portal approximated only achingly slow.

Hagrid was standing in front of his hut, a grim expression on his face. With a torch in one hand and Fang's lead in the other one, he watched the dark figure running towards the portal with exceptional speed.

Slowly but surely, Remus could make out a small figure, silhouetted against the warm light shining through the opened portal door behind it. He couldn't do anything to keep his mind from wandering back to the last days...

.

_Ben had gotten more and more restless. He had wandered through the forest for hours, trying to chase away the nagging thoughts. _

_Full moon came and the inevitable transformations took its course. Remus was suffering more, too, now that they had turned their backs on Grimmauldplace._

_When he awoke first the next morning and got up to make sure everyone was back at the camp, he counted one occupied bed less. _

_Ben was missing. _

_From one moment to the next, he was wide awake and called his name...but he didn't answer._

_Now the others awoke as well. With grim expressions on their faces, they began to search for him. They combed the forest in pairs of two, constantly calling his name, until Remus suddenly heard a quiet moan. _

_He immediately ran into the direction and found Ben on the forest floor; helpless, almost unconscious and covered in blood. He had countless deep scratches, cuts and bruises and a broken arrow was sticking out of his left shoulder. _

_They covered him in a blanket and brought him back into the camp. It took them hours to treat his wounds and clean his skin from the blood and dirt, constantly trying to keep him awake. _

_Eventually, Remus stared down on his shoulder with the arrow still sticking out of it. _

_"Remus?" said one of the other Werewolves. _

_"We have to remove it," said Remus and his throat felt dryer than ever before. _

_Ben was still dizzy and so they decided to do it immediately. When they had finally managed to get it out, tears streamed down Ben's cheeks and he was breathing heavily. _

_"I'm sorry...we had to do it," said Remus and it nearly broke his heart to see him like that. He sat down by his side and brotherly stroked his hair. _

_Even a magical extraction of an arrow was extremely painful, especially if you couldn't give any more pain-relief-potions like in Ben's case. _

_None of the Werewolves slept during the next night. Instead they took turns to sit by Ben's side, but his condition didn't seem to improve. He was feverish and still drifting in and out of consciousness and so they decided to bring him to the hospital wing. _

_But only after a few metres they had to return. He was just too weak; the transportation made him black out and they were quickly running out of elixirs and potions. _

_And so Remus left to get help..._

.

With his heart pounding in his chest and breathing heavily, Remus finally reached the castle's portal. Poppy nodded with a serious expression on her face and turned to follow him.

Without a single word, Hagrid joined them at the edge of the forest while Remus suppressed the urge to start running again. Instead he guided them deeper into the forest with hurried steps and his eyes focused onto the darkness in front of them.

After several minutes, Madame Pomfrey opened her mouth to ask how long it would still take them to get there, when suddenly a small fire appeared between the thick tree trunks and the camp came into sight. All colour vanished from Remus' face as he held the tent open for her with shaky hands.

.

At number 12, the kitchen was still filled with a thick, strained atmosphere.

Tonks was chewing on her lips, glancing over at Sirius from time to time, who was nervously fidgeting around with his feet and biting his nails. She could imagine what was going on inside him right now, what he was thinking about...

When the meeting was over, Dumbledore quickly disappeared, promising them to inform them as soon as he knew more about Ben's condition.

.

For half an hour, Madame Pomfrey treated Ben with all kinds of tinctures and potions. She often hesitated, stopped in the middle of a movement, shook her head and mumbled something under her breath, just to grab another vial instead.

"Well," she said eventually and straightened herself, carefully watched by a dozen worried pairs of eyes. "That's all I can do for now. He'll hopefully get more stable, the wounds will need some time. But the shoulder is...complicated. Here, you have to treat the wound with this every hour."

"Can we move him?" asked one of the Werewolves while Remus took the tincture from Poppy.

"No, better wait a while. He has to rest as much as possible, he's just too weak. Maybe we'll be able to take him to the castle the day after tomorrow, maybe he'll already feel better by then. I don't know...I can only compare him with you, Remus...but you were still a kid. Send me a patronus if you need me."

Remus made a move to follow her out the tent but Madame Pomfrey quickly held him back by touching his arm.

"Don't, Hagrid will bring me back. You should stay. Look after your own wounds; I left enough tincture for all of you. Chin up, boy. Nothing's been settled yet," she said with a mild smile and left the tent.

With exhaustion flooding his body again, Remus sat down by Ben's side and buried his face in his hands...

.

Dumbledore was looking out of the window when Poppy entered his office. His eyes were locked on the top of the trees waving around in the wind like a black sea.

"How is he, Poppy?" asked Dumbledore right away and turned around to her.

"Not good. He's got dozens of wounds. They had to remove an arrow from his shoulder. I treated his wounds and gave him something against the fever," explained Madame Pomfrey.

"An arrow, you say?" said Dumbledore with a hint of suspicion lingering in his voice.

"Yes," she replied and the headmaster nodded thoughtfully.

"Thank you for your help, Poppy," said Dumbledore smiling and Madame Pomfrey left the room again with a soft click of the door.

.

A few minutes later, Sirius and Tonks jumped from their seats as a silver Pheonix appeared in the living room of number 12 and started to talk with Dumbledore's voice.

"Ben is still instable. Poppy treated him, but she's not sure how fast he'll recover. Remus and the others are with him. Try not to worry too much and let's hope for the best."

"It's something," growled Sirius gloomily and squeezed Tonks' shoulder.

"He'll get better soon. He's tougher than he looks. You'll get your chance, Sirius," whispered Tonks and hit the bullseye.

.

It still took a few days and many fearful hours, but eventually Ben's condition improved. The wounds started to heal and the fever had disappeared. His shoulder, however, was still hurting like hell and the wound the arrow had cut into his flesh didn't want to heal as quickly either.

"You removed _that_ from my shoulder?" asked Ben with wide eyes and he nearly choked on his soup as they showed him the arrow. The others sitting around him chuckled lightly at his shocked expression.

"We had to do it," said Remus smiling and placed the broken arrow on the table.

"But...if I had an arrow in my shoulder...what did I do that night, guys?" asked Ben and at the sudden realisation all colour drained from his features.

"We simply don't know. But the Centaurs didn't show themselves yet. So I guess it wasn't too serious, unless they would've already overrun us by now. So don't worry," said Remus. "I guess we'll never know what happened, unless your memory returns that is."

And Remus would end up being right.

.

The winter took over Britain and Remus and Ben still didn't show up at the Order meetings. They knew that the others knew that Ben was out of danger again, so that didn't draw them to number 12 either. But there were other reasons, too.

For Remus it was Tonks and for Ben it had become Sirius.

They even spent Christmas at the camp with the others, even though Molly had tried to convince them to come to the Burrow via Dumbledore several times.

And so the New Year came without the Werewolves taking further notice of it.

Tonks, however, more and more shut herself away.

When Remus had stormed into the kitchen weeks ago, her heart had skipped a beat at first, only to be covered by this all too familiar, dark cloud again seconds later. She slept, worked and went to bed again while her hair colour never changed from the dull mousy brown.

It nearly broke Sirius' heart to see her like that and find Umbridge's ugly, triumphant face in the Daily Prophet at the same time. And so, on a grey February morning, he made his decision and left Grimmauldplace with a very special destination.

.

The snow crunched under his feet as Sirius apparated next to a rundown shack. He looked around for a few seconds before he morphed into the big black dog and trotted away.

A strange mix of happiness and wistfulness filled his heart as he saw the castle in the distance and the familiar smell of mossy forest ground filled his nose. His padded feet carried him deeper and deeper into the forest, leaving big paw prints in the snow.

From time to time he lifted his nose to follow the track leading his way. After about fifteen minutes, he saw it: a camp with two dark red tents shining from the inside with warm light. The dog slowly walked towards the entrance of the tent, which smelled so familiar like Remus.

The men were all sitting at a long table which took in almost all of the surprisingly spacious room. The humming voices immediately ceased as they looked at the dog; some of them even grabbed their wands. But then one man rose from his seat and rounded the table with a few quick steps.

"Sirius? What are you doing here?!" asked Remus confused and gestured the others to lower their wands again.

Sirius morphed back into his human form and quickly glanced around the room. A dozen unknown faces were looking back at him with suspicion. He only recognized one of them and his eyes lingered on him a little longer before he turned to Remus again.

With an incredulous expression on his face, Ben stared at the dark-eyed man in front of him. He hadn't seen him since the kiss and he was everything but prepared for such a sudden reunion. Confused and ashamed, he realized the burning warmth on his cheeks and quickly lowered his eyes to the wooden table again.

"We need to talk, Remus...in private," said Sirius in a low voice and nodded toward the tent's entrance.

"Sure," replied Remus and followed him outside.

.

"What's wrong? Did something-" said Remus with worry in his eyes.

"No, don't worry...no incidents. And it's actually nothing new what I came here for, Remus. It's about Tonks," explained Sirius with a serious look as he crossed his arms in front of his chest.

Remus exhaled deeply before he looked up again.

"I didn't come here for me, Remus. I know that you have to be careful. I know that you only want her best and I know that you made your decision," said Sirius and Remus looked at him with a puzzled frown.

No lecture about the huge mistake he was making?

"I'm here because of her. She's getting worse...hardly eating, always hiding in her room sleeping if she's not doing overtime. She's suffering because she loves you and we know exactly that you still love her. I can't stand it any longer...she loves you so much and she's constantly hovering between fear, sadness and anger. It's destroying her," said Sirius quietly and his voice changed into a softer tone. "Moony...you're suffering just like her, I can see that. You still love her; you couldn't deny it when she asked you to. I know the situation is difficult and dangerous...And I'm not expecting you to come up with a solution, Moony, but I simply don't know what to do anymore. Tonks is ready to fight for your relationship. Everything you have to do is accept that. I know it would make you both happy...and there's nothing more important these days, don't you think? War is around the corner, Remus...I don't want you to regret anything."

"Neither do I...and no matter what I do, I'll end up regretting things. I know that I'm making her suffer and, believe me, this hurts me more than anything else. But if I...come back, then I'll regret endangering and damaging her, because that's exactly what would happen. Padfoot, the risk of her losing her job...being placed on the same level as _us_ and destroying her whole future is just too high. If I stay here, I'll only regret quitting our relationship and hurting her. She could find somebody who's not a social risk, who can offer her a safe future. If our situation changes one day and she already left me behind, then I'll have to live with it. But I don't want her to run right into a trap. And as long as I can affect it, I'll do it. I'm sorry, Padfoot...believe me. Maybe someday it will get better...easier," said Remus sadly.

"Yes, maybe..." mumbled Sirius disappointed.

But if he was being honest, he hadn't expected anything else...he even had to admit that Remus was right in some points. Unfortunately this wouldn't make it any easier for Tonks...

"Could you do me a favour and ask Ben to come outside for a minute...there's something I have to tell him," said Sirius.

"Sure..." replied Remus, watched him for a few seconds and disappeared into the tent.

.

Only moments later, Ben stepped outside with his hands in his pockets and blushing cheeks.

"Hey..." he mumbled, unable to think of anything else to say and his lips curved into a horrible parody of a relaxed smile.

"How are you? We were pretty worried about you," said Sirius hesitantly. He couldn't remember when he had been so lost for words before in his life. And Ben's appearance didn't make it any easier. He still looked pretty ragged with old scratches and obviously new scars on the visible parts of his skin.

"I'm okay again...except for the shoulder," mumbled Ben, thankful for the unemotional topic.

"Good, good..." replied Sirius, trying hard to sound casual.

But once the words had left his lips, an awkward silence ensued between them.

"Listen, I only wanted to tell you something. The thing with your apartment, well...when you two come back...no matter when this will be, then of course you can move in with us. Tonks and I would be glad. We miss you...both of you...well...I have to get going, it's getting late," croaked Sirius out.

"Thank you," mumbled Ben quietly and surprised.

"Hm?" said Sirius with a confused look.

"Thank you. I don't know when or if this will happen, but I really appreciate it. See you then, I guess..." said Ben with a shy but honest smile.

"Don't mention it...see you," replied Sirius with relief laced in his voice and returned the smile before he morphed into the dog and ran off into the darkness.

"Are you alright?" sounded Remus' voice from behind Ben and a hand on his shoulder startled him a few minutes later.

"Yes...he just offered me to move in with you, when we...come back," explained Ben saddened.

"See," said Remus, patted his shoulder and gave him a crooked smile.

"Look who's talking," huffed Ben with a smirk and followed him back into the tent.


	11. breeze before the storm

**Hey there, guys! *group hug***

**I hope you all had a nice week and enjoy your weekend :)**

**Just to warn you: this chapter is pretty short, but I thought that it would be better to upload it instead of waiting until I finished the next (much longer) chap. So a short chapter is better than nothing, right? Right?! ;) The ending of this chap might sound like a cliffhanger, but if you think about it you'll be able to guess what will happen in the next chapter.**

**Anyway, I hope you enjoy it and I promise to do my best so I can upload the next chapter as soon as possible. At the same time I'm a bit nervous because I'm slowly approaching the end of my chapter-reserves. So in a few chapters, I won't just have to translate, but write the whole chapter first. So please bear with me if the uploads will take a little longer in the future :3**

**Thank you all very much for your support and your lovely reviews. I'm really glad you stayed with this story even though it left the canon-highway pretty early on ;) *offering thank-you-chocolate***

***preparing hot tea and garlic rolls for everyone***

**xo PablosGirl**

**PS: The reply section is pretty long this time, sorry! So just skip over it if you don't want to read it :)**

Is A Bell X3: Thank you very much for your review :) Well, you just held the most perfect annoyed mother speech with crossing the line and taking me home and all that ;) I'm only 21, so I'm not sure if I'm older. But I guess there are just a few years seperating us one way or the other, so the mother-daughter-thing would be a bit difficult, you're right ;) Maybe it won't be that long until Remus and Tonks get back together *wink wink* But I'm afraid there's still a lot of trouble and hurt feelings in Berius' way...anyway, enjoy the chapter and as I said: I promise to upload the next chap as soon as I can :)

remusdora: Thank you very much for your feedback :) I'm glad you enjoyed the cliffhanger-free chap ;) After all, I'm not that cruel, so Remus and Tonks will soon be reunited, just like they were in the book. This whole Remus-lives-in-the-forest-with-his-pack-to-avoid-Tonks-thing is my way of "using" the time during the sixth book when Tonks was so sad and depressed. In my story Remus and Tonks are already a couple long before all this happens and eventually brings them together in the books. So I had to come up with something if I didn't want to completely ignore the canonical timeline. :) Anyway, thank you for the cheese and chocolate! *grateful bark from Pablo* Enjoy the chap!

Moewe: Oh dear, this is going to be a looong reply ;) How about we both stop worrying about being impolite and forget about apologizing, unless we'll still be here in a few years..."I'm sorry, I didn't mean it!" "No, I'm sorry, I didn't mean it!" "No, really, I'm the one who has to apologize." And the tale told that they're still sitting there, apologizing and apologizing and apologizing... But I guess that's just a trait of very intelligent, nice and awesome people...*cough cough* ;) All praise the glorious Salad King! Hu ha! Thank you, I know, it's nothing to be sorry about if you're sick and unable to upload. And yet I somehow felt bad about it because I know how it is to wait for a story to be continued...especially after a mean cliffhanger. About your question: I think you got that line rigth. I wanted Remus to sound somehow sarcastic because, just like you said, he's pretty much f***ed up his own life. So he wouldn't be the one to give clever advise in that position so instead he just tries to cheer Ben up with his sarcasm. I'm afraid that didn't get across that well, but it's good you asked :) About Sirius' line: you're right, he was in his early twenties, before the Potters were killed. So this was the last time in his life when he felt something like being in love or feeling more than friendship for somebody. I don't have anybody in particular in mind, but I guess there were some girls he had feelings for but he just wasn't the type for a long, serious relationship. Does that clear it up a little bit? :) Oh, I know the "Gummipunkt". It was one of these child-words we had in school. Like "Bleier" for "Bleistift" or "Raditzefummel" for "Radierer".

On to the second review! (God...thsi is going to be longer than my ridiculous mini-chapter...)

I'm afraid we won't find out what happened that night. At least I didn't plan for Ben's memory to come back. But what I imagined was that he approached the borders of the centaurs' territory and so one of the more "liberal" centaurs shot him as a warning. Thank you very much, I'm glad you liked the way I structured the last chap :) Oh, dilemma is really a great word for their situation! Winegums, yay! :) I think I'd never dare to try Bertie Botts Beans. But there's something even more evil you can buy: there's a package of Jelly Beans with only a few colours in them, but the trick is that every colour comes in two different flavours. One normal flavour and one disgusting one. You can't distinguish them so it's kind of a russian roulette...chocolate pudding or dog food...hmm, yummy. ;) Anyway, I'll leave you with this beautiful idea of dog-food-flavoures jelly beans and hope you enjoy the chap! :)

* * *

Days grew into weeks and weeks into months. Ben and Remus were still keeping away from the Order meetings.

At Grimmauldplace, the same silent, gloomy atmosphere still reigned over the dark house.

Sirius often wandered through the empty house while Tonks was working overtime again, searching for some spots he hadn't cleaned up and refurbished yet. One day, he turned his hand to one of the guest rooms, the one Ben had occupied over a year ago. Sirius took one last deep breath and pressed the door handle down.

Small clouds of dust emerged from the cracking wooden floor as Sirius took a few steps into the room. He slowly walked up to the window; the dust and smog of the city had turned the glass blunt and dirty. With an effortless whisk of his wand, Sirius cleaned the window and turned around again.

He carefully padded the dark green cover on the bed, causing a surprisingly big dust cloud to rise, and he quickly drew back coughing. A cynical smirk flashed his lips as he thought about what a sight he must've been.

When he had finished cleaning the room a while later, Sirius flopped down onto the bed with a content sigh and looked around:

The March sun was shining through the clear window and the dark floor was shining dust-free again...one could almost think it was inviting and comfortable if it weren't for the empty shelves on the wall without a single book inhabiting them or the empty closet where no freshly washed clothes waited to be worn.

Would Ben ever return to this room at all?

Sirius quickly forbad himself the question. Instead a crooked smile flashed his lips as he thought of the moment when he had learned that Remus would move into this hellhole with him.

He had always made it much more bearable for him to be here again and chased the dark shadows of his childhood away from the rooms as soon as he entered them...even before most of his family's heirloom and memorabilia had fallen victim to Molly and her rage for cleaning.

Maybe Remus would return sooner than they thought, maybe soon everything would get better...

.

Unfortunately the recent Order meetings had told a different story. The Ministry undertook more and more safety measures; anyone who seemed only slightly suspicious was arrested. On top of that, the calls to close Hogwarts before the end of the term and to dismiss Dumbledore were growing ever louder.

But at the moment, the headmaster seemed to be occupied with different problems he didn't really let the Order members in on. They only knew that it had something to do with Harry and a task of highest importance. That's all he had told them and it worried and angered Sirius at the same time, that he even excluded him as Harry's godfather.

.

One sunny March morning, not far from the castle walls of Hogwarts, deep in the Forbidden Forest, a completely different problem emerged. The pack around Remus and Ben was sitting around the campfire in front of their tents, discussing the current situation, when suddenly a branch snapped only a few metres away. All men were immediately on their feet, pointing their wands in the direction of the startling sound.

"Who is there?" called Remus firmly.

No answer, only the quiet rustling of bushes...

"Stop! Who are you?" called Remus more vigorously.

The bushes rustled once again and a young man, only about 18 years old, stepped into the small clearing with his hands held up over his head.

"Ryan?" asked Ben confused and lowered his wand.

Remus, however, kept his wand pointed at him as he slowly and threateningly approached the young man until only about two metres separated them.

"What are you doing here?" growled Remus at the scared, pale boy.

"Please...I need your help," Ryan croaked out shivering. "I...I'm not a spy, please!"

"Come here," commanded Remus and the boy obeyed with trembling hands.

"Veritas," said Remus quietly with his wand pointed at Ryan's throat.

"Remus, do you really think this is necessary?" asked one of the other men nervously.

"Don't worry...this is harmless compared to my welcome party. And he's right to do it," replied Ben and thought back to his interrogation.

"Are you a spy of Greyback or Voldemort?" asked Remus unmoved.

"No," answered Ryan and his eyes widened as he realized that the words had left his lips on their own.

"Then why are you here?" asked Remus a bit softer.

"I need help. They're hunting me. They wanted me to kidnap a child...to infect it. So I ran away," replied Ryan intimidated.

"How did you find us? How did you know where we are?" asked Remus firmly, ignoring the nervous mumbling behind his back.

"I didn't...I simply ran away and wanted to reach Hogwarts. I once heard that it's the safest place in Britain. I just roved around until I heard howls on full moon. I didn't know it was you. But I had nothing to lose so I went deeper into the forest. It was a shot in the dark, really...", explained Ryan, still under the spell's influence.

"Finite," said Remus and eyed him for a few seconds before he lowered his wand. "Come with me."

"Thank you..." croaked Ryan out and followed the men into the camp.

.

After they had provided him with some food and a warm shower, they decided to ask him about Greyback. They all sat down at the long table, all eyes on the intimidated boy, until Remus eventually raised his voice.

"What has happened since we left? What is Greyback planning, what is he up to?" asked Remus directly.

"He's recruiting...he won over almost two dozen Werewolves from other parts of the country; small packs which used to be neutral and only cared for themselves. On full moon, he sends us out to hunt...to kidnap children. There are two new ones...the others didn't...make it. There's barely anyone left who disagrees with him and if they do they wisely keep quiet. I just couldn't stay any longer. And I regret not following you in the first place. Now I'm fair game...for everyone," said Ryan quietly and looked down on his hands.

"We'll have to get you registered, Ryan. To get rid of at least one hunter. You can stay. But you'll have to follow our rules. Nobody leaves the camp after dark, especially not alone. You will take the wolfsbane potion, I'll explain later...get some rest first. I'll take you to the Ministry tomorrow," replied Remus reassuringly.

Ryan swallowed hard, nodded and left into his room.

.

The same evening, Remus made his way to the castle. When he reached the portal, a familiar face stopped him.

"Remus...what are you doing here at so late an hour?" asked Kingsley, who had guard duty that night.

"I have to talk to Dumbledore. It's urgent. Can you bring me to him?" asked Remus and was glad to have met him instead of some random, ill-humoured Auror.

"Sure, come on," said Kingsley nodding and lead him into the castle.

On their way to the headmaster's office they passed several groups of students who eyed them warily. But to Remus' relief, they were only first and second years, so no one recognized him as their old teacher...

When Remus entered Dumbledore's office a few minutes later, the headmaster welcomed him with a warm smile while he quickly hid his hand in his robes.

"Remus, good to see you! What can I do for you?" asked the headmaster and offered him a seat.

For a few seconds, Remus felt like a school boy again. How often he had sat here with James, Sirius and Peter after one of their bigger pranks...But he quickly shook his nostalgia off and looked up into those twinkling, light-blue eyes.

He told him about Ryan's arrival and everything he had told them about Greyback. When he had finished, Dumbledore leant back in his chair with a serious, thoughtful expression across his face.

"That's all we know, Albus...but it sounds bad. It's serious," said Remus quietly.

"I know...unfortunately there's nothing we can do about it right now. You're already doing more than enough, Remus. I'm just starting to worry that you might forget about yourself..." said Dumbledore and watched him over his half-moon-glasses.

"I'm not sure I understand..." replied Remus reluctantly.

"I'm pretty sure you do, Remus. You know how important it is to have people by your side, who support you, especially these days. You experienced the first war and you've been alone for quite a while afterwards."

"No need to remind me, my memory is still pretty good," replied Remus almost whispering. "And I also know when it's time to wait for better times instead of pulling the rug from under those who support me."

"But that's exactly what you're doing at the moment, Remus," said Dumbledore with a mild smile and Remus looked out the window to the Forbidden Forest, clenching his teeth.

"All I want to say is that you should carefully distinguish between making a sacrifice and making a mistake. Love can do wonders in the darkest times, Remus. And there are dark times in store for us, that's beyond question. Don't forget about that," said Dumbledore with quiet sadness laced in his voice. "If that's all you wanted to tell me, then don't let me keep you, you're free to go."

Remus nodded silently and walked to the door where he turned around again.

"Thank you," he said and left the office.

The next weeks flew by just like the ones before had...until one fateful evening would shake, not only the Order members', but the whole wizarding community's faith and hope.


	12. the end

**Hello everyone! *group hug***

**I hope you all had a great start into the week and maybe I can make these awful memories of monday go away with a new chapter...ugh, mondays. ;) **

**As I already told you, this chapter is very important for the whole story and is somehow a turning point as well. On top of that it's one of my favourite chapter of the whole story, so I'm really curious about your reactions. Leave a review and make my day...do it, just to see how it feels ;) No, seriously, I really appreciate any feedback, especially for the important chapters like this one. So let your fingers fly over the keyboard and leave me some nice little lines :) **

**This chapter is also pretty long, so this makes up for the last, lousily short chapter, I guess. It gets a bit sappy towards the end, but you'll finally get what you've been waiting for (at least one thing). There's a little annotation towards the end with a little grammar question following the chapter. So if you're a native speaker or simply more clever than me, feel free to give me some advice...you know where you could incorporate such advice? Right! In a review! *throwing glitter everywhere* Too much? Okay...but you get the message, rigth? ;) **

**As always, I want to thank everyone who (still) reads this story and especially those of you who write those lovely reviews! Thank you so much for your support and your interest in my story. Writing this is so much fun, I really enjoy translating it and you're the ones who make it worth writing for in the first place. *hugs***

**So, without further ado: enjoy the chapter!**

***preparing hot chocolate and homemade muffins***

**xo PablosGirl**

**PS: don't be scared by the chapter's title. It's not the story's end.**

Moewe: Thank you very much once again for this lovely review :) I'm glad we dropped the apology-tennis, but I think I could get used to this compliment/self-adulation-tennis... ;) "night is darkest just before the dawn"...did you ever listen to the same song over and over again until you're sick of it? That's what I'm currently doing to "Shake it out" by Florence and the Machine. This song contains the beautiful line "It's always darkest before the dawn". Just lovely...and it somehow reminds me of what Ben was/is/will be going through in my story. Anyway, I'm starting to ramble again. Oh, I'm sure Pablo would love those jelly beans :) But then again, he loves almost anything edible...and some less edible things as well. But that's another , I hope you enjoy this chapter as well! :)

danadanaBATMAN: I just saw that I didn't reply to your last review. I'm sorry! Here, have some extra chocolate! *offers selection of finest german chocolate* Thank you very much for your reviews, I'm always thankful for your feedback :) And don't worry about not reviewing from time to time. I'm just happy you still read and enjoy my story :) I hope you enjoy this chapter as well! Let me know what you think about it! :)

* * *

The Order members were all absorbed in their own daily routines until suddenly a silver, foggy cat appeared out of nowhere and burst their bubble.

Kingsley was sitting in his office, brooding over a huge pile of reports he still had to finish today and racking his brain about how to save Remus' job.

The critique about his employment and the calls for dismissing him as soon as possible grew ever louder. A Werewolf had no place in the Ministry...what was Shacklebolt up to anyway, hiring a Werewolf?

With a long sigh, Kingsley rubbed his eyes and flinched as he opened them again and spotted the patronus-cat sitting on his desk in front of him.

.

A few corridors away, Arthur Weasley was struggling with a report about jinxed Muggle-toilets.

"Who would do something like this? Toilet bowl fountains, tss..." he mumbled when something caught his attention in the corner of his eye.

"By Merlin's..." he whispered as he saw the silver cat, not knowing that his wife at the Burrow had said exactly the same words.

"What's wrong?" asked Bill nervously and stepped into the kitchen, where he found his pale-white mother.

.

At Grimmauldplace, Sirius and Tonks were sitting in the kitchen, eating their lunch in silence. When he couldn't take the silence anymore, Sirius opened his mouth to tell her that Remus would soon collect his wits, realize that he made a mistake and how much they needed each other, especially these days.

But he didn't get the chance to speak the words, because right at that moment, the silver cat appeared out of thin air, sat down on the table and started to speak with McGonagall's voice like it did in several places around London at that moment.

"Dumbledore asked me to contact you. He needs you in Hogwarts right now. The corridors have to be guarded. Don't ask me why, I don't know it myself. Hurry up, it's urgent. I'll expect you at the portal," spoke Minerva's voice seriously and the silver cat dissolved into thin air before their eyes.

"Come on," said Tonks and they hurried out of the old house like all the other Order members all around London.

.

Tensed up, with her thin lips pressed together in a straight line, McGonagall stood at the castle's portal, looking over Hogwards' grounds. The dark, almost black trees of the Forbidden Forest caught her eyes and she let out a tired sigh.

She hadn't sent a Patronus to Remus and Ben...the risk was just too high if anyone from the Ministry might see them at the castle. And no matter how hard it was for the usually resolute teacher...Dumbledore was right. They couldn't and didn't want to endanger Remus and Ben...even though the two Werewolves would have thought different about it.

Within a few minutes, the Order member arrived at the portal.

"What's going on?" asked Kingsley immediately.

"I don't know. Albus wants you to guard the corridors, that's all I know. Come on," said McGonagall seriously and Sirius and Tonks exchanged a worried glance.

They slowly split up into the corridors where they nervously, and still clueless, walked up and down. At first, everything seemed perfectly quiet. There were no students walking around and they didn't even meet Peeves, which worried Sirius even more.

Then suddenly, when the sun had almost set, things started to happen very fast.

They heard voices, curses hitting the stone walls and the patter of feet. When Sirius and the others followed the noise, they ended up in a corridor filled with thick, black smoke. They were still coughing and trying to orientate themselves, when someone started firing at them from within the black cloud.

Green and violet curses cut through the thick smoke and then Sirius heard it, heard that familiar, crazy laughter.

Bellatrix.

He immediately started running, dodging the hissing curses and attacking his mad cousin.

"I thought I killed you!" she cackled somewhere in front of him but when Sirius finally left the black cloud again, she was already several metres ahead of him, running around a corner.

And so Sirius darted off.

He eventually found her in a long, straight corridor with several other Deatheaters. They were running towards the Astronomy Tower. Sirius sprinted off but when he finally reached the bottom of the stairs, he crashed hard into an invisible barrier and was thrown back onto the floor.

He jumped to his feet and hurled another curse after them, but it got lost in the magical barrier...He hesitated a few seconds, turned around and ran off to get the others.

.

At the same time, Remus was nervously walking up and down in the main tent. He hadn't been able to find any peace of mind for the last few hours; no matter how hard he tried to relax, he would eventually start pacing about the camp again.

And so he stepped outside once more, let out a long sigh and looked up through the tree tops. But this time, his heart skipped a beat and he felt like he had missed a step on the stairs.

Right above the Astronomy Tower, the Dark Mark rose into the night sky.

"Ben!" he yelled and ran back into the tent.

"What? What happened?" asked Ben confused and jumped to his feet while the others watched Remus curiously and worried.

"There's a Dark Mark above the castle!" replied Remus and clenched his fist around his wand.

"I'll go with you," said Ben grimly and nodded.

"We'll come with you," said one of the other men. "We know the risk, Remus. It's our choice."

"You'll stay here, Ryan. No back talk!" said Ben before they stormed out of the camp.

The Werewolves started to run with their wands in their hands, bound and determined to finally put an end to their passivity.

Remus thoughts, however, were focused on the Dark Mark and what was waiting for them inside the castle, so the drumming sound of their feet merely reached his subconscious.

Hogwarts, one of the safest places on earth, had been attacked.

Those walls, which had been his home for so many years and still radiated this warm feeling of security, had failed their purpose.

Hundreds of children were in danger and Remus quickly suppressed the bloody images forming inside his head.

.

"Tonks!" yelled Sirius when he finally reached the others again.

They had managed to disarm and truss up some of the Deatheaters with magic ropes.

"Sirius! Where did they go?" asked Tonks between two heavy breaths.

Her mousy brown hair was falling into her frowned forehead as she looked at him. All the depression and heartbreak of the last months seemed forgotten for now; this was Nymphadora Tonks, the Auror, standing in front of him.

"They went up the Astronomy Tower. They blocked the stairs with a ban, I couldn't follow them," growled Sirius out of breath.

"They'll have to get down there sometime. They can't disapparate and there's no other way out for them," said Kingsley grimly and the others nodded silently.

After they had caught their breath, the Order members split up again to watch both the Room of Requirement and the stairs to the Astronomy Tower.

Only ten minutes later, they heard the sound of footsteps from the Tower entrance. Ready to attack, the Order members grabbed their wands and watched the other end of the corridor.

After a few seconds, the first curses flew past their heads and the Deatheaters broke through their magic barrier. There were too many of them to stop them with only four people. And so they had to let most of them pass while blocking their curses as they ran after them down the corridor.

"Bill!" yelled Sirius as they followed the Deatheaters through the castle and got closer to the Room of Requirement.

But Bill and the others were already cutting the Deatheaters off. Battle cries echoed through the corridor and the air was filled with the electric buzzing and hissing of curses. It was chaotic and confusing, but Sirius quickly realized that they were slowly moving on...towards the entrance hall.

"They want to reach the portal!" yelled Kingsley into the chaos and the Order members did their best to prevent their escape.

"Sirius, we mustn't let them get away!" called Kingsley through the noise.

"You don't really think you're going to come out of this alive, do you?" cackled Bellatrix Lestrange in a shrill tone. "Just like Dumbledore!"

For a few seconds, the Order members got distracted by her words and the Deatheater grabbed their chance and gained some ground, when suddenly the heavy wooden doors of the portal creaked behind their backs...

.

Remus pushed the portal open and the other Werewolves gathered around him, already blocking the first curses hissing towards them.

Remus caught his breath as he looked around the scene in front of them.

The Order members were desperately trying to defend themselves against a superior number of Deatheaters. And there, in the middle of all this chaos, she was...Tonks. He didn't even recognize her at first. Dark clothes, mousy brown hair...But when Remus' eyes finally broke away from her, they locked with another dark pair which stared back at him in utter disbelief.

"Remus!" yelled Sirius and snapped out of his confusion.

Startled by Sirius' cry, the others turned around as well and now it was the Deatheaters' turn to be confused and distracted. Molly's jaw dropped as she saw them.

The portal was blocked by twelve sturdily built, grimly looking men with determined expressions on their faces, pointing their wands at the Deatheaters, ready to attack any second.

Tonks couldn't believe her eyes, when she saw Ben and Remus standing there. They looked wilder than ever before, the way they were standing there with...yes, with their pack.

Greyback growled angrily, breaking the confused silence and the chaos returned. He dashed off, but not towards Remus...he headed right towards Sirius.

"Stupor!" cried Remus and sprinted between Sirius and Greyback, who was only a few metres away when the spell hit him and threw him back against the wall.

When he got back on his feet again, he stared into Remus' eyes, growled angrily and put away his wand, stretching his clawed hands. But the other Werewolves immediately understood and sprinted to the Order members to guard them from Greyback's ferocious attacks.

By now, the Deatheaters' battle calls and the buzzing of curses was filling the air around them again.

.

Remus and Sirius were duelling back to back when Remus saw how one of his men was hit by a curse and thrown against the wall, leaving Bill on his own. And Greyback was already stalking closer, determined to grab his chance.

"Bill!" yelled Remus and the Weasley turned around...but it was already too late.

Greyback had seized the moment of confusion and darted at the young man.

"No!" growled Remus, drawing the other Werewolves' attention to Greyback.

Only seconds later, several curses hit Greyback at the same time, throwing him off Bill, who was lying on the floor inside a growing puddle of his own blood.

"No!" cried Molly desperately when she saw her son.

On the other side of the hall, Tonks' jaw dropped as she looked at her old school friend.

"Go!" yelled one of the Deatheaters and Voldemort's followers ran outside.

Molly and Arthur hurried over to their son while the Werewolves, followed by Sirius and Kingsley, took up the chase.

Colourful flashes illuminated the night as they ran after the Deatheaters. They were only metres away from the edge of the apparition bans, when Bellatrix turned around and hurled a curse towards Hagrid's hut, which burst into flames only seconds later.

Ben and Kingsley immediately turned around to help Hagrid who had just appeared from the Forbidden Forest.

"Fuck!" yelled Sirius furiously and hurled one last, angry curse into the air where the last Deatheater had just disappeared with a loud plop-sound.

Remus just stood there for a few seconds while Molly's cries and sobs echoed in his head.

Bill!

Without another word he turned around and ran back towards the castle. But when he reached the entrance hall, he found it empty. A big puddle of blood was the only thing left...

.

A few moments later, Sirius, Ben and Kingsley appeared by his side.

"Let's go and check on the others," mumbled Sirius as he placed his hand on Remus' shoulder.

And so the four men silently entered the hospital wing where Madame Pomfrey was bustling about behind a closed curtain. The atmosphere was tensed to breaking point; only the quiet cling-cling noises of Poppy's vials and bottles broke the silence. Minutes felt like hours and so Remus' eyes slowly wandered around the room.

Kingsley had crossed his arms in front of his chest and looked out of the window with a serious expression across his face.

Sirius was clenching his teeth and avoided any eye contact whatsoever.

Arthur and Molly seemed to help Poppy patching up Bill behind the curtain.

He couldn't spot Minerva anywhere around...

And then he saw her. Small and lost in her suddenly way too big cloak, she was standing in a corner, chewing on her lower lip. Remus didn't know how long he had been staring at her when suddenly her brown eyes pierced his.

He flinched and wanted to avert his eyes when the doors flung open and Minerva entered the hospital wing. Her lips were pressed together into a thin line, even thinner than ever before, and her eyes were suspiciously reddened.

"Minerva?" asked Kingsley with his calm, deep voice.

"Albus...he's...Dumbledore is dead," she croaked out and blew her nose with her tartan handkerchief.

"What?!" called Sirius immediately.

"No!" added Remus bewildered and took a few steps back.

Big tears were running down Tonks' cheeks, leaving wet traces on her skin, Ben was clenching his teeth and stared down on the floor and Kingsley's eyes got lost in the distance outside the window.

"He returned from a mission with Harry," answered McGonagall the unasked question hanging in the air.

At the sound of Harry's name, Sirius head immediately turned around again.

"We found Harry on the Astronomy Tower, he had been stunned...he said that...Severus did it. Draco Malfoy wanted to kill him...but then Severus did it instead," explained Minerva quietly.

"Where is Harry?" asked Sirius.

"He's in my office. Hermione Granger and Ronald Weasley are with him. I think it would be the best if you go see him as soon as possible," replied McGonagall.

Right at that moment, the curtains were drawn around Bill's bed and Poppy appeared, blowing her nose and stifling a sob.

"Here, Molly. Put this on the cuts," she said and gave Molly a cotton ball and a vial with orange tincture.

"I can do dis," sounded another voice and a blonde mane flew past them.

"No, you won't. I'm his mother, I have to look after him. My poor boy, now you won't want him anymore," whined Molly and wanted to take the vial back from Fleur's hands.

"What?!" asked the young woman furiously and stared back at the Weasley mother. "I love 'im! What do you think about me? That I'll leave 'im, just because of a few scratch'es? Pah! We 'ave a daughter! We are engaged! He may have a few scars, so what?"

"Who says that it's only going to be _a few scars_?! Greyback attacked him! Not even Poppy knows what is going to happen!" replied Molly and within seconds all eyes were on Remus and Ben.

"I...I never heard of something like that before, but Greyback was in his human form...he couldn't have infected Bill...but Greyback has merged with the beast inside of him so much that Bill might change a bit anyway," explained Remus and hurried to keep talking as he saw Molly's bewildered expression. "Nothing serious, of course! He might be a bit more feisty around full-moon...or crave raw meat. That's all."

Arthur, Molly and Fleur drew a relived breath and looked at him with a thankful expression.

.

"She still wants him, no matter what happened to him. She doesn't care!" sounded a low voice from behind his back and a cold shiver ran down Remus' back as he realized that it belonged to Tonks.

"What?" he asked without thinking and slowly turned around to her.

"She doesn't care. She doesn't care what he is, Remus! Because she loves him! Why can't you understand this?" said Tonks more firmly and looked up at him with furiously sparkling eyes.

By now, everyone was watching them.

"It's not the same...and you know that. He's not a beast," said Remus and lowered his voice which made it almost sound like a growl.

"Remus, how many times do I have to tell you this? I don't care! I don't care what everyone else says. I don't care that you turn into a wolf once a month! And you know that very well!" she hissed as tears of despair filled her eyes to run down her cheeks only seconds later.

"Tonks..." said Remus but she interrupted him.

"I'll ask you again. Say that you don't love me. Say it and look into my eyes and I'll leave you alone once and for all," said Tonks quietly, almost whispering, and looked up into his eyes.

Remus just stood there, with slouched shoulders and unable to look at the picture of misery in front of him, knowing that he was the one causing it.

"This is not the time to talk about that...Dumbledore is dead," he said slowly, still avoiding her eyes.

"Dumbledore would have been glad about your love, especially these days...you know that, Remus," said Minerva in a soft, sad tone and Remus' closed his eyes in despair.

The sound of footsteps told him that Tonks had left and when he opened his eyes again only seconds later, she was indeed gone.

"Remus?!" said Ben incredulously and took a powerless step towards him.

"Moony...please," whispered Sirius behind him.

"Remus...follow her, don't let her go like that! I know that you love her. Don't do that to you, not any longer. Come on, go!" said Molly and Remus looked into her soft and yet worried eyes.

.

And then, suddenly, a switch flipped in his head and, from one second to the next, he started to run. He stormed out of the hospital wing, following the fading sound of her footsteps.

When he ran around a corner, he finally saw her.

"Tonks!" he yelled after her, but she didn't stop or turn around; she just kept walking down the empty corridor.

"Tonks!" he called again, following her in a tired trot, but she still didn't stop.

What had he done? How could he persuade himself into thinking that it would be better this way over all these months? His eyes started to burn suspiciously as the realization hit him; he might not be able to fix this...

"Dora..." he said powerlessly and stopped dead in his tracks.

And so did she.

Without turning around or even looking back, she had stopped and Remus couldn't believe his eyes for a few seconds. Breathing heavily, he hurried over to her until he was standing right behind her. He hesitantly placed his hand on her shoulder and turned her around.

Her sight almost broke his heart.

Her eyes were tearstained, her cheeks full of shining, salty tracks and her whole face was framed by mousy-brown, lifeless hair.

"Give me one reason why I should listen to you," she whispered after he had just stared at her for a few moments.

_Because I've been an idiotic asshole. Because I love you more than I can take. Because I've made a huge mistake. I actually don't even deserve that you listen to me..._

Remus didn't say a word.

He just cupped her face with his hands, tilted it towards his own and gently pressed his lips against hers. The kiss was hesitant, almost shy and observant, and he could taste the salt on her skin. But when she still didn't move or react, a sudden, sharp pain stung Remus' stomach.

_I screwed it up for good..._

He desperately tried to fight the tears back while still refusing to break the kiss.

And then he suddenly felt her hands on his chest.

They slipped into his coat and gently and warmly stroked over his shirt. Tonks was leaning against him, carefully returning the kiss while her tears mingled with his on their cheeks. Torn apart between sheer despair and pure bliss, Remus wrapped his arms around her and pulled her closer without breaking the kiss for a second.

He could see mousy-brown turn into soft pink in the corner of his eye and reluctantly pulled away to look at her. Without a single word, he just watched her for a few seconds.

"I can't tell you why you should forgive me. It was a huge mistake to leave you...I'm so sorry, Dora...I can't even describe how much I regret it. I know the risks...but I love you and I can't go on without you. I know that now," whispered Remus.

"I don't know why I should forgive you, either. You broke my heart, Remus," she whispered back and Remus closed his eyes, waiting for her to push him away.

"But I love you too much to do anything else. Just promise me you'll never ever leave me again."

"I promise," he said seriously as he looked into her eyes.

"Never again?" she asked and tears started to fill her eyes.

"Never," he said and a smile spread across his lips as he pulled her into his arms.

"Dumbledore's dead," she mumbled into his shirt which soaked up her tears.

"I know," he said hoarsely and pressed a kiss on her hair.

.

In the meantime, Sirius had gone to McGonagall's office to keep Harry company.

Ben was alone as he stepped through the portal into the cold night air.

The dark mark had vanished from the astronomy tower, Hagrid's hut was completely intact again...nothing showed any evidence of last hours' chaos which had scarred all of them in some way.

Albus Dumbledore was dead. Killed by one they all had trusted. Deatheaters had managed to break into Hogwarts. Bill Weasley had been attacked by Greyback. Had Remus managed to catch up on Tonks? Ben could only hope he had...

And now he was standing here in the cold, the hood of his coat pulled over his face, doing the maths of what he had left.

No job, no home. Chaos reigned over his heart and the future looked even darker now that Dumbledore was gone.

He took a deep breath and looked at his watch. It was almost three in the morning.

"Hey..." sounded a familiar voice from behind his back and Ben turned around.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to startle you," mumbled Sirius as he stepped next to him.

But Ben just shook his head and looked back at the forest.

"How's Harry?" he asked after a while.

"As good as can be expected under the circumstances," replied Sirius. "What about you, are you alright? You didn't let Poppy patch you up."

"Because there's nothing to be patched up," said Ben, shrugged his aching shoulders and a small smirk flashed his lips; he blushed as he saw Sirius returning the smile.

"I still can't believe it. Dumbledore's dead..." whispered Sirius as the casual moment had quickly faded away again.

But the sound of footsteps behind them made them turn around the next second. Remus walked up to them, a sad smile on his face.

"Where's Tonks?" asked Ben immediately with worried suspicion laced in his voice.

"At the hospital wing. She wanted to check on Bill, she was worried about him," explained Remus.

"Which means..." pressed Sirius and watched him carefully.

"Yes...it's all...you know, it's never going to be the same again. But at least we have us again," said Remus with a rueful smile.

"Thank Merlin! Remus, you're the biggest idiot I've ever met. An idiot with values and morals, but-" said Sirius.

"An idiot nonetheless, I know Padfoot," finished Remus his sentence. "What's going to happen with Hogwarts now?"

"Minerva will fight for it. She's the headmistress, after all. The Ministry's already informed about everything. They probably already printed the Prophet's special edition. The funeral will be tomorrow morning," explained Sirius, who had had enough time to speak with McGonagall.

And so the three men just stood there in silence for a while, looking into the darkness, before they returned into the castle where they would spend the rest of the night until Dumbledore's burial.

.

They conjured a dozen beds in the great hall for the Order members, but only few of them found the peace to sleep or were too exhausted to stay awake.

Remus was sitting on one of the beds, leaning against the headboard while dwelling on thoughts, and gently stroked Tonks' pink haired head which was resting on his lap. The battle and the emotional turmoil had exhausted her too much and so she had eventually fallen asleep.

The hall's ceiling showed a dark blue sky, scattered with countless stars.

How often had he walked these corridors, sat in this hall, filling his belly with James, Peter and Sirius, unable to even imagine that this place might fall victim to something evil one day.

Dumbledore was gone, the safe walls of his former home seemed to have fallen and yet there were three people in this room who, even now, managed to conjure a smile on his lips...


	13. homecoming

**Hey there everyone! *group hug* **

**So, how is everyone doing? I know, it's been two weeks since the last update...again. But what can I say? Real life hit me again ;) **

**Anyway, I think I can make it up to you with this extra long chapter. Okay, it might not be the most light-hearted one, but there are a few adorably awkward Ben/Sirius scenes in it. I really hope that you enjoy it and I would be more than thankful for any kind of review or feedback. :3**

**Fanfiction-suggestion of the day: "Pink" by dontstealmyvitaminies **

**It's hard for me as a non-native-speaker to describe my impression of this long oneshot properly. It's actually a rather depressing topic, but I loved (!) the way it was written. As far as I remember, the authot is a big fan of "Pride and Prejudice" and I think that you can see that influence in her writing. It's simply beautiful. I somehow felt like reading a poem because her writing is just so vivid and, well, poetic. It really reminded me of reading a classic novel, so it might feel a bit "heavy". But it's absolutely worth reading and I was in awe when I finished it. Oh, and it's about Remus and Tonks of course ;) **

**Long story short: Enjoy the chapter and leave a review! I really appreciate it!**

***prepares chocolate cake and hot tea for everyone* **

**xo PablosGirl**

**PS: I already corrected the "I've ever met"- and "headmistress" mistake in the last chap. Thanks to everyone for the kind advice! :)**

remusdora: Thank you very much for your review! I'm really glad you enjoyed it :) This chapter will focus more on Sirius and Ben, so I hope that you like it ;) I know, it's also hard to write those scenes. I already saved Sirius and I won't kill some other characters, who died in the books, so I had to let Dumbledore die. But Remus and Tonks are back together, so we've got that going for us, which is nice ;) Anyway, have fun reading this chapter!

Guest: Wow, thank you very much for this kind review! I'm glad you enjoyed the chapter! Oh, and since it's your first review, let's not forget about your bribing- err, I mean welcome-chocolate ;) *hands over welcome-chocolate-bar* I'm really happy that you liked the way I wrote these scenes, because I was pretty critical about them myself. Thank you so much for the awesome compliments *blushes* I really enjoy writing/translating this story for you, so I have to thank _you_ for reading it ;) Say hi to your twin sister and a big thank you for introducing you to my story :) I'm glad she likes it so much! I hope you (two) enjoy thsi chapter as well!

Polkadot4946: Aww, thank you so much for your feedback! I'm glad you enjoy my story, especially because you've been following it for so long! :) I guess it's time for your welcome-chocolate-bar. *hands over welcome-chocolate* I'm really relieved that you like that Sirius/Ben idea. Now I'm even more motivated to get them together :) Am I being repetitive if I say thank you for the kind review? ;) I really enjoy writing and translating this story, so I'm the one who has to thank you for reading and reviewing it! I hope you like this chapter as well. Enjoy! PS: I love polka dots :3

danadanaBATMAN: Aww, thank you very much! I'm glad you liked it so much :3 Thank _you_ for reading my story! I hope you like this chapter as well. Enjoy!

Moewe: What can I say...thank you very much once again for this wonderful, long review :) "interpreting too much into the scenes"? Never! :D You know that I love your interpretations and that you share them with me/us! :) I can easily imagine Remus standing in front of the Gryffindors, protecting his cubs, err students, from the big, bad Deatheaters. Don't worry, I won't let Remus and Tonks die in the end. Oh boy, what a huge plot twist this would make ;) If I remember correctly, Rowling even thought about sparing Remus, but she let Arthur live instead and killed Remus. I won't say anything about that, unless I'll just lose myself in a bottomless pit of ranting *grinds teeth* If Arthur ever laid hands on one of these toilets, he'd surely place them in his garden as a decorative foutain or bird bath. ;) I totally agree: Helena Bonham Carter was a great choice for that role. I really like her as an actor. Don't worry, you're always welcome to tell me about my mistakes, it can only improve my writing :) That "piece of mind" is one of my old recurring mistakes. I also used to write "beeing" instead of "being", god knows why...probably because of "been". My English teacher once drew a little bee next to it when he marked my exam ;) Oh, and about that Irish rebel song: I just checked it out and I was really surprised :D Tomorrow is ash wednesday, which means that I've been through six days of cologne carnival with all the uff-tatas and tärätätäääs you can imagine. And I'm really not a fan of it. I know, shame on me as a cologne citizen. But people my age tend to use it as another excuse to get drunk and, in case of the girls, dress as slutty as possible. Much like Halloween in America...Anyway, where was I? Oh yes, the song. Turns out it's a similar, if not the same, melody as in "Echte Fründe" by "The Höhner", which is a classic song in "kölsch" (our local dialect, for all the non-Germans). So I couldn't keep myself from singing other words in me head ;) I hope you enjoy this chapter as well and I'm looking forward to "seeing" you again at the comments sections :)

* * *

The great hall's ceiling slowly changed from black to blue until the sun eventually shined through the windows in the most relentlessly happy and warm way.

Tired and heavyhearted, Remus left the castle with Tonks. Hogwarts had been unusually busy already early in the morning. Remus head, however, was still filled with white noise. He was unable to form a clear thought and yet the certainty of the bitter funeral stuck to the back of his head.

"Ready?" asked Kingsley calmly as they met him in front of the portal.

The Auror gently squeezed Tonks' shoulder while Remus' gaze got lost in the distance above the lake.

Not far from the glistening surface of the lake, dozens of rows of white chairs were arranged in a semicircle, all facing one point: a white marble coffin.

"Come on," mumbled Sirius, who had joined up with them in the meantime, and the four Order members slowly walked across the grass.

Witches and wizards were heading towards the funeral grounds. Crying girls and awkward boys, lead by the houses Heads. Old companions of Dumbledore with sad faces and Wizengamot members. The whole Order was present, taking their seats in the first few rows like the teachers.

Remus looked around and spotted even more familiar faces. Aberforth Dumbledore; his face a sad mask behind his beard. Madame Rosmerta, crying and sobbing into a handkerchief. Geoffry, who looked somehow strange without his usual white coat.

An increasing murmur from the crowd around them snapped him out of his thoughts.

"Remus," whispered Sirius and nodded towards the edge of the forest from where a dozen men were walking towards the funeral party. Many eyes watched them as they followed Ben and quietly sat down with the other mourners.

"Come, it's time," said Kingsley and the three followed him into the second row.

At first, he hadn't noticed it. But when Minerva eventually stood in front of the coffin and the crowd went silent, Tonks couldn't hold back her tears which started to roll down her cheeks only seconds later.

All the sadness and despair of the last months suddenly surfaced. Only when she couldn't keep her shoulders from trembling under her silent sobs, she finally grabbed Remus' hand.

"Come here," he whispered and pulled her closer against his side so her head was resting on his shoulder.

Fighting his own tears, he turned his head and placed a chaste kiss on her hair.

No matter how long and sad the funeral was, the conflict between grief and bliss within him wouldn't stop. He finally had Tonks back, she had given him another chance...Dumbledore was dead, the only man who always seemed to know what to do and what was right...he wouldn't be there to guide their way from now on.

.

And even a few hours later, when they entered the silent Grimmauldplace, Remus heart hadn't come to an understanding with his brain.

He was so tired...the last time he had slept was more than a day ago.

"Go upstairs, Dora. You should get some sleep, okay?" he said and gently steered her towards the stairs.

"What about you?" she asked with tear-stained eyes.

"I'll be with you in a minute, don't worry," he replied and looked after her as she turned around and slowly walked up the stairs.

"Are you alright?" asked Sirius as they entered the kitchen.

"I simply don't know how to feel...or what to think, that's all," said Remus with a sigh.

"Same here. We'll just have to wait until the Order meeting tomorrow. That's all we can do at the moment. I guess we should get some rest first...go, Tonks is waiting for you," said Sirius with a wry smile.

"You sure? I could stay a while if you want me to..." said Remus and stifled a yawn.

"Yes, I'm sure," said Sirius and turned around to make tea.

Remus got the hint and left.

And so Sirius just sat there for a while, gazing into space, until he got up and walked into the living-room where he made a fire and grabbed the firewhisky.

.

Two glasses later, a clicking noise caught his attention and when he turned away from the flames to look at the door, he saw it snap shut and a dark figure walking into the hallways indecisively.

It was Ben.

He was standing in the dark hallway with a big bag over his shoulder, hesitantly looking into the warmly lit living-room. After a few moments, he eventually dropped the obviously heavy bag and slowly walked into the room, biting his lower lip nervously.

"Hey," greeted Sirius with a hoarse voice.

"Hey..." replied Ben almost inaudible but just as huskily.

Sirius had never seen him so gloomy before, but he knew that Ben had every reason to be depressed.

The funeral hadn't left him untouched either. Not to mention the helplessness he felt about the future, the loss of his job and home...

.

"I...um...you offered me to...well, only if the offer still holds, that is," stammered Ben embarrassed.

"What? Oh, yes, of course it does. Come on, I'll bring you upstairs," hurried Sirius to reply, put his glass down and walked past him with an awkward smile.

Ben silently followed him up the stairs and into his old room.

Sirius held the door open for him with a crooked smile and Ben dropped his heavy bag with a dull "thumb". An awkward silence immediately filled the room.

"Welcome back," said Sirius eventually and Ben looked up in surprise.

_Sirius had sounded almost wistfully...like he had been missed. _

"I'll leave you alone so you can unpack your stuff. I'll be downstairs if you need me," said Sirius and closed the door behind him.

As soon as the door had clicked shut, Ben let out a long sigh and looked around the small room. Everything seemed as if he had left it only minutes ago.

With one last look out the window, where the sun had already set, he started to unpack what was left of his household.

But when he opened the wardrobe, he suddenly hesitated.

A single piece was already there and he immediately recognized it as he unfolded it. It was the white shirt he had left in Sirius' room _that morning_.

Sirius had wanted to give it back to him, when...Merlin, it felt like yesterday even though that day was long gone. And yet he had kept it.

A sudden feeling of loneliness overwhelmed him and he quickly started unpacking again.

His whole life in a single bag...it was pathetic.

.

Ten minutes later, he was back at the door to the living-room, where a figure silhouetted against the fire. Ben cleared his throat and entered, rubbing his neck nervously.

"Done with unpacking?" asked Sirius smirking as he looked over the backrest.

His face was covered in worry lines, making him look even more tired than he already was.

"Yes, um...listen, Sirius. I wanted to thank you...I'll only stay until I found something else, don't worry," said Ben quietly, looking at the floor as if it was the most interesting thing in the world.

Sirius could hear that Ben knew exactly how unlikely this was and how much it hurt him.

"No need to thank me...you can stay as long as you like. The more people around, the better," replied Sirius. "So, you...want anything to drink?"

With a frown covering his face, Ben looked up again; first at Sirius and then at the bottle of firewhisky on the coffee table.

"Yes...I could use some," he said hesitantly and eventually sat down at the other end of the sofa.

He took the glass from Sirius, thanked him and took a burning sip while staring into the flames.

And so they sat in silence for a while. Sirius glanced over at him from time to time, but Ben seemed lost in thought, clenching his teeth and gripping his glass firmly.

Then suddenly, he jumped up, startling Sirius, and walked over to the fire to put more wood on it. But instead of returning to the sofa, he walked over to the window, always avoiding Sirius' eyes.

The latter watched him with growing worry, while Ben's hand wandered to his face surprisingly often.

"Ben, are you alright?" asked the Animagus after a few moments and stood up.

"What...err, yes. I'm fine," croaked Ben out and turned around.

His lips were turned into a crooked smile but his eyes were obviously reddened.

"You sure?" asked Sirius although he knew that nothing was _alright_ at the moment.

But Ben already laughed derisively.

"Sure, everything's perfectly fine. I don't have a job or a flat. My future is a mess. Everything's alright..." replied Ben, fighting back the tears filling his eyes.

Sirius quickly put his glass on the table and stepped closer to look in his eyes.

"We're all clueless about the future. But it always turned out alright...well, somehow. We had to learn this during the first war...this is still new for you. Just give yourself some time," said Sirius reassuringly.

"Some time? For what? I lost control of my life, Sirius! All I have left are you guys, even after all the things I screwed up," said Ben upset but his voice slowly died down to sheepish murmur.

"What are you talking about?" asked Sirius, but he thought he knew what Ben meant.

The latter looked even more miserable than before as he started to speak.

"I...I'm sorry for what I did, Sirius...I don't know what got into me. And yet you still invite me to live here...I never meant to upset you...let alone disgust you..." whispered Ben and he couldn't keep a few tears from rolling down his cheeks and into his stubble, no matter how hard he tried.

It stung Sirius to see him that way and before he could think about it, he pulled Ben into a rough hug. The Werewolf just stood there in utter surprise until he finally returned the gesture.

"I'm sorry...I wish I could reverse it," mumbled Ben into Sirius' shoulder.

Sirius had both awaited and feared that moment for a long time.

He squeezed his shoulders one last time and gently pushed him away to look at him.

"Would you still say that, if I told you that it didn't disgust me? That I don't hate or scorn you for it?" said Sirius and watched his reaction.

But the Werewolf just stared back at him like a deer in the headlights.

"What do you mean?" whispered Ben confused.

"I wasn't angry...and I didn't feel disgusted when you...kissed me. That's the only thing that upset me about it the whole time...that I didn't know or understand _why_ it didn't disgust me. Why I didn't push you away or yell at you. Believe me, I'm glad to have you back here because, if I'm being honest, I missed you. Do you really think I would've offered you to move back in, if I hated you?" said Sirius, gathering all the courage he could muster.

"I...so I don't have to feel bad about it? But what-"

"I don't know, Ben...I simply don't know. I don't recognize myself...nothing new after Azkaban, if I'm being honest..." interrupted Sirius.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to...Look, I'll just leave you alone. If you want to find out about it, I'll notice. It's up to you...I...I think I should get some sleep. Thank you...for everything," said Ben with an exhausted and yet honest smile.

He walked into the hallway, leaving an utterly ruffled Sirius behind, who would keep staring into the flames for several hours until his eyes fell shut to make room for his nightmares...

.

The next morning, Remus woke up with the first rays of sunlight shining through the window. He was confused and disorientated for a few seconds as he looked around with sleepy eyes. He was in Tonks' room. But when he made a move to sit up, something, or rather someone, grumbled on his chest.

A pink shock of hair was moving there, snuggling even closer to his body. With a big smile spreading across his face, Remus watched the woman by his side, felt her skin on his own and simply enjoyed the sight of her pink hair.

His stuff was scattered all over the room; books, clothes, parchment...she hadn't put anything away.

He was still stroking her hair absentmindedly when a knock on the door interrupted him.

.

Ben had woken up early as well, taken a shower and headed downstairs to distract himself from all the musing which automatically overwhelmed him whenever he stayed in bed for too long.

When he entered the kitchen, he was relieved to find it empty and quickly made some tea. The Daily Prophet was anything but worth reading and so he decided to walk over to the deserted living-room...at least he thought it was empty.

But when he glanced over the sofa's backrest, he flinched.

Sirius was lying there, still in his clothes and only covered with a thin blanket, and he was obviously fast asleep. His sleeping position, however, looked rather promising when it comes to a stiff, aching neck.

Ben had already reached out to wake him up, but suddenly stopped only a few inches away from Sirius' shoulder. Instead, he slowly walked up the stairs again and stopped in front of Tonks' door, hesitating a few seconds before he gently knocked on it. At least he wouldn't wake them up like that if they were still asleep...but before Ben could finish the thought, he already heard a muffled "Come in!" from behind the door.

And so he carefully opened the door a few inches to glance inside.

Remus was sitting on the bed with Tonks in his lap.

"Morning," he mumbled and Ben returned his smile hesitantly. "Come in, she's dead to the world."

"No she's not..." mumbled Tonks from under her blanket and Remus smiled down at the tangle of pink hair on his lap.

"I really didn't mean to disturb you...I could come back later if you want," said Ben, but Tonks had already sat up as well and was snuggling against Remus' side.

"What's the matter?" she said with a big, not very lady-like yawn.

"I...well...I just need someone to talk," stammered Ben and lowered his eyes on the steaming mug in his hand.

"Someone in particular?" asked Remus and raised his eyebrows.

"No...actually, yes. I mean, I trust both of you, you know that, and this issue...everything's a mess at the moment anyway, but that's not the point," rambled Ben on.

"Is it about Sirius?" asked Remus matter-of-factly and Ben nearly choked on his tea.

"Yep," replied Tonks for him with a knowing grin.

"It's just...I still don't know what to think about what I did-"

"That you kissed him," remarked Tonks.

"Yes...that I kissed him. I had pushed it to the back of my mind, but last night..." told Ben as he watched Tonks' jaw drop and her eyes grow bigger and bigger.

"No! Nothing happened, Tonks, don't give me that look!" protested Ben as he realised what she was thinking. "We just talked for a while...I was pretty upset because of, well, everything. I apologized to him, told him that I never meant to make him feel uncomfortable or anything. And then he told me that it didn't even make him feel uncomfortable. It only confused him...and now...now I simply don't know what to make of it. I mean, I told him to take all the time he needs ...but for what? I don't even know what this is all about!"

Now that he had spoken about it, Ben felt even more desperate and confused and so he looked back and forth between Remus and Tonks, who were both brooding over the new information.

"Do you want to be close to him?" asked Tonks suddenly.

"What?!" asked Ben, nearly choking on his tea again, and Remus screwed up his face.

"Come on, you know what I mean. Do you feel that you want to be closer to him, kiss him, stuff like that," said Tonks. "And _you_, stop looking at me like that!"

She playfully punched Remus' chest and yet failed to stifle a laugh as she saw his expression.

"I'm sorry! I just can't imagine it; we're talking about Sirius after all. And if I'm being honest, I think that he feels pretty similar at the moment. I only know him as the womanizer. Someone who had a different girlfriend every few weeks; he never had a real, serious relationship. He just had his fling and still the women came running after him. Then there was Azkaban and now...now he has to deal with the fact that he didn't mind when a guy kissed him. All I want to say is that I understand that this thought might be hard to stomach for him. Sirius was never homophobic, but he never spent a single thought on whether he might like men as well, either. Try to imagine what must be going on inside him," said Remus.

"So?" added Tonks, to come back to her initial question, and watched Ben again.

"Well...as I already said, I was pretty upset, so he gave me a hug...and, you know, apart from the general mood and my self-reproaches, I enjoyed it. I'm afraid I like him...yes," said Ben quietly and stared into his tea as if it would tell him his future any second.

"There you go," said Tonks with a soft smile.

"Merlin, this sounds...strange. But if I should give you any advice: give him time, but help him to find out about it. Rely on his temperament. Sirius can be pretty impulsive and he often doesn't think before he does something. This could be an advantage at the moment. But this also means that he doesn't think about the consequences his behaviour might have. You already experienced it yourself. So if you feel like you're making some progress, do yourself a favour and don't be too sure about it, because he probably isn't. He often does things and starts to panic afterwards because he only then realizes what it means. He can be quite difficult, actually," said Remus.

"It's hard for you to imagine him like that, right?" said Tonks grinning and gently stroked his cheek.

Ben also raised his eyes again with a small smile playing on his lips.

"What can I say...it's just strange," laughed Remus. "By the way, is he still asleep?"

"Yes...but he's downstairs on the sofa. I thought about waking him up, because it looked rather uncomfortable, but I let him sleep instead," replied Ben.

"Don't worry, wake him up, unless we'll have to listen to his wailing for days. '_Ah, tsss...my neck._' Believe me, I once made the mistake to let him sleep on the couch," said Remus grinning.

"Okay...I guess I'll go and wake him up, then. Thank you, guys," said Ben and turned to leave.

"It's good to have you back," said Tonks with a soft smile.

"Feels good to _be_ back," replied Ben smirking and left the room.

"I can't remember when you said that to me," said Remus grinning and immediately took shelter as he saw her incredulous expression.

"And. I. Don't. Think. That. I. Have. To. Tell. You," said Tonks laughing, punching his chest with every single word.

"Okay, okay, no need to beat me," replied Remus grinning.

"Oh come on, I thought you were a big, tough Werewolf. But if you really insist on it...I'm glad to have you back...mutt," said Tonks smirking and started to kiss his neck.

"What are you up to?" asked Remus casually as her hand wandered under his shirt.

"This, my dear, will be one of many punishments for your behaviour during the last months," said Tonks grinning and sat down on his lap, making him growl quietly.

"You're going to tease me, aren't you?" asked Remus grinning as his hands started to stroked up and down her back.

"Oh yes!" she replied laughing and her hand slowly caressed his skin right above his boxers...

.

In the meantime, Ben had been standing in front of the sofa for minutes, still unsure what to do. But eventually he knelt down in front of the sleeping Animagus and reached out to touch his shoulder.

"Hey...Sirius. Wake up," he said hesitantly and shook him.

But instead of calmly and slowly opening his eyes, Sirius woke with a start, pressed his back against the backrest to get away from Ben and stared up at the Werewolf with a shocked expression. The latter had quickly pulled away his hand and almost fell off his feet.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to scare you!" hurried Ben to say and his cheeks turned cherry red.

Sirius kept staring at him for a few seconds until he relaxed and took a deep breath.

"It's just me...I wanted to wake you up because you didn't look very comfortable, you know," explained Ben and, as if to confirm it, Sirius' hand wandered to his stiff, aching neck.

"It's okay, thank you. You just startled me a bit," mumbled Sirius sleepily.

"Saw that," replied Ben smirking and stood up again. "Iiiii'll be upstairs...still got a few things to unpack."

And with those words, the shy Werewolf fled from the living-room.

.

The Order meeting the same evening was more than depressing. Everyone was still occupied with the recent events and so it was no surprise that they didn't come up with a plan on how to carry on. The only thing they agreed upon was to simply trust Harry and give him whatever help he needed.

And so everyone was still rather quiet and lost in thought, when they sat in the kitchen a few days later. The dishes were washing themselves in the sink and Ben had sat down with an old issue of the Prophet to solve the crossword. Tonks was leaving for her night shift and Remus was reading a book with a cup of tea in his hand. Only Sirius was pacing about the kitchen until Ben suddenly realized that he had stopped right behind his back.

He hesitated nervously, his hair stood on end and even Remus looked up from his book at the sudden lack of shuffled footsteps. Then suddenly, Sirius' hand appeared in the corner of Ben's eye and he pointed at the paper on the table. Ben turned his head to give him a confused look and only then he realized how close Sirius actually was. He could still see the hair on Sirius' arm stand on end as well for a split second, before the Animagus quickly pulled it back and cleared his throat.

"13 across is Streeler. 10 down is Veritaserum," said Sirius matter-of-factly and walked over to the kitchen counter.

Way too confused to think about it, Ben filled the gaps with Sirius' answers before he looked up to return Remus' amused look with a shrug of his shoulders. But before he knew what was happening, Sirius had grabbed a chair and sat down next to him, making Ben flinch. Sirius, however, was simply looking over the crossword with pensively knitted brows while Ben stared at him with an utterly confused, and somehow comical, expression.

"Sirius, we're worried about Harry, too. Do yourself a favour and try to be patient, okay?" said Remus with a sigh and closed his book, knowing exactly that patience had never been one of Sirius' talents...

Was this Sirius way of getting closer to Ben again..._without_ getting closer to him? Obviously, because Remus left only a minute later, happily ignoring the pleading looks Ben sent him behind Sirius' back.

"This is easy, what's wrong with you?" asked Sirius amused and snatched the pen from Ben's hand to scribble down another word.

"Can't concentrate," mumbled Ben.

Now he knew what Remus meant when he cursed his sharp wolf senses. Sirius' scent, which already filled the whole house, reached his nose and he couldn't stop watching his dark, almost black eyes flying over the paper. Only moments later, Sirius pushed the paper away from him, dropped the pen and took a deep breath as he leant back in his chair to stretch.

Ben quickly averted his eyes, hopelessly trying to keep the blood from rushing to his cheeks.

"Butterbeer?" asked Sirius, suddenly strangely nervous, and walked over to the pantry.

"Um...sure, why not," stammered Ben, not knowing if he even wanted to drink one.

And so he just silently followed Sirius into the living-room, where they sat down at either end of the sofa with a safe distance separating them.

.

"Sirius?" said Ben eventually, breaking the silence which had only been filled by the crackling fire in front of them.

"Hmm?"

"Remember when I woke you up the other day? And you flinched...did I wake you from a bad dream or something?" asked Ben, not knowing that he had hit the bullseye.

Sirius immediately tensed up and tightened his grip around the bottle in his hands. From his first day in Azkaban on, the nightmares hadn't left him. They haunted him every night and no matter how often they returned, they never lost a bit of their initial horror.

_The Potters' destroyed house._

_Remus dead, hunted down by Ministry-officials. _

_Dementors reaching out for him. _

_Dark and wet cells and the feeling to be left alone to die. _

It was almost impossible for Sirius to fall asleep in a dark room...

"I...yes," mumbled Sirius.

"Is it getting better?" asked Ben.

"What?"

"Well...in the pensieve...you wanted me to leave the light on."

Sirius blushed and looked back into the flames.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to..."

"No...it's okay...you already know it anyway. It's just...I'm not very proud of acting and feeling like a little child every night," said Sirius bitterly and his knuckles turned pale as he clenched his fist around the butterbeer.

He kept clutching the cools glass when he suddenly felt a hand on his shoulder, gently squeezing it.

Only when he felt Sirius relax under his grip, Ben relaxed his hand as well but he didn't pull it back yet.

"There's absolutely nothing you have to be ashamed of. You've been through stuff...it's a miracle you're sitting here like this," said Ben quietly and Sirius bit his lower lip. "Does it help you if you're...not alone?"

"If you're aiming at New Year's Eve...well, I was pretty pissed back then...but in general, I guess so, yes. Remus knows about it. He often kept me company; slept on an armchair or sat here with me. It helped me a lot. But when Dumbledore started sending him to the Werewolves it got worse again. But at least he brought somebody along for us," said Sirius and his lips spread into a small grin at his last words.

Ben smiled back at him and slowly pulled his hand back to grab his bottle of butterbeer from the table and took a sip.

Sirius almost seemed a bit disappointed but he quickly stood up to put more wood on the fire. When he returned to the sofa, he casually sat down a little closer to Ben than before. They kept talking about less precarious topics until Ben slowly but surely got more and more quiet. Sirius glanced at him from the side and a frown appeared on his face at the Werewolf's sight.

Deep lines had appeared on the younger man's forehead as he stared into the fire and scratched the label on his bottle unwittingly.

"Ben?" said Sirius, snapping him out of his musing.

"What? I'm sorry, what did you say?" replied Ben a bit embarrassed as he massaged his temples.

"Nothing, just...are you alright? You look depressed," answered Sirius and immediately regretted his choice of words.

_Of course he was sad...life was being anything but kind to him at the moment. But this was something different and it was obvious how much Ben was struggling for an answer. _

_Should he really tell Sirius? Should he open up to him, now out of all times, when he was already vulnerable and confused by his own feelings?_

"I thought about telling you ...just to show you that you're not alone. Don't get me wrong! I can't compare it with what you've been through, but...Merlin, I'm starting to ramble again_. _But I don't want to bore you..." rambled Ben on.

"Can't be that boring if it's bothering you so much, can it?" said Sirius smirking.

Ben forced a smile and decided that it was way too late to backpedal now.

He was already at rock bottom, so a little soul striptease wouldn't make it any worse...

Ben took one last sip of butterbeer before he started to explain while Sirius listened attentively.

"You know, you're not the only one who's haunted by the same nightmare over and over again," said the Werewolf and looked up at Sirius with a pained expression. The smile on the Animagus' face slowly froze...

Ben looked back into the fire with a frown and kept talking before the lump in his throat could grow too big and choke him.

"I've been dreaming about this one evening for years...I was at my parents' house, before they left the country. They wanted to convince me to go with them but I had just found a great job and an apartment in London. I was happy...for the first time in years I'd met people who didn't care whether I was into men or not. I knew how hard it would be for my mother to leave me behind...but then she said it again. _Maybe I could change my mind and go with them. I'd soon find a good job and maybe I'd even find a nice woman who could make me happy._ I couldn't believe it. I already knew that they didn't accept it, but the fact that they still tried to talk me out of it was too much for me. I admit that I got a bit louder. I told them that this would never happen because I'm into men. Then my father interrupted me and what he said was the final straw. _They just wanted me to be happy_...I was so angry. I almost screamed at them..._ if they wanted their son to be happy, they'd have to accept him the way he is_. Then I stormed out of the house without another word."

Sirius didn't say anything. His mouth felt awfully dry and he just watched Ben, who was chewing on his lips, from the side. Suddenly it all felt strangely familiar...Sure, he had never wanted to get along with his purist family in the first place. And yet he had turned his back on them, to live his life the way he wanted to...just like Ben.

"I'm sorry your parents couldn't accept it...no wonder it's still bothering you," said Sirius eventually but when he looked over at Ben, the latter shook his head.

"There's more to it than that..." said Ben bitterly and took Sirius' confused face as an invitation to go on. "My parents used to live in the countryside...I had to clear my mind so I just kept walking. I didn't pay attention so I ended up at on the forest path near their house. Merlin, I was so stupid...I was lost in thought and it was already dark outside...suddenly I heard a cracking sound. I didn't mind at first...you always hear strange noises when you're alone in the woods, don't you? But then I heard it again, only much louder and closer to me, so I stopped. I couldn't see anything, even though the moon was pretty bright that night...tsss, pretty ironic when I look back at it."

Sirius had never seen Ben so bitter before. He knew what was coming and it made his hair stand on end.

"Before I could turn around, I heard something run towards me, some kind of animal. The last thing I saw when I looked to my right, was that huge dog jumping at me and knocking me off my feet. At least I thought it was a dog at the time...I tried to get back up but he growled and lunged at me again...then it bit into the first bit of skin it could see. It was the worst pain I've felt in my whole life. It eventually let go of me and to this day I don't know why it didn't just kill me. I was lying on the floor bleeding and I looked up at the sky...right at the full moon. When I realized what had happened, I was scared stiff and desperate at the same time...because I knew that I couldn't make it undone. The pain only got worse and I almost blacked out a few times. But I somehow managed to crawl back to my parents' house. The next thing I remember is waking up in a hospital bed at St. Mungo's. I lost everything; my job, my apartment. So I moved back in with my parents. There were times I wished it would've just killed me instead," explained Ben quietly.

Sirius, however, was lost for words for a few moments.

.

"I don't know what to say," he whispered his thoughts.

"You don't have to say anything...I don't even know why I bothered you with it. It's nothing in comparison with your past...I'm sorry," mumbled Ben and looked as if he was, more than anything else, angry with himself.

"Don't say something like that. It doesn't change that it's still haunting you, does it?" replied Sirius.

"No...I'm still dreaming about that night; especially around full-moon. I'm back at the forest, but this time there's not even a path to find my way out. I hear the noises but I have no idea where they're coming from. And when I feel its teeth sink in my body, I wake up," said Ben.

Sirius took a while to choose his words this time, while the fire still crackled in front of them.

"I don't want to arrogate that I know how you must be feeling at the moment...losing everything you had all over again...But I want you to know that I've been there, too. And now everything's so...different. I've lost and regained so often. And now all we can do is face the uncertainty ahead of us. Every little normal thing we do, doing the laundry, reading this useless newspaper...it just feels like a pathetic attempt to block out reality to me...so it won't break us down. But the two things that always kept me carrying on were either vengeance or the people who stood by my side. And you've got those people as well, that's what you always have to remember," said Sirius and Ben finally looked at him with a sad and yet thankful smile.

They silently sipped their drinks for a while until Sirius broke the silence again.

"The last time I didn't worry must've been during our last year at school. There was no war and the world was my oyster..." said Sirius and looked over at the suspiciously silent Ben.

The Werewolf's eyes were slowly closing as his chin dropped onto his chest.

"Oh I see, I'm boring you," joked Sirius a little louder.

"What? No...I'm sorry, go on," mumbled Ben embarrassed as he awoke with a start.

"How about you go upstairs and get some sleep?" suggested Sirius chuckling.

"No, really, I'm fine."

"You don't want to sleep on the sofa, do you?"

"Look who's talking...I'm not that tired and if I go upstairs, you'll just stay here on your own until you're too tired to stay awake. So I might as well just stay a little longer and keep you company," replied Ben yawning.

"Well, we might as well drink another one then," said Sirius and stood up to walk to the kitchen.

_Did he get that right? Ben didn't want to go upstairs because he would be alone with his demons? _

With dozens of questions popping up in his head, Sirius entered the living-room again. But he wouldn't get a single answer...

Ben had closed his eyes and seemed to be asleep. Sirius grabbed a blanket from the armchair and covered Ben with it while a small smirk flashed his lips.

"Thanks..." mumbled Ben half-asleep and smiled with closed eyes.

"You're welcome," said Sirius chuckling, opened his second bottle of butterbeer and made himself comfortable on the other end of the sofa.


End file.
